Christmas Watch 2005: Fox’s Versed Anchor
I’m not a fan of Bill O’Reilly, but whatever you may say about the man, you have to admit that he is a source of hope to his fans. He is living proof that in the great United States of America anyone can acheive fame and success, even those without talent, personality or the capacity for thought. Without his shining example, millions of clueless assholes might simply give up hope.
On December 8th, O’Reilly once again had nothing of substance to say, so he instead provided a rewritten version of a well-known poem. I am familiar with this rhetorical technique. I learned it watching the girls in my elementary school.
‘Twas the night before Solstice, and all through the land
the ACLU was watching to keep things in hand.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while forces kept Christmas out of their heads.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed and heard desperate chatter.
Someone had seen my manger display,
And wailed very loudly - go away, go away.
How could I be so crass, so utterly wrong
So show the infant Jesus and sing him a song?
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
An ACLU lawyer, looking stern and aloof.
No manger! No caroling! he said with a snort,
And if you don’t comply immediately, I’ll take you to court!
He was chubby and plump, a right surly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.
He dallied no more, but went straight to his phone
Lamenting the manger, in a most pitiful moan.
But I in the spirit, said nothing unkind
Christmas is forgiveness whatever you find.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
Christmas will survive, the folks will demand it,
Even if secular lawyers will not understand it.
Then I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
Happy Solstice to all, and to all a good night!
I’m not sure why I feel the need to respond to this silly exercise, but I will fight fire with fire and offer a silly exercise of my own.
‘Twas the night before xmas, and all through the nation
Christ-lovers awaited the birth celebration.
O’Reilly was nestled, all smug in his bed.
In the absence of vision, he slept as though dead.
On the television, there arose such a clatter.
“We have Christ to protect and non-Christians to batter.”
O’Reilly awoke to the words of St. Falwell.
The great Christmas war wasn’t going at all well.
Out the window and onto the new-fallen snow
went O’Reilly in haste, shouting “Look out below!”
But what to his wondering eyes should appear?
The town Christmas display with no manger this year.
Wasting no time on thinking, Bill’s lively and quick.
He ran ‘cross the street to stealthily stick
a box full of hay and a babe near the tree,
with a tin foil star and stone shepherds three.
“Now Balthazar! now, Melkior! now, Joseph and Mary!
On, Caspar! On, camels! on donkey that carried
the whole holy family to this place of nativity.
Now dash away all with a godless proclivity.”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So down from the house-tops a police chopper flew.
“Drop that cherub,” they said, “Don’t think we can’t see you.”
And then, in a twinkling, I heard sirens wail
and the local PD pranced old Bill down to jail.
“What’s the charge?” cried O’Reilly. He was most irate.
“In America, you see, we don’t mix church and state.”
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the teeth that he bared were as white as the snow.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
calling his lawyers, that big pompous jerk.
And crossing his fingers, he lied as he rose.
“I’m not guilty, your honor, because heaven knows
The U.S. of A. has a Christian tradition
that shouldn’t be altered by godless sedition.
The American way is to use our taxation
to praise Christ without godless representation.”
The judge sprang to his gavel. “You’re guilty,” he cried.
“You’re not defending your faith. You blatantly lied.
You seek a country with Christians ascendant.
Thank goodness the founders wrote the first amendment.”
I offer this wish to the radical right.
Season’s Greetings to all, and to all a good night.
~I AM~
December 13th, 2005 at at 7:56 pm
Ah, that’s more brilliant than a really smart person.
December 13th, 2005 at at 8:10 pm
its funny. however the O’Riley factor is a good Show!!!! MERRY F-ing CHIRISTMAS U DAMN ACLU!
….so stick that in ur pipe and smoke it!
December 13th, 2005 at at 9:53 pm
Clever, I AM. You’d think fans of his show would actually know how to spell his name.
December 13th, 2005 at at 10:09 pm
Ah, nice work!
December 13th, 2005 at at 11:09 pm
Excellent!!! That was just great! WTG I AM!
December 14th, 2005 at at 1:18 am
Long time no see. I constantly read, been too busy to comment. Finals will be over the end of this week!
However, I’m not here to talk about me. That whole post kicked ass, both in content and delivery. I enjoyed the poem!
December 14th, 2005 at at 9:25 am
Now that’s something I wouldn’t mind sharing with the kiddies. Uh, if I had kiddies.
Still, great work I Am!
December 14th, 2005 at at 10:10 am
That was well done. Very funny!
December 14th, 2005 at at 10:56 am
Check out the argument presented here:
http://www.xanga.com/branthansen
I’m curious what your thoughts would be.
December 14th, 2005 at at 11:11 am
So that sorta makes him like Fred Durst, then?
Great job, I Am.
December 14th, 2005 at at 11:54 am
Oh I AM, you’re too damn talented!
December 14th, 2005 at at 6:00 pm
SD defintely has a point. Let’s keep going,
No Tuesday and Thursday either; Tyr and Thor are not my kind of gods.
December 14th, 2005 at at 6:03 pm
Oh right, and down with St. Patrick’s day!
December 14th, 2005 at at 7:56 pm
I love you.
December 15th, 2005 at at 2:06 am
It’s really starting to piss me off. These ignorant-ass, mentally-Schiavo’d, half-a-retard Christians are pushing it too dammit far.
How utterly ridiculous is it that these fools are getting beligerant about a “holiday” (read: commercial event) that they’re own religion used to consider taboo?! ARRGH!! I can’t take it…I need to go punch somebody in the throat.
Luckily I’m a person of moral character and can think rationally enough to realize that said vilolence will be of absolutely no avail.
But I am getting really fed up with these idiots imaginary persecution.
BTW - excellent work, Yammy. “In the absence of vision, he slept as though dead” LOL
December 15th, 2005 at at 12:09 pm
That was most excellent man. I think that one needs to begin spreading across the internets as fast as possible.
December 15th, 2005 at at 7:33 pm
Just brilliant, truly. I’m in awe. I love how you made so much of the actual poem work… like the “turned with a jerk” into “that big pompous jerk”.
Really, the man is an idiot. You’ve done a much better job than he did. Has anyone sent this to him yet???
December 15th, 2005 at at 8:04 pm
Yes! Yes! do that, does anyone know his email or address?
December 16th, 2005 at at 1:05 am
So, uh…why was my comment deleted/not posted?
December 16th, 2005 at at 7:06 am
Sorry, DUB. I didn’t see it was in the moderation queue. It’s up now. Welcome back, by the way.
December 16th, 2005 at at 8:42 am
Poetic response to O’Reilly on the House floor:
http://www.house.gov/dingell/documents/press_releases/109th_Congress/12-14-
05_2.htm
or:
http://tinyurl.com/d9xbc
“Dingell’s HOLIDAY Jingle for O’Reilly and House GOP
Washington, DC - Congressman John D. Dingell (MI-15) recited the following
poem on the floor of the US House of Representatives concerning House
Resolution 579, which expressed the sense of the House of Representatives
that the symbols and traditions of Christmas should be protected.
“Preserving Christmas” has been a frequent topic for conservative talk show
hosts, including Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly:
‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the House
No bills were passed ‘bout which Fox News could grouse;
Tax cuts for the wealthy were passed with great cheer,
So vacations in St. Barts soon would be near;” [snip rest]
December 16th, 2005 at at 9:12 am
How dare Dingell steal from me the idea to steal the same poem O’Reilly stole. Is there no honor anymore?
December 17th, 2005 at at 2:43 am
No problem, Yam…actually, after I posted the second time, my original showed - complete with disclaimer of awaiting approval (probably due to my foul-a$$ f#ckin’ mouth). I felt sorta lame, but hell - it gets my comment count up.
I’m not really back. I feel horribly delinquent. I’m actually in the middle of writing multiple posts - from the Christian “pick-and-choose” approach to Judaic Law, to the genetic inheritence issues of Jesus’s “conception”, to the Nation of Islam, to raising biracial children in an institutionally racist society, to…oooooh something shiny!!
Was I saying something? Oh, well…when I get internet access (still broke) and some Ritalin, I promise I’ll post again. Thanks for keeping my l;ink up, even though Out Of Respect has tumble weed and dust bunny issues.