The Rumors of my Death…
“Some folks think I’m hidin’
It’s been rumored that I died,
But I’m alive and well in Tennessee.”
-George Strait
Well, I’m actually in Colorado, but the rest is about right. I’ve been extremely busy with work and listening to country music (as you might have guessed). Country music is very difficult for an atheist. Every fourth song is about god in at least some subtle way. Frankly, some of it’s pretty damn clever. But, I love a twang and a steel guitar, so I look past it. Carrie Underwood can kiss my ass, though.
My children, I have been to the mountaintop, and I’ll share with you what I found there… Jehovah’s Witnesses. Several weeks ago, my wife and I were indeed on a mountaintop in Rocky Mountain National Park, and the Witnesses had a table set up. Over 12,000 feet, at a visitor’s center in the middle of an alpine meadow is the last place one expects to be preached at, but there they were. I was actually waiting in the car, but my wife grabbed a copy of every publication they were handing out, and I’ve been reading through them in what little spare time I have. Let me tell you something. The Witnesses are GOOD. If I believed in god, I would have dropped my religion like a hot potato by now and become a Witness.
I’ve commented before in this space on the respect I have for the intellectual honesty of fundamentalists. If you claim this book was written by an all-powerful god, you should believe what it says. Every word. Even the stupid parts. The Witnesses do just that. I’ve never before seen such apparently coherent arguments built entirely upon scripture. Of course, they’re only coherent if you accept that there is a god and that he published a bestseller, but many people are on board with those assumptions, so these books are really well done. The one on Intelligent Design is amazing. There’s nothing revolutionary in there. It’s all the same arguments you always see. Piltdown Man; a duck egg never hatches a chicken; no transitional fossils (yeah right), etc. However, they package it all in a way that makes you feel like an idiot for being duped by your high school biology teacher. My favorite part is the mathematical analysis of the probability of life arising from from an organic soup. It’s like someone claiming he’s got the correct answer to the Drake equation.
One thing I didn’t know about Jehovah’s Wtnesses is that they think the endtimes started in 1914. Since the Bible states that all of the events of this period will happen before an entire generation passes away, they’re running out of time. Jehovah’s Witnessism (Witnitude? Witticism?) is an armageddon cult. I never understood that before. Frankly, I wish them good luck. It sounds like everything will be very nice around here after their loving god resurrects everyone and then kills the bad ones again. Here’s the question, though. In 10 or 20 years, when the last person born in 1914 dies, do you think they’ll admit defeat? My money’s on them picking a new date. That’s the typical approach when a cult fails to predict the end of the world.
Anyway, that’s all I have right now. I will try to post more frequently, but time will tell. Keep up the great discussions, though. As long as some other people are saying interesting things, I don’t feel so guilty about my lax blogging.
~I AM~
August 21st, 2006 at at 9:31 am
“Jesus Take the Wheel” did it in for you, didn’t it? Just what we need–faith based driving.
I like most country music as well and can take the religious slant on it as long as it’s not too extreme. “Jesus Take the Wheel” is what I consider extreme. It’s even crossed over to the frickin’ pop rock stations here. Par for course in the South, I suppose.
I have to overlook the lyrics anyway since usually they’re singing about a girl and I’m gay so I don’t sing about girls, with Cher being the exception. But sometimes replacing her with him doesn’t suit so I just go with the lyrics. Whatever. If I can pretend to believe in god for 3 minutes I can pretend to be straight.
August 21st, 2006 at at 9:36 am
Hey, good to see you posting again. You were missed.
August 21st, 2006 at at 9:48 am
Never posted before, maybe there was another Jay?
August 21st, 2006 at at 9:51 am
You are much needed on the atheism scene these days. Thanks for finding the time to write, and please keep up the good work…
That said, COUNTRY MUSIC!?!?!?!? I grew up in a town of
August 21st, 2006 at at 11:57 pm
I made you post, didn’t I?
August 22nd, 2006 at at 6:48 am
harrumph
August 22nd, 2006 at at 11:12 am
Allelujuh, he is risen!
The Witnesses also neglect to tell you that their paradise only has some 144,000 or so spaces available. Everyone else has to stay in some interdimensional Holiday Inn for eternity, I think.
August 22nd, 2006 at at 1:11 pm
The Witnesses also neglect to tell you that their paradise only has some 144,000 or so spaces available. Everyone else has to stay in some interdimensional Holiday Inn for eternity, I think.
Actually, only 144,000 people go to heaven to rule with Jesus. All the other good people get to live forever in paradise on Earth. The whole planet becomes what the garden of Eden was supposed to be. This actually poses an interesting problem. Witnesses are anti-environment because they think it doesn’t matter. Everything will be lush and beautiful when Jesus comes back no matter how badly we screw things up.
August 23rd, 2006 at at 5:23 am
Where did they get 144,000 from?
August 23rd, 2006 at at 6:07 am
REV 7:4-8
August 23rd, 2006 at at 10:45 am
There are a few people on my street who claim to be Witnesses, but the extent of their faith is not participating in Halloween.
August 23rd, 2006 at at 3:49 pm
I got my first Jehovah’s witness the other day. I was taking a family member to the airport and I didn’t get a chance to do much besides mumble “Not interested, thanks”. It was interesting though.
August 25th, 2006 at at 11:22 pm
My own version of “Jesus take the wheel”. Enjoy and please give me credit if you happen to republish it; I’m rather proud of this.
———————
I was getting loaded
Drinking my shots in a glass
When sometime later I noticed
I was drunk right off my ass
I wondered how I’d get home
My head was feelin’ thick
So I called up my best friend and said
“Can you drive a stick?”
Chorus:
[’n I said] Jesus, take the wheel
You know I’m too drunk to drive
I’ve had a few too many
And I’d really like to stay alive
You don’t need no licence
Cuz you’re the son of man
Jesus take the wheel
And drive this caravan
We drove on through the night
Tellin jokes and singing songs
But I started to get nervous
When he took off his thongs
“It ain’t legal to drive with no shoes on”
I told him nervously
But he just smiled and said
“Son, don’t you worry”
(With apologies to Carrie Underwood)
And I do love country music by the way, despite being an atheist.