Christmas Watch 2005: The Other War on Christmas
O’Reilly, Falwell, et al. are right about one thing (and only one). There is a War on Christmas. What they don’t seem to realize is that it’s a two front war, and their greatest threat is not on the secular front. There is a Cancer on Christmas that is destroying it from within.
Tomorrow, many churches in the United States will be closed. It doesn’t matter that it’s Christ’s birthday. It doesn’t even matter that it’s Sunday. These houses of worship have decided that there are more important things to do on Christmas than praising the baby Jesus. Do you think the shepherds would have stayed at home to open presents? Do you think the magi would have cancelled their trip to spend some time with their families? I doubt it. Maybe god needs to start sending out Angel-grams™ again to invite people to worship his son, because they don’t seem to care much about it anymore.
If you should fail to say Merry Christmas in a store or an ad, the religious right will have you strung up with tinsel. If you suggest that separation of church and state applies to manger scenes on government land, they’ll explode like a glass ornament falling off my living room winter shrubbery (a path!, a path!). How dare the big, evil ACLU try to keep the Christ out of Christmas!?! Well, separation of church and state is a real problem for the Christians when the churches won’t even be in use. State is all that’s left.
If there really was a Jesus, opposed to the control of Israel by a commercial, pagan empire, how do you think he would feel about Christmas in 2005? If he saw Santa Claus, Christmas trees, holiday clearance sales and flashing lights in front of every house, how do you think he would feel about that? Now imagine him finding out that the churches are closed.
So, my dear holiday heathens, regardless of our successes or failures in our War on Christmas, rest assured. Tomorrow, 85% of Americans will celebrate Christmas, but there will be very little Christ to be found anywhere. No matter how they may respond to polls or how much Fox News they may watch, most Americans don’t give a crap about Christ when push comes to shove. They just want to hold on to tradition, and they want to be right. They’ll talk at length about their faith, but then they’ll center their Christmas celebrations around stuff and a vaguely Scandinavian demigod in a red suit and hat. The star of the show is no longer Jesus. It’s the gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Hypocristians.
~I AM~
December 24th, 2005 at at 12:58 pm
Run away! Run away! Run away from the stench and the trenches!
Heh, I got the Spamalot piano/vocal songbook for my birthday.
But yea, brilliant post. Don’t forget to add that “h” to “Hypocristians.”
December 24th, 2005 at at 1:52 pm
We are the nights that say, “Nee.”
Go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
I have “All the words” its the scripts from all the Monty Python TV shows.
Would you like to read about the cheese shop with no cheese? or the Dead Parrot? How about the Argument clinic.
Yes, I would. No you don’t. That’s not arguing. Yes it is…
December 24th, 2005 at at 2:09 pm
Yes, they talk and talk, but they really don’t give a shit about the god stuff when it comes down to the wire. This is just the tradition mechanism: “this is the way we did it when we were growing up, therefore, it is the correct, proper, and only way to do it.” I always wondered what religious people would choose: god, or nicotine. God is good and all, and you can induce religious fervor and subsequent neurotransmitter release, but this takes time and practice. A cigarette you just light and load, no need to go to a fancy building, no need to prostrate yourself before anyone, and, best of all, you get into heaven faster! I think folks would stick to nicotine because it is a real and repeatable experience, worshipping is not real, and dying and going to heaven are not testable nor repeatable. Besides which, what’ve the Romans ever done for us?
December 24th, 2005 at at 3:03 pm
Heh, Aeger and I performed Cheese Shop at our school’s variety show last month. It was beautiful. He does a great John Cleese and I am Michael Palin’s psyhic (American) twin.
And on that note, I shall cease the Monyt Python discussion and go celebrate my birthday by watching the Life of Brian.
…lemon curry?
December 24th, 2005 at at 10:00 pm
Don’t forget to add that “h” to “Hypocristians.”
I actually went back and forth on the H. It was perhaps the longest I’ve ever spent thinking about a single letter. It was probably a solid minute. With the H, it looks like hypo-Christians. I don’t mean to imply that they are subchristian, you know? So, I decided to split the word further back (hypocri/stians).
You can consider this scintillating snippet of insight into my writing process to be my Christmas gift to you all.
December 24th, 2005 at at 10:02 pm
MERRY CHRISTMAS FELLOW GODLESS!!
December 24th, 2005 at at 10:10 pm
Seth:
I almost forgot. Happy Birthday!
December 24th, 2005 at at 11:04 pm
Muchos gracias. And now that I think about it, your word is better.
December 25th, 2005 at at 7:06 am
Excellent post! How very true it is that these Christians are hypocrites.
December 25th, 2005 at at 7:31 am
If there really was a Jesus, opposed to the control of Israel by a commercial, pagan empire, how do you think he would feel about Christmas in 2005?
{shakin’head} You rock I AM!
Slurpy Holidays to all y’all, on and off of the Shit List!
December 25th, 2005 at at 3:50 pm
I’m trying hard to keep my children atheist, against the wishes of my family. I was thinking about the battle I would have to have when my mom would ask to take the kids to church. I thought about it and said the hell with it. Take them to church on X-mas, they’ll hate it as much as everyone else does, as much as I did. Nothing makes kids like church more than getting piles of presents and sugar, and then having to leave your new toys so you can sit still for an hour. They came back hating the whole experience. Going to church ruined thier Christmas!
And the best part is my mom loves me for being so sensible and reasonable.
December 26th, 2005 at at 7:11 am
[...] you need some entertaining misanthropy regarding Christmas, read the Evangelical Atheist’s Christmas category. Ho ho ho! # Tom Morris | Tags: Secularism, religion, War onChristmas, Christmas [...]
December 26th, 2005 at at 3:40 pm
Yes, I concur with your analyses there. Though I’ve always tried to remind myself that some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad, and others things make you swear and curse. When you’re chewing on lifes grizzle, don’t grumble, give a wistle, and this’ll help things turn out for the best. And always look on the bright side of life, always look on the……
Sry about my lack of existing for a few days, though I doubt anyone noticed. I’ve been in transit to Texas, the land of the wild, free-range republicans. And my Bob is it hot down here, its like… I dunno… hell?
December 30th, 2005 at at 3:36 am
Um, they closed churches?
Really?
Uh…ok. Maybe I didn’t notice because I don’t really pay much attention to church and all, or maybe I didn’t notice because THE CHURCH PARKING LOTS WERE FULL OF CARS (can’t drive a block in teh midwest without seeing at least one church). Oh yeah, and that little fact that my kids and some other folk I know were at church on xmas.
Those “mega” churches are just big theism malls anyhow. I’ve never been in one, som maybe I’m just talking out my ass, but I have a sneaking suspicion they have “gift shops”.
December 30th, 2005 at at 4:07 pm
Well, I must say that you do have a point. However, there is a difference between “Cultural Christainity” and the real thing. Why are mega churches closing down? Well, they say that it’s because they have to have like a hundred people working just to have services on Christmas day. There fore they make people work on Christmas day, so it would be wrong to have church and make them work on Christmas. Well, Christian or not, I think that is a bunch of crap just like everyone else. This is an example of cultural christianity. Like people who say they are catholic and really have not set foot in the church since the day they were baptized at the age of two.
On the other hand, there is real, true Christianity. There are people that do put Christ first on Christmas. My church was packed on Christmas day. Are there a bunch of idiots who call themselves christians tryingn to fight public battles that they have no business being involved in, yes. Are there a ton of hypocritiacal people, especially in the public eye, who deface the whole thing with there raving ignorance, yes. But that doesn’t mean that Christianity has lost any meaning to the people that hold it.
Those of us who try to follow Christ definitely find it discouraging to see big churches like willow creek and saddle back closing their doors on one of the days that it should be opened every year, whether it’s sunday or not, but we will keep on celebrating Christmas the way that it should be celebrated.