Despite what some theologians may claim, there are numerous passages in the Bible which demonstrate that god is not omnipotent, omniscient or omnipresent. For a perfect being, he has a lot of flaws. However, this week we will be examining one area in which he excels. God is practically unparalleled when it comes to holding a grudge.

We first meet Saul in 1 Samuel 9. It seems that Kish has lost his asses [insert joke here], and he asks his son, Saul, to go find them. After searching in vain, Saul and his servant find themselves in Zuph, where a man of god is known to live, so they decide to find him and ask him which way to go. The seer they seek is none other than Samuel. Conveniently enough, Samuel and god had been chatting about Saul the day before. God had chosen Saul to be the first king of Israel, and Samuel was to anoint him, which he does after Saul spends the night in his house. A ceremony is held in which Saul’s kingship is officially announced to the people, and all doubt in his leadership is erased when he saves the people of Jabesh Gilead from having their eyes poked out by the Ammonites.

Saul takes on the Philistines (the biggest threat facing Israel) after his son Jonathan leads 1,000 men in an attack on an outpost.

Jonathan attacked the Philistine outpost at Geba, and the Philistines heard about it. Then Saul had the trumpet blown throughout the land and said, “Let the Hebrews hear!” So all Israel heard the news: “Saul has attacked the Philistine outpost, and now Israel has become a stench to the Philistines.” And the people were summoned to join Saul at Gilgal. (1SA 13:3-4 NIV)

Samuel tells Saul that he will be there in seven days time to perform the offering. However, after seven days, when Samuel still has not arrived and the men have started to scatter, Saul performs a burnt offering on his own.

“What have you done?” asked Samuel. Saul replied, “When I saw that the men were scattering, and that you did not come at the set time, and that the Philistines were assembling at Micmash, I thought, ‘Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the LORD’s favor.’ So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering.”

“You acted foolishly,” Samuel said. “You have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you; if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time. But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people, because you have not kept the LORD’s command.” (1SA 13:11-14 NIV)

Did god not see this coming when he chose Saul for the throne? Does god not like offerings? Isn’t that the whole point? Well, whatever his reasons, this faux-pas is the first step toward god’s revocation of Saul’s sovereignty.

After an unrelated tale in which god causes the Philistines to panic and start killing each other at the sight of Jonathan, Saul receives updated commands from god through Samuel. God wants to punish the Amalekites for what they did to Israel generations ago. Seems fair to me.

Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy everything that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys.’ (1SA 15:3 NIV)

Saul leads 210,000 men to Amalek. He alerts the Kenites that they might want to leave so that he doesn’t accidentally destroy them, too. They appreciate the heads-up and remove themselves from the area of destruction. Once the path is clear, Saul launches his assault.

Then Saul attacked the Amalekites all the way from Havilah to Shur, to the east of Egypt. He took Agag king of the Amalekites alive, and all his people he totally destroyed with the sword. But Saul and the army spared Agag and the best of the sheep and cattle, the fat calves and lambs—everything that was good. These they were unwilling to destroy completely, but everything that was despised and weak they totally destroyed. (1SA 15:7-9 NIV)

So god gives Saul great wealth and eternal rule over Israel to thank him for this tremendous victory. Well, not quite. Instead, god’s pissed off. He tells Samuel that Saul has ignored his instructions because the king and some livestock were allowed to live. Samuel goes to Saul to tell him of god’s displeasure, and the two argue over whether or not the job was done right. Eventually, Samuel makes Saul understand that what’s done is done because god does not change his mind. The chapter ends with Samuel killing Agag himself and god changing his mind about Saul being king.

Samuel is then sent by god on a secret mission to Bethlehem to pick out a new king. There god directs him to anoint David, still only a child. Despite the fact that god has chosen a new king, Saul continues to rule until he’s 72 years old. This is not explained. Perhaps Saul had an iron chariot up his sleeve.

Saul’s punishment for being impatient and not slaughtering livestock indiscriminately is more than simply the loss of a kingdom. Like a child torturing ants, god sends an evil spirit to torment Saul. A harp player must be found immediately. Apparently evil spirits hate harps. Maybe that’s why they have so many of them in heaven. Anyway, one of Saul’s servants knows of an excellent harp player from Bethlehem. His name is David. In a plot twist worthy of Days of Our Lives, the new king comes to serve the old king, who is still king because he doesn’t know that he’s not the king. Whenever the evil spirit comes, David is summoned and his music drives it away. Will Saul defeat the Philistines? Will David break a string? Find out next week on As the Harp Plays…

Anyway, David soon becomes a bit of a folk hero after defeating Goliath in an episode I don’t feel the need to recount.

When the men were returning home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with tambourines and lutes. As they danced, they sang:
“Saul has slain his thousands,
and David his tens of thousands.” (1SA 18:6-7 NIV)

Saul doesn’t care for this in the least. His jealousy of David grows stronger and stronger for the rest of his life. Additionally, there are some passages that hint at a homosexual relationship between David and Saul’s son Jonathan, which would certainly upset Saul. Even after David brings Saul a bride price of 200 Philistine foreskins for his daughter’s hand in marriage, the relationship does not improve.

Saul orders others to kill David, but they will not. He throws a spear at the boy while he’s harping away the evil spirit, but he misses. When Saul orders his servants to bring David to him, asleep in his bed, he discovers an idol in David’s place, launching a perennial classic sitcom maneuver. After chasing David hither and thither around the land, and having his life spared by David on two occasions, Saul goes to see a witch in Endor (not the forest moon). He tells her to contact the ghost of Samuel, who has passed away. Samuel takes the opportunity to tell Saul that god has given the kingdom to David. He also prophesies the death of Saul and his sons the following day. As predicted, Saul throws himself upon his sword while under attack by the Philistines.

Let’s review. God chooses Saul to be the first king of Israel. However, after discovering that he is slightly impatient, somewhat merciful and a bit practical, he changes his mind. So, he anoints another king in secret, sends Saul an evil spirit and brings David into Saul’s house to play the harp, drive away spirits, screw his son and marry his daughter. He then gives Saul plenty of opportunities to kill David and causes him to fail every time. Ultimately, he drives him to suicide when he can no longer take the torment and defeat. Dick.