Lucy Van Pelt: I never get what I really want. I always get a lot of stupid toys or a bicycle or clothes or something like that.

Charlie Brown: What is it you want?

Lucy Van Pelt: Real estate.

Well, Lucy should go to church more often, because real estate is god’s favorite gift to give. He promises land to so many people so many times in the Old Testament that the Bible should have been sponsored by Century 21 (BCE). However, for an omnipotent being, Yahweh has a pretty poor track record in coming through on those promises. The first couple of chapters of the book of Judges highlight some of the difficulties the chosen people had upon arriving in Canaan, which had been promised to them, but was inconveniently occupied by… um… Canaanites.

Judges starts out with a bang when the tribe of Judah massacres 10,000 Canaanites and Perizzites at Bezek. God has given Judah the land, but failed to handle the small matter of evicting the former tenants, so they must be slaughtered. When they encounter the king, Adoni-Bezek, he flees. However, the Israelites manage to chase him down and cut off his thumbs and big toes.

They brought him to Jerusalem, and he died there. The men of Judah attacked Jerusalem also and took it. They put the city to the sword and set it on fire. (JDG 1:7-8)

Hmmm. Adoni-Bezek dies. Do you think it might have happened when they BURNED THE CITY? It’s just a guess.

After Jerusalem, the Israelites attack Hebron, Sheshai, Ahiman and Talmai. The tribes of Judah and Simeon then completely destroy the city of Zephath and Judah captures Gaza, Ashkelon and Ekron, also. The house of Joseph executes the entire city of Bethel, except for the traitor who showed them how to get into the city. He and his family are allowed to escape, because god is merciful.

These are the successes, but some portions of the campaign don’t go as smoothly.

The LORD was with the men of Judah. They took possession of the hill country, but they were unable to drive the people from the plains, because they had iron chariots. As Moses had promised, Hebron was given to Caleb, who drove from it the three sons of Anak. The Benjamites, however, failed to dislodge the Jebusites, who were living in Jerusalem; to this day the Jebusites live there with the Benjamites. (JDG 1:19-21)

The almighty is powerless to overcome iron chariots, so the plains remain in the hands of the Canaanites. Also, despite setting Jerusalem on fire, the Jebusites manage to hang on, so the Benjamites have to endure the hardship of sharing the city.

It gets worse.

Manasseh fails to completely drive out the people of Beth Shan, Taanach, Dor, Ibleam and Megiddo. Ephraim is unable to totally control Gezer. Zebulun cannot capture Kitron or Nahalol. Asher can’t eliminate the Canaanites in Acco, Sidon, Ahlab, Aczib, Helbah, Aphek or Rehob. Naphtali is forced to share space in Beth Shemesh and Beth Anath. The tribe of Dan is confined to the hill country by the Amorites, who also hold on to Mount Heres, Aijalon and Shaalbim despite the best efforts of the tribe of Joseph. God has clearly made promises he can’t keep. Much of the territory that was to belong to the chosen people is being shared with those who worship other gods.

Look on the bright side, though. We are told that the Israelites at least manage to enslave most of the remaining heathens. It’s only a consolation prize, but it’s better than nothing.

Now, let’s think about this for a second. What would a real first-class, grade-A dick do after failing to keep a promise? Oh, I know. He’d blame the people he screwed.

The angel of the LORD went up from Gilgal to Bokim and said, “I brought you up out of Egypt and led you into the land that I swore to give to your forefathers. I said, ‘I will never break my covenant with you, and you shall not make a covenant with the people of this land, but you shall break down their altars.’ Yet you have disobeyed me. Why have you done this? Now therefore I tell you that I will not drive them out before you; they will be thorns in your sides and their gods will be a snare to you.” (JDG 2:1-3)

The people do the only thing they can. They weep and make sacrifices. It doesn’t really matter, though.

They provoked the LORD to anger because they forsook him and served Baal and the Ashtoreths. In his anger against Israel the LORD handed them over to raiders who plundered them. He sold them to their enemies all around, whom they were no longer able to resist. Whenever Israel went out to fight, the hand of the LORD was against them to defeat them, just as he had sworn to them. They were in great distress. (JDG 2:12-15)

OK, first of all, does “Baal and the Ashtoreths” sound like a Motown group to anyone else? No? OK. Anyway, we end our discussion with god beating on his favorite people again after helping them exterminate entire cities. That’s pretty much par for the course in the OT.

Let’s review. God promises Canaan to the Israelites. Rather than just giving it to them, he makes them fight for it, killing tens of thousands of people in the process. He then fails to give them total control of the land. He addresses the broken promise by blaming the Israelites for not being righteous enough, and he turns against them. Oh, and there’s a good bit of slavery just for flavor. Dick.

~I AM~