For David had done what was right in the eyes of the LORD and had not failed to keep any of the LORD’s commands all the days of his life—except in the case of Uriah the Hittite. (1KI 15:5 NIV)

Last week, we looked at the case of Uriah the Hittite. If you haven’t already read Part XXIV, please do so now. As promised, this week we’ll look at the rest of David’s reign in order to see the actions of which god approves. I will limit this analysis to Dave’s actions after the death of Saul.

At the very beginning of 2 Samuel, a messenger comes to Dave and tells him that Saul and Jonathan are dead. He says that he came upon Saul on Mount Gilboa during a battle.

“He asked me, ‘Who are you?’
” ‘An Amalekite,’ I answered.

“Then he said to me, ‘Stand over me and kill me! I am in the throes of death, but I’m still alive.’

“So I stood over him and killed him, because I knew that after he had fallen he could not survive. And I took the crown that was on his head and the band on his arm and have brought them here to my lord.” (2SA 1:8-10 NIV)

So, to repay the Amalekite for putting Saul out of his misery and bringing the crown, David has him killed. How dare he not allow the lord’s anointed one to continue suffering! How dare he not leave the crown of the kingdom lying in the dirt! I suppose, however, that Dave was just lashing out in his grief. He had just lost his “special friend,” Jonathan.

I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;
you were very dear to me.
Your love for me was wonderful,
more wonderful than that of women. (2SA 1:26 NIV)

…not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Anyway, after this event, David travels to Hebron, where he is crowned as king of Judah, but the crown of Israel is passed to Ish-Bosheth (Saul’s son) by Abner (Saul’s general). This kicks off a power struggle between the houses of Saul and David. Now, back in the battle of Gibeon, Abner had killed Abishai, brother of David’s general, Joab. In retribution, Joab kills Abner when the opportunity presents itself. Despite the fact that Abner deserved what he got and the fact that this murder leads David’s reign over a reunited kingdom, Dave curses Joab and his entire family for killing Abner.

Later, when David heard about this, he said, “I and my kingdom are forever innocent before the LORD concerning the blood of Abner son of Ner. May his blood fall upon the head of Joab and upon all his father’s house! May Joab’s house never be without someone who has a running sore or leprosy or who leans on a crutch or who falls by the sword or who lacks food.” (2SA 3:28-29 NIV)

Charming. Later, Dave decides that this wasn’t good enough, and he orders Joab’s execution from his death bed.

David establishes a pattern of turning against those who kill his enemies in the following chapter. When two men bring Dave the head of Ish-Bosheth (king of Israel), he has their hands and feet cut off, and hangs their bodies by the pool. He does not, however, hesitate to seize the opportunity to become king of Israel.

To celebrate his new position, David launches a campaign to seize Jerusalem from the Jebusites. The first order of business is to kill the blind and the lame. The reason for this varies by translation, but I think it’s safe to say that Dave is not a big fan of the handicapped.

Dave continues spilling blood and spreading misery for god in subsequent campaigns. He kills a bunch of Philistines (old habits die hard), smites two thirds of the Moabites and slaughters 22,000 Syians. After capturing the city of Rabbah, all of the inhabitants are enslaved and set to hard labor.

He’s also not quite done with the family of Saul. When the lord sends three years of famine, Dave asks god what’s up. The big guy says that people are starving because Saul had put the Gibeonites to death a generation earlier. Well, that’s sensible. So, David rounds up seven of Saul’s grandchildren, kills them, and hangs their bodies. David is remembered for many things, but one of his most important contributions was his groundbreaking work in the field of decorating with corpses. He was a sort of macabre Martha Stewart, but somewhat more likeable. And, as for insider trading, the guy used to talk to god. ‘Nuff said.

That’s about it for Dave, but I would like to throw in one incident of direct dickery, just to complete the picture. In 2 Samuel 24, god suggests that Dave take a census of the fighting men of Israel. After almost ten months, Joab returns from his counting mission, having found 1.3 million soldiers (yeah right). At this point, god gives Dave three choices of punishment for carrying out the census. What? God commanded the census, right? Well, I guess he changed is mind. It is not explained why a census is a bad thing, by the way. So, David is to choose three years of famine, three months of fleeing from his enemies or three days of plague. Dave doesn’t exactly make a choice, but he indicates that he doesn’t like option B. So, god picks plague, and 70,000 men die.

Let’s review. These are things of which god obviously approves: an ambiguously gay duo (David and Jonathan), the execution of those who perform euthanasia (paging Dr. Kevorkian), cursing someone with death and disease for avenging his brother’s death, killing enemy kings (but not this time), killing the blind and lame, slavery, hanging dead bodies as accent pieces. These are the things of which god obviously does not approve: censuses, following orders. Dick.

~I AM~