God is a Dick – Part XXVI: Jonah
I don’t normally take requests, but two weeks ago I was asked by a reader to cover the story of Jonah after she had been discussing the book with her family. I had come close to using Jonah several times, but I always chose something more substantial because it’s such a short book. This was just the push I needed. Happy New Year, Jacquie.
The book starts out with god telling Jonah to go to the wicked city of Nineveh and preach against it. Jonah, the original draft dodger, doesn’t want to go to Nineveh, so he flees. He obviously doesn’t know that you’re not supposed to run. You should curl up in a ball with your head between your knees and play dead. Actually, that may be for a bear. No matter. It should work just as well with god.
So Jonah finds a ship headed for Tarshish. The book doesn’t tell us why Tarshish is a particularly good place to hide from god. Exhibiting his typical lack of concern over collateral damage, god sends a violent storm, endangering the lives of everyone on the ship. The sailors throw their cargo overboard to lighten the vessel, suffering economic damages through no fault of their own. They all begin praying to their gods and then they realize that Jonah is asleep below deck. They wake him up and cast lots to find out who on board is responsible for the storm, because as we all know, storms never just happen on their own.
When Jonah is indicated as the cause, they ask him who he is and why this is happening. They also ask how to make it stop. Jonah says that they must throw him into the sea.
Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before. Then they cried to the LORD, “O LORD, please do not let us die for taking this man’s life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you, O LORD, have done as you pleased.” Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm. At this the men greatly feared the LORD, and they offered a sacrifice to the LORD and made vows to him. (JON 1:13-16 NIV)
At this point, one of the silliest events in the entire Bible occurs. Jonah is swallowed by a huge fish and spends three days and three nights inside it. With nothing else to do, Jonah prays. He praises god and thanks him for sending the fish to save his life. There is no mention of the fact that his life was only in danger because of god in the first place. When god is satisfied that Jonah is sufficiently thankful for being cast into the sea and swallowed by a fish, he commands the fish to vomit Jonah up on land. That is a lovely image, isn’t it?
Once again, god tells Jonah to go preach in Nineveh, and this time Jonah decides that might be the best way to go to avoid being swallowed by anything else.
Jonah obeyed the word of the LORD and went to Nineveh. Now Nineveh was a very important city—a visit required three days. On the first day, Jonah started into the city. He proclaimed: “Forty more days and Nineveh will be overturned.” The Ninevites believed God. They declared a fast, and all of them, from the greatest to the least, put on sackcloth. (JON 3:3-5 NIV)
Really? They believed him? Nineveh was one of the largest cities in the world, and they all just dropped what they were doing and put on sackcloth because a guy who smelled like the inside of a fish told them god was pissed off? Well, if the Bible says so, it must be true. Seeing the repentance of Nineveh, rather than go all Sodom and Gomorrah on its ass, god relents. The city is safe from the total destruction that I’m so totally sure would have happened if it weren’t for all the sackcloth.
Jonah, who has been inconvenienced, nearly drowned and eaten by this point is annoyed with god for not even giving him a fireworks display in return. He whines to god.
“O LORD, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. Now, O LORD, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.” (JON 4:2-3 NIV)
When god tells Jonah he has no right to be angry, Jonah leaves the city. He finds a spot east of town to sit and watch in case anything happens to Nineveh. God causes a vine to grow up next to Jonah and provide shade for him. However, the next day, god sends a worm to kill the vine. He then provides a hot wind and blazing sun to make things really uncomfortable for Jonah. Jonah tells god that he is angry about the vine and wants to die.
But the LORD said, “You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?” (JON 4:10-11 NIV)
That’s it. That’s the end of the story, folks. God is a wiseass, and the tale is over. You’d think an omnipotent being would have a greater power of analogy, wouldn’t you?
Let’s review. God tells Jonah to go to Nineveh. Jonah tries to skip town, so god tries to sink the ship he’s on, risking the lives of plenty of innocent bystanders. The sailors lose their cargo as a result. Jonah is then eaten and vomited by a fish, for which he is thankful. The city of Nineveh is threatened with destruction, and the people have to fast and wear sackcloth. God then toys with Jonah for a couple of days and probably gives him a pretty bad sunburn in the process. Dick.
~I AM~
January 1st, 2006 at at 1:04 am
It occurs to me that a good contest would be to come up with slogans for god; stuff “Silly God, damnation is for Protestants!” or “God: Better than the next leading brand.”
And with your series to reflect on, we could make all sorts of male enhancement jokes.
*cough*
Happy 2006.
January 1st, 2006 at at 12:28 pm
*sigh* thank you! Happy New Year to you all as well.
I have another question for you (I Am, readers, whoever), after which I will stop asking questions because I’ll be in France with other things to do… like homework in another language. I don’t come home (Haiti) very often because I’m normally in school in Indiana, but I saw one of my old high school profs the other day, a guy that I respect very much, and we started talking about how I’ve changed since high school, which involved my becoming an atheist. He was very surprised and not at all encouraging and took that attitude (and I _hate_ this) of “Well, you just have to have so much more faith than I do to believe that and blah blah blah.” So, even though I am perfectly comfortable as an atheist, I sure haven’t done enough reading and such to be able to argue against most things, even though I have ideas about what I would say in response to things like this. So, what I’m asking for is a reading list (even better if I can find French authors, but I’m not picky
). Specifically, not just stuff about atheism in general, but more how the brain works and such, since his argument was that consciousness and values and logic can’t come from rocks and nothingness, which I don’t think is correct but of course have no academic background to tell him so. So, if there’s anything like that out there, it would at least help me know a little better why I think as I do.
A quick and not-too-complicated summary of evolution would be nice too, since I went to a really conservative Christian school all my life and (funny) that was never covered, and I feel like a really dumb atheist.
Thanks, and I hope you all have fun in the U.S. while I run around in France, hopefully without many burning cars!
January 1st, 2006 at at 3:17 pm
Do a Google search for wackononsense.pdf. This will give you a nice overview on what’s out there in the field of Evolutionary Theory, and give you something of a jumping off point. If you can’t find it. e-mail me and I’ll send you a copy.
There was a Nova program on the brain that explored “religious’ stimulation, among other things. If you catch it, they make reference to several researchers and their fields of study.
Here’s a little experiment for the Fundie to do in his spare time: Take a 130 lb. live pig to a marine aquarium and ask if there is any marine species that both could and would swallow it whole.
January 1st, 2006 at at 6:24 pm
I oh so agree with you, ~I AM~. god IS a Dick. But he is, unfortunately, also a dangerous Dick. Why do you think that every time someone sneezes, someone else starts a war? Duh! Because “god” is a warrior god. Yahweh is a warrior god. Jehovah is a warrior god. Allah is a warrior god. (I think Vishnu is, too, but I need to go check on my facts before I say so in public.) These dudes aren’t just pesky nothings. They’re killing us. I say we need to get more proactive about kicking them off the planet.
January 2nd, 2006 at at 8:48 am
Jacquie,
There was a a nice 8-part series on evolution on PBS several years ago. It was a really interesting series, lots of interesting facts. The last one deals with religion specifically. You can find it online at mvgroup.org. They may even have French subtitles. Sign up and do a search for it.
January 2nd, 2006 at at 8:13 pm
Jacquie,
I have an article about the brain on my website:
http://www.ebonmusings.org/atheism/ghost.html
Check it out – it may be of help to you.
January 4th, 2006 at at 11:58 am
This made me laugh out loud.
Thank you.
January 5th, 2006 at at 6:28 pm
I thought about you heathens today … I was listening to an archived edition of the public radio show, ‘This American Life’. In this particular episode, Julia Sweeny recounts some of the not-so-Christian things that god does in the Bible. The whole show is worth listening to, but the relevant ‘god is a dick’ part starts at around 46:25. Check it out here – the show date is 6/3/2005; episode #290 (RealAudio required).
Off to sacrifice my children to god to prove my faith …
January 6th, 2006 at at 1:01 am
I was actually going to pen a piece on Jonah to emphasize the lengths apologists will go to in an attempt to defend the obviously asinine. I gathered quite a bit of nonsense from apologist sites as well as some from scientific sites. As usual, I still managed to somehow be amazed at xian’s credulity, but in teh end I was just too disgusted to continue. Perhaps it will eventually see teh light of day (and reason) – like the other half-dozen posts I’ve been working on.
January 11th, 2006 at at 2:42 pm
The Book of Jonah is a satire – not meant to be read literally at all. Through the constant shaming of Jonah it debunks the attitudes of the Dobsons and Robertsons of the world who constantly condemn the Ninevites of our day – liberals, atheists, etc. Funny stuff…
January 11th, 2006 at at 3:12 pm
The Book of Jonah is a satire…
Source?
January 11th, 2006 at at 5:58 pm
The Book of Jonah is a satire…
Source?
The voice of god almighty.
January 12th, 2006 at at 7:06 am
Many years ago (about 40) I read an essay by Bertrand Russell, “Why I am not a Christian”. It convinced me, and I have never looked back since. I’ve not heard or seen any convincing reason to believe in a god since then, so Occam’s Razor prevails.
January 12th, 2006 at at 8:46 am
Source? It should be obvious to anyone who can read and think. You guys read the bible as literally as the most ignorant fundie.
Jonah hates the Ninevites – hates them – claims he hates them because they are Godless. So God calls his bluff and sends him to convert the heathens. But Jonah doesn’t really want the Ninevites to get religion – he wants to see God punish them – destroy them. So he stupidly tries to run off and hide.
Then we get the hilarious ocean voyage – the three days in the fish – the vomiting up on shore – and the smelly Jonah stamping around Ninevah spounting his rote injunction – because, again, he doesn’t want these people to get right with God.
But they do – and this drives him absolutely batshit – so he goes off to the hillside there hoping against hope that HIS God will do what HE wants – destroy these people he hates. But no, God messes with him some more – shows him for the pathetic blowhard that he is.
Jonah is the same sort of guy as these Left Behind types – they don’t want the world converted. They want to be RIGHT – then they can sit in heaven, next to jesus and dig the gory destruction of evil heathens who made their lives so miserable when they were here.
What’s so hard to understand?
January 12th, 2006 at at 1:27 pm
Source? It should be obvious to anyone who can read and think.
If the obvious is your standard, then it should be even more obvious that the entirety of Christianity is full of shit. Thanks for the laugh. Pray for a brain.