Lent
Today is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of the season of Lent. Catholics around the world will go to their houses of worship and have the year-old ashes of palm leaves smeared on their foreheads with olive oil as a symbol to those around them that they are gullible. The forty days of Lent count down to the celebration of the most misunderstood and out-of-control practical joke in history, when several women named Mary moved Jesus’ body, made up a story about an angel and told everyone the messiah had risen from the dead. Imagine their shock when they were taken seriously.
The commemoration of Lent, while it has been highly mutable through the centuries, has always involved some kind of self-deprivation. The modern American position is that Lent is a time during which the lord calls on us to be unhappy to show our love for him. He wants us to pick something we enjoy and give it up for no reason other than the fact that he decided to send his son to earth to be nailed to a tree rather than just use his god magic to make everything the way he wanted it to be. God is a bit of a drama queen, and actually invented the martyr complex.
So, totally missing the point of Lent, most people choose to give up something that’s bad for them. They seem to think they can trick god. Either they believe that the concept of a win-win situation goes over his divine head, or they suspect that god may be secretly in the employ of Weight Watchers or Nicorette. I suppose it might just be a misapplication of the old saw “God helps those who help themselves,” which is actually better stated as “Help yourself, because god ain’t doin’ diddley-dick for you, if he ever did in the first place.” (thanks Jeff)
For the throngs of Christians who are today selecting their form of self-serving sacrifice, I have a suggestion. For Lent this year, give up god. That’s right. It’s only forty days. Try it out and see how it feels. Don’t go for ashes today. If you already have, wipe that silly crap off your forehead, and start this afternoon. No church. No rosaries. No mealtime or bedtime prayers. Give up god cold turkey and see how good you feel on Easter morning. Think of it as a variant on the Grape Nuts challenge.
What are you going to do instead?
You could give up smoking, I suppose, but religion is just as addictive, and quitting god doesn’t cause you to gain weight. “But smoking could kill me,” you say. Well, if you end up with lung cancer or emphysema, those medications are expensive. Without the extra cash you’ve been tossing into the collection basket each week, you might not be able to afford them. See? God is just as dangerous. Besides, you should keep smoking for another ten months so you have some good material for a New Year’s resolution.
You could give up dessert, but how about all the empty calories in the body and blood of Christ? What are you going to do about that? I won’t even mention the white chocolate bunnies and hot cross buns. It’s an indirect effect that’s hard to see, but god is fattening. You and god will never fit into your “thin jeans” together. Put down the jelly beans and drop a few pounds on the atheist diet.
You could give up video games or the Internet or sex or caffeine, but let’s be realistic. None of those will stick. Of all the things on earth, those are four of the best. I give you a week if you pick one of those. Besides, do you really think you’ll go to heaven because you take a forty day break from The Sims? What kind of an irrational deity… uh… never mind.
Now, here’s the best reason of all to give up god for Lent. If it lasts, and you give up god permanently, you don’t have to give up anything next year. Nothing at all. In atheist circles, Lent is known as “March.” There’s no sacrifice involved, but you still get the benefit of lion and lamb side-by-side (at least according to some old wives I know). During atheist “March,” we don’t smear you with anything at all (unless you want us to, but that’s none of my business). If you want to pick up some leaves, we don’t make you listen to a lecture first. Just go to the grocery store or your local garden center. They have all the cellulose and none of the guilt.
Don’t think you’re out there alone, either. We’re here for you. If you feel withdrawal symptoms, stop by and read some old God is a Dick posts for a renewal of purpose. If you need to discuss your struggle with credulity, this site is staffed 27×7 by atheist volunteers who will answer your questions and talk you through the tough spots. Old habits die hard. If you accidentally start to pray, it’s OK. That’s normal in the beginning. Just get right back up on that horse and try again.
I hope you’ve found some inspiration here on this most sacred of Wednesdays, and remember that god loves you. Well, that’s not true, but you won’t be ready for total honesty until some time in April.
~I AM~
March 1st, 2006 at at 11:18 am
Many good chuckles in that one. I hope you get some takers. I’ll back you up by personally volunteering to provide counseling to any “March” convert that needs it. That “March” Lion can be a little scary, maybe not as scary as another lion I know, but still rather intimidating.
March 1st, 2006 at at 11:51 am
Hah, genius. Now that’s one bad habit a lot of people could stand to lose! Be sure and let us know if you get any takers…
March 1st, 2006 at at 11:56 am
Excellent job! I laughed out loud in a couple of spots. BTW, I think a link to your “God Is a Dick” series should be prominently displayed somewhere on your front page. I had to look in the archives to find it. It’s a great starting point for newcomers to your site.
March 1st, 2006 at at 12:00 pm
No commentary. I just like this quote.
Oh, wait, I should mention that I never celebrated Lent the proper way. As a child and adolescent, I knew it as “Get ready for the two-hour long Easter cantata!” festival, in which I usually played a shepherd wearing smelly makeup.
March 1st, 2006 at at 12:39 pm
I’m
to say that I gave up catholicism a long time ago.
March 1st, 2006 at at 4:10 pm
This is hilarious. I was laughing so hard at some parts! I was just in the grocery store today and saw several sheeple there with dirty foreheads. This brings back to my memory a time when I took my kids to the store on an ash wednesday when they were small and my daughter said “mama, that lady has a dirty face!” I was like “shhhh” and tried to distract her and she said LOUDER “BUT MAMA, WE NEED TO TELL THAT LADY SHE HAS A DIRTY FACE SO SHE CAN WASH IT OFF!”
March 1st, 2006 at at 6:13 pm
I saw someone with crap smeared in a nice little circle on the middle of their forehead today. I was sooo tempted to yell, “Jaffa! Kree!” at them…
March 1st, 2006 at at 8:02 pm
I don’t think that, what appears to be superstition in some (even many) religious people proves that their religious beliefs are wrong, any more than a superstitious atheist proves that atheism as a whole is wrong. It seems that people are inherently inconsistent. I suspect that, if we were honest, we would all admit to living inconsistent with what our claimed beliefs are.
March 1st, 2006 at at 8:38 pm
Atheists don’t have a book full of rules, and most (if not all) Biblical rules (some of which Christians can’t even remember when questioned) are completely idiotic, and should not be followed. Most of these aren’t even applicable to modern-day life in our current environment.
But, when a rulebreaking Christian is called out on following this rule (unknown to him, before now) he or she uses the excuse “I don’t believe in that part of the Bible.”
“I like the Ten Commandments, and maybe a couple Old Testament stories, but thats it. The rest? I don’t like it.”
Such is the picking and choosing excuse.
When an atheist breaks their own rules, he most likely admits it.
When a Christian breaks their own rules, he most likely disbelieves it.
Now, that ain’t very smart. Wouldn’t you think they’d of disbelieved the whole damn book by now?
March 1st, 2006 at at 9:07 pm
Great job!!
I have been home with the flu, but I usually look forward to going out and seeing all of the smudges on foreheads. I always seem to be at the mall with my boys on Ash Wed (for the last 2 years anyway). I was planning on going today to try to get some pictures of unaware people walking around with black stuff smeared on their foreheads. Damn flu.
March 2nd, 2006 at at 1:15 am
Actually, I gave it up for Lent last year. Tis a good idea.. I liked it so much, I gave religion up permanently.
March 2nd, 2006 at at 1:41 am
Absolutely hillarious, I love it!!
“as a symbol to those around them that they are gullible”–perfect
March 2nd, 2006 at at 1:54 am
I didn’t see any ash on anyone’s face this year, but last year, when I lived in the south, almost everyone I saw had it smeared on them. Pretty much the only time in my life when I felt justified in judging people by their appearance
March 2nd, 2006 at at 2:57 am
I was told by my catholic sister-in-law that these words are said at her church before the ashes are placed on their foreheads…”Remember, man, that thou art dust and unto dust thou shalt return.”
How idiotic to have to be reminded that they are going to die!!
After the ashes are put on the forehead comes the self-reinforcement chants of “we are bad, we are so very bad” and a person is supposed to keep the ashes on until after sundown as a reminder of how very very very bad they are. It’s not only a symbol of how gullible they are…but of how into public self-humiliation they are! YIKES…that is sick!
March 2nd, 2006 at at 5:23 am
I’ve long been tempted to approach one of these smudgy pilgrims and offer them a burnt match with the words, “It looks like you could use a little touch-up.”
March 2nd, 2006 at at 10:07 am
Here’s my two LENTS
It happened around lunchtime yesterday. I was on the phone and my boss had just walked back in from lunch. From the moment he came into my periferal vision I could tell something looked different about him. A side note, he’s bald. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. As he walked by my cubical to hang up his coat, I looked up and noticed he had a suety spot on his forehead. I thought he had bumped his head on something. Being the nice guy that I am I said to him, “You’ve got something on your head.” He smiled, in that semi-embarassed way and said he knows. Well I didn’t think he really believed me and I said, “No, really you’ve got something on your head!” He again, now with blushing cheeks, said I know and kept on walking. At that time I looked up to see another guy I know come through the door with a black, ashy mark on his forehead. It then hit me, “DOH! Ashe Wednesday!” LOL!
I then hit the road for lunch. I work downtown. As soon as I hit the streets, I started to see more and more foreheads with the “mark”. I felt like an alien invasion had taken place. I was walking with a friend of mine and I told her that we should start our own cult and place mustard or salsa on our heads today in honor of our faith.
:twisted:
Can you give up Lent for Lent? Just a thought.
March 2nd, 2006 at at 10:40 am
Such consistency of thought in this crowd, how do you people get dressed in the morning?
First the host of this site shows a God-like omniscience by declaring, “So, totally missing the point of Lent, most people choose to give up something that’s bad for them.” And you know this how, exactly? You have surveyed every Christian and discovered that they don’t give up anything enjoyable but only give up stuff that’s bad for them? How did you accomplish this amazing survey?
Then Doctor M sez atheists have no book of rules then sez atheists are quick to admit when they’ve broken their rules. What is it Doc - you got rules or not? M also displays all powerful knowledge by declaring, “But, when a rulebreaking Christian is called out on following this rule (unknown to him, before now) he or she uses the excuse “I don’t believe in that part of the Bible.” Every rulebreaking Christian does this? You’ve asked them all? Gosh - how do you folks find the time to talk to so many people?
stardust1954 is offended that one Lenten ceremony offers the “ashes to ashes, dust to dust” thing. Strange that someone with the handle “stardust” would be offended by this particular bit. Isn’t the whole atheist thing about how there is no afterlife and that we all just return to the ground? This offends you to be reminded about your mortality? So what is this, just happy, happy head in the sand sprinkle stardust on the little bunnies atheism?
Geez, what a buncha immature busy bodies - you guys come off like a middle school lunch table. “Ick - did you see him - he had these nasty ashes on his head - gross!”
March 2nd, 2006 at at 10:59 am
Ick - did you see him - he’s a mainline protestant - gross!”
March 2nd, 2006 at at 12:05 pm
stardust1954 is offended that one Lenten ceremony offers the “ashes to ashes, dust to dust” thing. Strange that someone with the handle “stardust” would be offended by this particular bit.
MP~
Typical christian strategy of twisting meanings…guess it is habit from all that babble reading……
I am NOT at all offended by that “particular bit” HOWEVER I find it hilarious that christians must be continually reminded that they are going to die. When I die I will indeed return to “stardust”…that is the reason for my handle. I don’t need a crutch to deal with that fact of NATURE. I am 51 years old and grown up enough not to have an imaginary friend. Good fun is not immature…Have you ever watched Monty Python???? Or is that a “sin?”
Do you know what parody and satire are? Do you have the slightest sense of humor?
March 2nd, 2006 at at 12:13 pm
Ok …I now see that Mainline Protestant is on our side.
I am fairly new to blogland…
I should have checked out Mainline Protestant’s blog before commenting.
MP– You are GOOD. GOT ME!
March 2nd, 2006 at at 12:45 pm
First the host of this site shows a God-like omniscience
Thank you for noticing.
March 2nd, 2006 at at 1:53 pm
Oh, yeah?
March 3rd, 2006 at at 9:04 pm
Mainline Portestant:
I take offense to that. And you come off like a… a… well, a mainline protestant.
March 4th, 2006 at at 8:30 pm
MP:
What, you gotta have a rulebook to have rules? How anal.
Hey, I was raised Catholic, each Lent we tried to give up something we didn’t like.
It’s called human nature, you putz.
Oh, and you know this ‘unknown’ rule how? You work for the Gallup polls? Did you go door-to-door, taking surveys?
You people break your own damn rules so often, why don’t you just throw the damn playbook out the window? Here’s 1 of YOUR OWN RULES: Judge not lest thou be judged.
Live by your own damn rules.
& quit judging.
March 5th, 2006 at at 2:08 pm
Could someone please explain if MP is a real xian or a spoof? I am new here and after looking at his blog can’t tell if it is real or a parody.
March 7th, 2006 at at 11:54 pm
Stardust:
Yeah, I’m w/you on this one. I ain’t all that new to this, but not an old vet, either.
If he’s a spoof, I owe him an apology.
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