God is a Dick - Part XXVIII: The Lion in the Lamb
Jesus is often referred to as the Prince of Peace. He is famous for telling his followers to “turn the other cheek.” However, Jesus had another side. There are passages in the gospels that show his violent streak, and I will point some of them out for you this week.
I’m accusing Jesus of having other than peaceful intentions, but I won’t ask you to take my word for it. He said so, himself. One of the clearest statements Jesus makes regarding his violent side is found in Matthew 10.
“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” (MAT 10:34 NIV)
Now, there aren’t very many peaceful uses for a sword. It’s a clumsy instrument for cutting a steak, and the Franklin Mint was not yet in existence, so I don’t think he intends for it to be decorative. The sword he brings is for violent punishment.
“The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers.”
“That servant who knows his master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows.” (LUK 12:46-48 NIV)
Well, at least those who didn’t know about Jesus will be punished somewhat less for not following him. That seems fair, don’t you think? Don’t let that quell your fear, though. Like a bullied first-grader, Jesus makes a point of telling us how frightened we should be of his father.
“But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him.” (LUK 12:5 NIV)
Jesus, since most of the readers of this site are going to hell, would you tell us some more about it?
“The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” (MAT 13:41-42 NIV)
So far, I’ve just talked about the nasty and violent things Jesus is going to do to us after we die. However, he had a bit of a temper problem even during his life. It’s not restricted to sinners, though. Jesus is even willing to take out his anger on plants.
Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.”
In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Peter remembered and said to Jesus, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”(MAR 11:12-14, 20-21 NIV)
IT’S NOT FIG SEASON, you lunatic! What the hell was that? It was an innocent tree. Frankly, I’m not sure a tree can be guilty of anything, anyway, but this one is sentenced to death.
The animal kingdom is also not safe from Jesus. In the region of the Gerasenes, Jesus and the apostles find a man beset with a large number (a legion or so) of demons. Knowing that they were about to be exorcised, the demons ask a favor.
A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. The demons begged Jesus, “Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them.” He gave them permission, and the evil spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned. (MAR 5:11-13 NIV)
Two thousand dead pigs. Why? If Jesus had decided not to do a favor for the demons, what was the alternative? They would go wherever all the other demons he exorcises go. However, he sends them into the pigs, who have the sense to commit suicide. What happens to the demons then? Don’t they go wherever all the other demons go? What has been accomplished at the cost of two thousand pigs?
Well, I saved the best for last. In his most famous violent episode, Jesus turns on human beings for the first and only time. Just before Passover, Jesus is in Jerusalem.
In the temple courts he found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, “Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father’s house into a market!” (JOH 2:14-16 NIV)
Made a whip out of cords? This is the Prince of Peace? No wonder they nailed his ass to a tree. He was a menace.
Let’s review. Jesus tells us that he didn’t come to bring peace. He tells us all about how sinners will be punished in the everlasting fires of hell. He uses the analogy of a master beating his slaves to drive the point home. He kills a tree for not producing figs in the off season, causes a couple thousand pigs to become possessed and drown and whips merchants who are just doing their jobs. Like father like son. Dick.
~I AM~
January 14th, 2006 at at 10:26 pm
I got it done a little early this week, so there you go.
January 14th, 2006 at at 10:37 pm
Ah, well, obviously that’s not meant to be taken literally.
Well, except for the pigs part. That seems very believable. Pigs are just unpleasant animals.
January 15th, 2006 at at 12:41 am
I read every word of Conan Doyles Sherlock Holmes stories and I never believed he was a real person. Why do they believe Jesus was?
January 15th, 2006 at at 12:51 am
Not the fig trees!
January 15th, 2006 at at 2:14 am
Some theists claim the fig tree was allegorical for the temple of Jerusalem.
Hmmm. Fig-picking?
January 15th, 2006 at at 9:32 am
Of course they do. Was it not prayer season?
January 15th, 2006 at at 11:48 am
Wow. What a bastard.
January 15th, 2006 at at 3:19 pm
I AM:
There’s a prayer season? Yeesh. I thought every day was prayer season!
Wait, am I getting Judaism mixed up w/Xtianity?
The foibles of the faithful are so confusing at times.
January 15th, 2006 at at 5:22 pm
You are a true scholar. I would like to invite you to my church to speak this truth. Jesus was a very strong man and he understood how strength = peace. I’m a Christian patriot who believs in your message. Jesus through his love of men, allows us to kill for the benefit it may bring to the chosen people.
God Bless.
Sports-manly yours,
Philbert
January 15th, 2006 at at 6:37 pm
…How delightfully deranged.
January 15th, 2006 at at 11:37 pm
Nice job, I AM. For your readers’ entertainment, here are a few more violent rants from Jesus:
Luke 12:49-51: “I came to send fire on the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! But I have a baptism to be baptized with, and how distressed I am till it is accomplished. Do you suppose that I came to give peace on earth? I tell you, not at all, but rather division.”
Matthew 10:14-15: “And whoever will not receive you nor hear your words, when you depart from that house or city, shake off the dust from your feet. Assuredly, I say to you, it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah in the day of judgment than for that city!”
Jesus follows through on his promise to eternally punish entire cities in Matthew 11:20-24: “Then Jesus began to rebuke the cities in which most of His mighty works had been done, because they did not repent: ‘Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the mighty works which were done in you had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. But I say to you, it will be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon in the day of judgment than for you. And you, Capernaum, who are exalted to heaven, will be brought down to Hades; for if the mighty works which were done in you had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. But I say to you that it shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment than for you.’ At that time, Jesus said, ‘I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and have revealed them to babes.’” If only Chorazin and Capernaum hadn’t been so darn wise and prudent!
Matthew 18:8-9: “If your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life lame or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet, than to be cast into the everlasting fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.” Just to show how serious Jesus about cutting body parts off, he offers to following instruction in Matthew 19:12: “For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are unuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.” Yeesh.
Matthew 24:19-21: “But woe to those who are pregnant and to those who are nursing babies in those days! And pray that your flight may not be in winter or on the Sabbath. For then there will be great tribulation, such as has not been since the beginning of the world until this time, no nor ever shall be.”
January 15th, 2006 at at 11:44 pm
Bob:
Nice choices. I almost used a couple of those.
January 16th, 2006 at at 9:44 am
Finally we get the answers of were Pat Robertson and all his CBN followers get there ideas to kill anyone who doesnt believe..Hmmm maybe we are next..LOL
January 16th, 2006 at at 1:39 pm
This should be required reading in public schools.
January 16th, 2006 at at 2:26 pm
You’re way off on the cursing of fig tree from Mark. You’ve pulled the passage out of context - leaving behind the cleansing of the temple in Jerusalem and the return to the fig tree. You’ve got to take the entire pericope to really understand what’s going on.
The sequence of the fig tree is Mark being allegorical. The fig tree represents the traditional hebrew religion at that point in time. And yes, it is not the season for figs, nor is it any longer the season for the priests and the pharisees. And Christ curses the fig tree - killing it. The next sequence involves the temple. JC does his kicking the tables over and whipping the money changers, etc. bringing the worship activities to a grinding halt.
Note too that this passage has Jesus uttering the famous - “‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations? But you have made it ‘a den of robbers.’” This does NOT indicate that the money changers were robbing people or ripping them off. Thieves do not rob in the den - they go to the den to be safe after they commit their crimes. JC is saying that traditional hebrew religion has lost it - it is no longer in season. The Jews are free to sin all they want on the outside - be thieves - and then come to temple, pay their offering and then go about their business - their lives unchanged in any meaningful way. “And they were amazed at his teachings…”
Then, the story continues - they leave the city and encounter the fig tree again - it is now withered. And thus we get the passage that led to some of the most major developments in Christian history: “Have faith in God.” In other words - by faith you are saved. Not by participating in some bullshit ritual at the temple. Any wonder they wanted to kill the guy?
Here-in lies the problem with what you’re doing here. This is ancient literature, dude. They constantly weave allegory with history with fable with poetry - they didn’t just write within a particular genre and follow the rules of that genre. Therefore if you’re going to make a meanful critique of this stuff, you’ve got to do more than just debunk the historical aspect.
January 16th, 2006 at at 5:19 pm
Mainline:
I’d guess your protest would fall under what I AM terms: cherry-picking.
“They constantly weave allegory with history with fable with poetry”
Yeah, not too well, either.
“they didn’t just write within a particular genre and follow the rules of that genre.”
You can say that again. “Hey, rules? We’re the chosen ones! We don’t need no stinkin’ genre rules!”
“you’ve got to do more than just debunk the historical aspect.”
Since it’s bunk, historical is all we got.
January 17th, 2006 at at 9:09 am
Um - RA - the “rules” of genre that we understand today, didn’t exist 2000 years ago. 2000 years ago it was well within the “rules” to weave different types of writing together. It was even considered kisher to write under someone else’s name: thus all the things attributed to “Paul” that clearly were not written by him.
You’d do better to not project today’s culture context onto these ancient writings but try to understand the culture in which they were written.
January 17th, 2006 at at 10:49 am
Mainline:
“Um - RA - the “rules” of genre that we understand today, didn’t exist 2000 years ago. 2000 years ago it was well within the “rules” to weave different types of writing together. It was even considered kisher to write under someone else’s name: thus all the things attributed to “Paul” that clearly were not written by him.
You’d do better to not project today’s culture context onto these ancient writings but try to understand the culture in which they were written”
the problem with this is that those poor misunderstood dolts who live their lives by this book are the same people who claim that god is all-knowing and unchanging, and had a hand in the creation of the babble. therefore, s/he/it would have “known the rules” for proper form and whatnot.
Of course, I write from the vantage point of knowing that it’s all a bunch of horseshit and get on with my life after I post. I wouldn’t even feel compelled to post at all if it weren’t for the fact that there are idiots in this country who actually believe this tripe to the point where they’re content allowing a bunch of evangelical fuckwits to try to pass their beliefs into law and try to introduce things like intelligent design into our classrooms.
January 17th, 2006 at at 1:22 pm
Hook the nice decent people with the Prince of peace story. Get them to be on your side. Refrain from telling them about the killing part for as long as possible. Marinate in peace and love of Jesus and god. Then slowly get them to agree to killing as the only and last resort which is only because we have been so kind and loving. I think I finally get the real reason why the founding fathers of this nation said NO to state religion. And why it’s more important than ever to stand against religious infiltration into our politial process.
Convince enough people that Jesus would want you to kill Those people. Sanction it with the president and all killing is OK.
Man this liars religion crap makes me mad.
JIM
January 17th, 2006 at at 8:33 pm
Mainline Protestant:
Why, thank you for your biting analysis.
I flatter myself in thinking that I do no such thing, as ‘project today’s culture’, as I am more the xenophile.
I infer that you are accusing me of some form of moral relativism?
While I’m nothing more than an amateur, I do take into account how ANOTHER culture thinks.
I’m not that Eurocentric. Or Americo-centric (or whatever the term may be).
You may want to get a refund on that armchair psychology degree: it was a waste of money.
Psuedipigrapha is the phrase (Acts of Pilate springs to mind). Not a common phrase in OUR culture. Here it’s called ‘ghost-writing’, if I’m not mistaken?
I have read the bibble, the Gnostic Gospels (Nag Hammadi & Pagels’ work), as my xenophilia extends to cultural diversity, past & present.
Perhaps not as fluent as I AM or yourself, but I do have some grasp of allegory, nuances, etc. , thanks much.
January 18th, 2006 at at 5:34 pm
Puts a whole new perspective on C.S. Lewis’ “Lord, Liar or Lunatic” choice regarding Jesus. I would postulate Liar (or at least deluded) & Lunatic. After all, didn’t Jesus state something like there are some of you standing here today who will not taste of death until you see my return in glory (not exact KJV quote) and other false prophecies regarding timing of his “return”. As for lunatic….didn’t Thomas Paine say something about the woeful lack of lunatic asylums in ancient Palestine and that fact explaining the state of modern day western religion?
January 18th, 2006 at at 9:18 pm
valgirl0:
I’d put another L word there: Lost.
““The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.”
I’m of the theory that due to the proliferation of opium in the ME, it’s a small wonder those folks were having ‘visions’.
February 8th, 2006 at at 1:32 am
Jahrta,
Are you a scientist? Just asking because I saw your post slamming intelligent design.
February 8th, 2006 at at 8:38 pm
Valgirl0 says “didn’t Jesus state something like there are some of you standing here today who will
not taste of death until you see my return in glory (not exact KJV quote)”
Luke 9:27 “But I tell you of a truth, there be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the kingdom of God.” (KJV) Seems straight forward doesn’t? But it would be wrong to add a private interpretation to this the Bible interprets itself and isolated sentences were never meant to be plucked out of the context of the block of teaching they were a part of. Therefore you need to go a little further in Luke to complete the teaching of Jesus on ‘the Kingdom of God’ to understand what and where it was?
In Luke 17:20 the pharisees asked Jesus a question about the kingdom of God and He answered this question in verse 21:
“And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the Kingdom of God should come, He answered them and said, The Kingdom of God cometh not with observation: Neither shal they say, Lo here! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.”
The concept therefore is if you accept a King as your Lord and Ruler you are part of His Kingdom. In Jesus case he made it clear that tranferring from Satan as your king to Jesus as your King and becoming a part of the Kingdom of God did not involve ‘observing’ with your eyes a visibly different landscape from the Earth around you because the Bible says “The Earth is the Lords and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein.” (Psalm 24:1). Jesus made it clear that it was not and exact location so that someone could say “Here it is” because the word ‘World’ which is the Lord’s pocession according to Psalm 24:1 includes the earth, the heavens and all that dwell therein. Therefore Christ’s teaching here is that you are already in His territory but the Kingdom of God comes to you when the King (Jesus) rules as a King in your heart “The Kingdom of God is in you.” People of these days understood that even if a citizen of an earthly kingdom ruled over by a human king left His kingdom territory they were still a member of that kingdom when they returned, in the case of Christ there is no limit to the territorial boundaries of His Kingdom of God only heart boundaries e.g. having Satan as a king. Therefore it is quite legitimate to say that when someone makes the switch from Satan as lord and king of their life and in their heart to Christ as King then the Kingdom of God has come to them and they are citizens of God’s Kingdom and ’see the Kingdom of God’ not with their natural eyes as in ‘observing or it is here type beholding of it’ but in their heart as they come into relationship with God the King and see with the eyes of their heart the Kingdom of God - where they are no longer blinded to it but see it for the first time - the penny has dropped for them.