O Prophet! Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites! Be harsh with them. Their ultimate abode is hell, a hapless journey’s end. (S. 9:73)

O ye who believe! Fight those of the disbelievers who are near to you, and let them find harshness in you, and know that Allah is with those who keep their duty (unto Him). (S. 9:123)

Surah 9 does a nice job of laying out the basics. It is a good Muslim’s duty to fight with hypocrites and disbelievers. Allah will be with them in their fight, and it’s OK because the disbelievers are going to hell anyway, so bringing them a little hell on Earth is justified.

Let’s imagine I’m a Muslim. How should I deal with non-Muslims?

And slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places whence they drove you out, for persecution is worse than slaughter. And fight not with them at the Inviolable Place of Worship until they first attack you there, but if they attack you (there) then slay them. Such is the reward of disbelievers. But if they desist, then lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. And fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is for Allah. But if they desist, then let there be no hostility except against wrong-doers. (S. 2:191-193)

So, I should kill non-Muslims wherever they may be. Also, it’s OK to be the aggressor. This passage specifically says that it’s only acceptable to kill unbelievers in mosques if they attack first. Therefore, it is reasonable to assume that anywhere else I am welcome to kill a non-Muslim without provocation. Finally, it says that the fight must continue until the unbelievers surrender and convert to Islam. Well, at least they have an out. Allah is merciful indeed.

What’s the deal? Do I have to fight? What if I’m a pacifist? Can I still be a good Muslim?

Warfare is ordained for you, though it is hateful unto you; but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not. (S. 2:216)

Damn. That’s the same argument that got me to eat lima beans as a kid. Muslims have no choice in fighting unbelievers, but Allah says it’s for their own good. They’ll understand someday when they’re infinity years old like him.

But Allah made me and loves me, right? He wouldn’t want me to die.

Let those fight in the way of Allah who sell the life of this world for the other. Whoso fighteth in the way of Allah, be he slain or be he victorious, on him We shall bestow a vast reward. (S. 4:74)

Oh! I’m supposed to die. OK. Now I get it. I’ll just strap some explosives to my waist. That way, everybody wins.

So, I have to fight, and Allah doesn’t care if I die. But what if I face the enemy and get scared? If I decide at the last minute that blowing myself to tiny bits isn’t appealing, can I call it quits?

O ye who believe! When ye meet those who disbelieve in battle, turn not your backs to them. Whoso on that day turneth his back to them, unless manoeuvring for battle or intent to join a company, he truly hath incurred wrath from Allah, and his habitation will be hell, a hapless journey’s end. (S. 8:15-16)

Wow. That’s hard core. Once I have the explosives strapped on, I have to go through with it. It’s no longer a choice between life and death. It’s a choice between heaven and hell. Maybe I’ll just meet the enemy head on. What should I do with them when I find them?

Now when ye meet in battle those who disbelieve, then it is smiting of the necks until, when ye have routed them, then making fast of bonds; and afterward either grace or ransom till the war lay down its burdens. (S. 47:4)

I should cut their heads off? Really? OK. Should I videotape it and put it on Al-Jazeera, or would that be over the top?

The unbelievers can’t all be bad, right? I met a nice Christian guy the other day. Can I be friends with him?

They long that ye should disbelieve even as they disbelieve, that ye may be upon a level (with them). So choose not friends from them till they forsake their homes in the way of Allah; if they turn back (to enmity) then take them and kill them wherever ye find them, and choose no friend nor helper from among them, (S. 4:89)

Sure. I was going to see if he wanted to go bowling or something, but instead I’ll try to convert him and kill him if I fail. That should still fill up the evening. Besides, Allah did not choose to make me a great bowler.

Let’s review. Allah says: Kill non-Muslims. Cut off their heads. War is a requirement. If I fight and die, I’ll go to heaven, but if I retreat, I’ll burn in hell. Pretty simple stuff, really. I hope I’ve cleared up any misconceptions. It’s dangerous to misunderstand the Qur’an. After all, “on the Day of Resurrection thou seest those who lied concerning Allah with their faces blackened. Is not the home of the scorners in hell?” (S. 39:60) Dick.

~I AM~

One group Christ particularly liked to abuse was the Pharisees. Now in all fairness, they were plotting to kill him. However, name-calling doesn’t seem like the best (or most mature) response to such a threat. At one point, the Pharisees heard about Jesus curing a blind mute. They attacked him, saying that he healed by the power of Beelzebub rather than god. Jesus didn’t take that well.

“Make a tree good and its fruit will be good, or make a tree bad and its fruit will be bad, for a tree is recognized by its fruit. You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. (MAT 12:34 NIV)

Jesus likes calling people vipers. He does it several times, and seems to have picked it up from John the Baptist. This is just my favorite example, because he also calls them evil and compares their words to rotten fruit. Sure, it’s a mixed metaphor, but it’s very colorful, don’t you think? Anyway, the Pharisees are the target once again a few chapters later when they ask Jesus for a sign from heaven. Since he spent much of his time producing signs from heaven, it’s hard to understand why this would be a problem, but Jesus doesn’t take requests.

A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a miraculous sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah.” Jesus then left them and went away. (MAT 16:4 NIV)

…to talk with his disciples about one of his miraculous signs in verse 9 on the same damn page. Anyway, it wasn’t just the Pharisees Jesus picked on. He attacks Jews in general in the gospel of John. It should be noted that John’s agenda in regard to Jews is, to put it nicely, questionable.

Jesus said to them, “If God were your Father, you would love me, for I came from God and now am here. I have not come on my own; but he sent me. Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say. You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. (JOH 8:42-44 NIV)

Wow! That’s one hell of a statement. Has Jesus forgotten that he’s a Jew? Isn’t this the same thing he was so upset that the Pharisees accused him of back in Matthew 12? Apparently he can dish it out, but he can’t take it.

Jesus doesn’t just stay at home and abuse his own people. He goes off to find gentiles to pick on. In Mark 7, Jesus travels to Tyre. Despite his efforts to keep a low profile, word spreads that he is in town, and a Greek woman from Syrian Phoenicia comes to him and throws herself at his feet, begging him to cast a demon out of her daughter. This is a subtle one, so pay attention.

“First let the children eat all they want,” he told her, “for it is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs.”

“Yes, Lord,” she replied, “but even the dogs under the table eat the children’s crumbs.”

Then he told her, “For such a reply, you may go; the demon has left your daughter.” (MAR 7:27-29 NIV)

It’s a cryptic insult, but an effective one. The “children” are the Jews. The “dogs” are the gentiles. Basically, he says “I can’t heal one of you people while there are still Jews to be healed.” Only by her obsequious, self-deprecation and acceptance of the label he has put on her does she earn a cure for her suffering daughter. So much for Jesus loving the little children. Apparently, he only really loves the Jewish ones.

Now we come to the part where Jesus turns on his own disciples. Despite his lecture to the Pharisees about how a house divided against itself cannot stand, he goes after his closest followers with that razor tongue of his. In Matthew 17, a man brings his possessed son to Jesus, telling him that the disciples were unable to heal the boy. Jesus turns on those who failed to drive out the demon.

“O unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” (MAT 17:17 NIV)

Well, not long actually, but that’s another story. Jesus has promised that those who believe in him will be able to do the things that he does, so he concludes that the failure to exorcise a demon is a sign of disbelief. Hey, when was the last time Pat Robertson cured a leper? …but I digress.

Let’s finish up with one of the most famous quotes from Jesus. In Matthew 16, Jesus tells Peter that he will be the rock on which the church will be built, and gives him the figurative keys to heaven. This is the passage upon which the Catholic Church and the papacy were founded. This sets Peter up as the most important of the apostles, and basically makes him second in command to Jesus. Obviously Jesus has a lot of faith in the guy. However, in the NEXT PARAGRAPH, after Jesus tells his followers that he is going to go to Jerusalem to die, the tone changes somewhat.

Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!”

Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.” (MAT 16:22-23 NIV)

Hmmm. So, which is it? Is Peter the greatest of the apostles, foundation of the church and holder of the keys to heaven, or is he Satan? Perhaps, he is both. That would certainly explain a few things, don’t you think?

Let’s review. Jesus, god’s representative on earth, can’t get past childish taunts and name-calling. He attacks the Pharisees, Jews in general, gentiles and his own most trusted followers. He calls them vipers, evil, perverse, wicked, adulterous, children of the devil, dogs and Satan himself. All this happens in between episodes in which he tries to teach people to be nice to their enemies and turn the other cheek. He’s a hypocrite at best. And at worst? Dick.

~I AM~

P.S. I’m thinking about retiring this series soon. I haven’t made up my mind, but it’s on the table. Each week, it gets harder to find good material, and I don’t want to keep it going so long that it starts to suck, like so many TV shows have done. So, I’d like your opinion. Have I been keeping up the quality of this series, or is it starting to wane. Are you getting bored with it, or do you still enjoy it every week? Would you be crushed if I replaced it with something else? I’m considering “God is an Idiot” or a series profiling the silly beliefs of various religions.

I’m accusing Jesus of having other than peaceful intentions, but I won’t ask you to take my word for it. He said so, himself. One of the clearest statements Jesus makes regarding his violent side is found in Matthew 10.

“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” (MAT 10:34 NIV)

Now, there aren’t very many peaceful uses for a sword. It’s a clumsy instrument for cutting a steak, and the Franklin Mint was not yet in existence, so I don’t think he intends for it to be decorative. The sword he brings is for violent punishment.

“The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers.”

“That servant who knows his master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows.” (LUK 12:46-48 NIV)

Well, at least those who didn’t know about Jesus will be punished somewhat less for not following him. That seems fair, don’t you think? Don’t let that quell your fear, though. Like a bullied first-grader, Jesus makes a point of telling us how frightened we should be of his father.

“But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him.” (LUK 12:5 NIV)

Jesus, since most of the readers of this site are going to hell, would you tell us some more about it?

“The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” (MAT 13:41-42 NIV)

So far, I’ve just talked about the nasty and violent things Jesus is going to do to us after we die. However, he had a bit of a temper problem even during his life. It’s not restricted to sinners, though. Jesus is even willing to take out his anger on plants.

Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.”

In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Peter remembered and said to Jesus, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”(MAR 11:12-14, 20-21 NIV)

IT’S NOT FIG SEASON, you lunatic! What the hell was that? It was an innocent tree. Frankly, I’m not sure a tree can be guilty of anything, anyway, but this one is sentenced to death.

The animal kingdom is also not safe from Jesus. In the region of the Gerasenes, Jesus and the apostles find a man beset with a large number (a legion or so) of demons. Knowing that they were about to be exorcised, the demons ask a favor.

A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. The demons begged Jesus, “Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them.” He gave them permission, and the evil spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned. (MAR 5:11-13 NIV)

Two thousand dead pigs. Why? If Jesus had decided not to do a favor for the demons, what was the alternative? They would go wherever all the other demons he exorcises go. However, he sends them into the pigs, who have the sense to commit suicide. What happens to the demons then? Don’t they go wherever all the other demons go? What has been accomplished at the cost of two thousand pigs?

Well, I saved the best for last. In his most famous violent episode, Jesus turns on human beings for the first and only time. Just before Passover, Jesus is in Jerusalem.

In the temple courts he found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, “Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father’s house into a market!” (JOH 2:14-16 NIV)

Made a whip out of cords? This is the Prince of Peace? No wonder they nailed his ass to a tree. He was a menace.

Let’s review. Jesus tells us that he didn’t come to bring peace. He tells us all about how sinners will be punished in the everlasting fires of hell. He uses the analogy of a master beating his slaves to drive the point home. He kills a tree for not producing figs in the off season, causes a couple thousand pigs to become possessed and drown and whips merchants who are just doing their jobs. Like father like son. Dick.

~I AM~

We believe that the ultimate purpose in living is to know and glorify God and to attain eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord, beginning within our own families and then reaching out to a suffering humanity that does not know of His love and sacrifice.

We believe that the institution of marriage was intended by God to be a permanent, lifelong relationship between a man and a woman, regardless of trials, sickness, financial reverses or emotional stresses that may ensue.

We believe that children are a heritage from God and a blessing from His hand. We are therefore accountable to Him for raising, shaping and preparing them for a life of service to His Kingdom and to humanity.

So, would Jesus agree with these ideas? Let’s find out. Dobson thinks the glorification of god should be based on and within one’s family. Jesus, on the other hand, made it quite clear that family is not only unimportant in religion, but a hindrance on the path to heaven.

Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. (LUK 14:25-26 NIV)

Well, it looks like Dobson’s whole group is out in the cold. Hatred of one’s family is a prerequisite for following Jesus. Before sending his apostles out to preach the “good news,” Jesus tells them…

“Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.” (MAT 10:21-22 NIV)

By this point, however, some of the apostles have already gotten the message that family is to be destroyed because Jesus has called them to abandon theirs and follow him. Actually, this isn’t limited to apostles. Anyone who wants to follow Jesus has to walk away from his family without giving it a second thought.

He said to another man, “Follow me.”
But the man replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good bye to my family.”
Jesus replied, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” (LUK 9:59-62 NIV)

Wanting to say goodbye to your family before abandoning them for Jesus makes you unfit to serve god. I think the 98% (pure speculation) of Christians who haven’t read their holy book would be somewhat surprised to learn that.

So is this anti-family attitude simply a necessary evil to do the work of god? Is it a mere side effect? No. Jesus tells us that it was his purpose in coming to earth in the first place.

Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.” (LUK 12:51-53 NIV)

Whatever else you say about Jesus, the guy certainly has a knack for prophecy. Christianity has done exactly that in countless families for the better part of two millennia. Another thing you can say about Jesus is that he practices what he preaches. We get a glimpse of how he treats his own family in the book of Matthew.

While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone
told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”

He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my
mother and my brothers. (MAT 12:46-49 NIV)

The sacrifice of family is demanded, but it is not without its benefits. Jesus tells his apostles that they will be well rewarded for cutting their familial ties. They will be granted eternal power.

Jesus said to them, “I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.” (MAT 19:28-29 NIV)

So that’s what Jesus offers. Sounds like a deal you might make with the other side, doesn’t it?

The last part of the Focus on the Family quote above seems OK. Throughout the gospels, Jesus talks about how he loves little children, and how we should try to emulate them. Well, that’s unless they break the rules. Then Jesus thinks they should be killed. In talking with some Pharisees, he said the following…

Jesus replied, “And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother’ and ‘Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.’ But you say that if a man says to his father or mother, ‘Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is a gift devoted to God,’ he is not to ‘honor his father’ with it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition. You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you:
” ‘These people honor me with their lips,
but their hearts are far from me.
They worship me in vain;
their teachings are but rules taught by men.’” (MAT 15:3-9 NIV)

Let’s review. God so loved the world that he sent his only son to be tortured and killed. That kind of sets the tone for family values. To follow Jesus, you must hate your family and leave them without saying goodbye. Jesus came to earth to break families apart, and sow division. To demonstrate, he ignored his own mother and brothers. Children are wonderful… except when they should be executed. Dick.

The book starts out with god telling Jonah to go to the wicked city of Nineveh and preach against it. Jonah, the original draft dodger, doesn’t want to go to Nineveh, so he flees. He obviously doesn’t know that you’re not supposed to run. You should curl up in a ball with your head between your knees and play dead. Actually, that may be for a bear. No matter. It should work just as well with god.

So Jonah finds a ship headed for Tarshish. The book doesn’t tell us why Tarshish is a particularly good place to hide from god. Exhibiting his typical lack of concern over collateral damage, god sends a violent storm, endangering the lives of everyone on the ship. The sailors throw their cargo overboard to lighten the vessel, suffering economic damages through no fault of their own. They all begin praying to their gods and then they realize that Jonah is asleep below deck. They wake him up and cast lots to find out who on board is responsible for the storm, because as we all know, storms never just happen on their own.

When Jonah is indicated as the cause, they ask him who he is and why this is happening. They also ask how to make it stop. Jonah says that they must throw him into the sea.

Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before. Then they cried to the LORD, “O LORD, please do not let us die for taking this man’s life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you, O LORD, have done as you pleased.” Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm. At this the men greatly feared the LORD, and they offered a sacrifice to the LORD and made vows to him. (JON 1:13-16 NIV)

At this point, one of the silliest events in the entire Bible occurs. Jonah is swallowed by a huge fish and spends three days and three nights inside it. With nothing else to do, Jonah prays. He praises god and thanks him for sending the fish to save his life. There is no mention of the fact that his life was only in danger because of god in the first place. When god is satisfied that Jonah is sufficiently thankful for being cast into the sea and swallowed by a fish, he commands the fish to vomit Jonah up on land. That is a lovely image, isn’t it?

Once again, god tells Jonah to go preach in Nineveh, and this time Jonah decides that might be the best way to go to avoid being swallowed by anything else.

Jonah obeyed the word of the LORD and went to Nineveh. Now Nineveh was a very important city—a visit required three days. On the first day, Jonah started into the city. He proclaimed: “Forty more days and Nineveh will be overturned.” The Ninevites believed God. They declared a fast, and all of them, from the greatest to the least, put on sackcloth. (JON 3:3-5 NIV)

Really? They believed him? Nineveh was one of the largest cities in the world, and they all just dropped what they were doing and put on sackcloth because a guy who smelled like the inside of a fish told them god was pissed off? Well, if the Bible says so, it must be true. Seeing the repentance of Nineveh, rather than go all Sodom and Gomorrah on its ass, god relents. The city is safe from the total destruction that I’m so totally sure would have happened if it weren’t for all the sackcloth.

Jonah, who has been inconvenienced, nearly drowned and eaten by this point is annoyed with god for not even giving him a fireworks display in return. He whines to god.

“O LORD, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. Now, O LORD, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.” (JON 4:2-3 NIV)

When god tells Jonah he has no right to be angry, Jonah leaves the city. He finds a spot east of town to sit and watch in case anything happens to Nineveh. God causes a vine to grow up next to Jonah and provide shade for him. However, the next day, god sends a worm to kill the vine. He then provides a hot wind and blazing sun to make things really uncomfortable for Jonah. Jonah tells god that he is angry about the vine and wants to die.

But the LORD said, “You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?” (JON 4:10-11 NIV)

That’s it. That’s the end of the story, folks. God is a wiseass, and the tale is over. You’d think an omnipotent being would have a greater power of analogy, wouldn’t you?

Let’s review. God tells Jonah to go to Nineveh. Jonah tries to skip town, so god tries to sink the ship he’s on, risking the lives of plenty of innocent bystanders. The sailors lose their cargo as a result. Jonah is then eaten and vomited by a fish, for which he is thankful. The city of Nineveh is threatened with destruction, and the people have to fast and wear sackcloth. God then toys with Jonah for a couple of days and probably gives him a pretty bad sunburn in the process. Dick.

~I AM~