Calendar of Credulity - Part III: The Annunciation
Yesterday was the Christian feast of the Annunciation. March 25th is significant because it’s exactly nine months before December 25. December 25th is significant because it was chosen long ago by some ecumenical marketing committee as the ideal date to help Christmas steal market share from the pagan winter solstice festivities. In other words, March 25th is symbolically the date on which the virgin Mary had sex with… no one. One might ask why divine, asexual reproduction would require the typical human gestation period, but god works in mysterious ways. Why, in his divine wisdom, he chose to create not a baby but simply a god-sperm is beyond our understanding, but it does lead to all kinds of interesting questions about god’s Y chromosome and whether Jesus was a haploid. I digress.
The Annunciation is one of my favorite stories from Christian scripture, not just because it was important enough to be recorded by every single one of the four gospel writers (except three), but because it’s so clear what actually happened. The whole resurrection thing could have gone down half a dozen different ways, but the Annunciation’s an easy one (assuming Mary even existed in the first place). Mary, who would become a globally recognized symbol of purity, chastity and virginity, was an adulterer… and a liar.
Put yourself in the shoes of a young Hebrew girl on or around the year 1. You’re betrothed to an old carpenter who seems like a nice enough guy, but your opinion doesn’t really matter anyway. There is, however, a boy in town who catches your eye. Perhaps he’s the son of a stonecutter. In an environment that has an endless supply of rock and very few trees, he’s probably got a few more shekels than your carpenter fiancée. On the other hand, maybe your forbidden love isn’t even Jewish! Maybe he’s a Roman soldier. Either way, a few weeks after a night of hot, sandy passion, you realize you have failed to become unclean as scheduled. You have some serious explaining to do. The “mother of god” did what almost any human being would do in that situation. She lied. She lied through her teeth. She used the old strategy of coming up with a lie so big and so bold that no one would believe you’re stupid enough to have made it up. It has to be “preposterous beyond suspicion,” as it were. God is the perfect solution.
You come from a devout Jewish family. All of your neighbors are Torah-thumpers, also. They read that stuff about burning bushes and talking donkeys and swallow it all whole. You invent a story about a visit from the angel Gabriel in which he tells you that you’ve got an unleavened bun in the oven and that the supreme ruler of the universe is your baby daddy. To your surprise and relief, everyone believes you. Well, almost everyone. Your cousin Elizabeth thinks you’re full of it, so she tells you the angel came to see her, too.
The rest, as they say, is history. Your story, when twisted in a certain way, sounds vaguely reminiscent of a paragraph from the distant past. Before you know it, people say your kid is the messiah. Unfortunately, one of the people to hear the rumors is your son. Suddenly, he doesn’t stop by for weeks at a time because he’s off “about his father’s business.” You assume it’s just a phase, but then he tells you he’s going to get himself executed because of some other ancient paragraph. Fast forward a couple thousand years, and half the population of the planet knows and buys your virgin birth story. Hell, a full third of them think your son WAS god, which might make you wonder if they’d been paying attention at all if you were not, in fact, stone cold dead for two millennia.
Hey, it could have happened that way.
~I AM~
March 26th, 2006 at at 7:03 pm
I’ve always felt that if there was such a Jesus person (totally different subject than a “son of a god”), then that is exactly what happened. She had sex and lied lied lied!
And people being as gullible as they are and will continue to be, believed the lie.
Funny thing is, or completely f*cked up thing is, we have to pay for her lie.
March 26th, 2006 at at 7:58 pm
Seriously, that would be the greatest practical joke in the history of the world.
March 26th, 2006 at at 9:58 pm
Plus, if you “believe” the whole God come unto Mary story, it’s rape.
Think of this way: you never hear Mary say “Yes, please let’s have divine sex”, just that she was ready. Aside from that, if Mary was mortal (and it’s pretty apparent that she was), and she was about 14 (which is where most scholars put it) than it was statutory rape, either due to age (God was about what, couple thousand years at the time) or due to relative power differencials (you can’t say that they were on an equal playing field) therefore Mary was not capable of true consent.
God’s a rapist.
March 27th, 2006 at at 2:08 pm
So, wait. If God raped Mary, then Mary lied about Jesus, and if God didn’t rape Mary, then she still lied. Either way, it’s all a big joke. (I’m so tempted to say, “Women.”)
March 27th, 2006 at at 4:03 pm
It could have happened that way, and I think it’s pretty clear that she lied, but I bet the mesiah spin came later. Some apostle pulled her aside and said, “OK, the story about God giving you a virgin birth is good and all, but how ’bout adding abit about him being the mesiah. You know, jazz it up a little.”
March 27th, 2006 at at 5:13 pm
Nobody is going to get away with telling her family that she’s been impregnated by God. People weren’t any more stupid then than now, and while they have no trouble believing it might have happened two thousand years ago, they’re not going to believe it happened yesterday to their daughter/sister/cousin.
I envision a scenario where Mary goes off to the carpentry shed in the evening where Joe is, erm, working late. Brings him supper or something. Often. Perfectly legit — after all, they’re engaged. Sex among the wood shavings. When the baby is clearly coming in advance of the wedding, Joe and Mary hightail it out of town; she’s “dishonored” her family. There was that business of moving to Egypt for a few years, too. Maybe there was some order given for killing baby boys, but maybe Mary’s father was out for Joe’s blood. Or maybe Mary’s brothers were out for hers.
Years later, when some people are claiming that that Jesus guy is a Messiah, somebody says, “hey wasn’t there something about his mother being pregnant too early…” which provokes the immaculate conception story. Obviously, making up lies about some poor woman is far better than having people think your Messiah was conceived before his parents were formally married.
March 28th, 2006 at at 2:32 pm
Reminds me of Sam Kinison’s routine:
“That just better be God’s son! And that better be gods ONLY son!”
March 30th, 2006 at at 9:38 am
Hang on, isn’t this the plot of the Life of Brian?