God is a Dick - Part XIX: The God of Abraham
More than half of the people on Earth today believe that they are the literal or cultural descendants of Abraham. Christians, Jews and Muslims all trace their religious heritage to this single man. With about 3.5 billion current followers, the god of Abraham is the most widely accepted deity in the history of the world, and he’s a dick.
Yahweh first communicates with Abram in the land of Haran, telling him to move and promising to make him into a great nation. Abram packs up and travels with his wife, Sarai, to the land of Canaan. When they arrive, god promises to give the land to their offspring, thereby kicking off millennia of violence and bloodshed in the most sociopolitically unstable region on the planet (more on that later). No one, by the way, consults the Canaanites on this divine real estate deal. After a quick sacrifice to thank god for the land, Abram keeps going toward the Negev desert, and passes into Egypt. He’s a little nervous about entering a foreign land with a hot wife, so he makes up a cover story.
As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, “I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, ‘This is his wife.’ Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.” (GEN 12:11-13 NIV)
Well, as it turns out, Abram was partially right. Pharaoh hears about how beautiful Sarai is, and he has her brought to the palace. Meanwhile, Abram is given sheep, cattle, donkeys, camels and slaves. Despite the fact that Abram has just blatantly lied and then essentially sold his wife, god decides to be angry at Pharaoh. For believing what he was told, Pharaoh and his entire household are struck with disease as a punishment.
So Pharaoh summoned Abram. “What have you done to me?” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? Why did you say, ‘She is my sister,’ so that I took her to be my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!” (GEN 12:18-19 NIV)
This is clearly the action of a wicked man who deserves to be stricken with diseases by a wrathful god. How else would Sarai have been spared this fate? Oh, that’s right. Abram could have told the truth. Maybe that would have been simpler.
With his wife back in his possession, Abram returns to Canaan, and god elaborates on his earlier promise.
The LORD said to Abram after Lot had parted from him, “Lift up your eyes from where you are and look north and south, east and west. All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring forever. I will make your offspring like the dust of the earth, so that if anyone could count the dust, then your offspring could be counted. Go, walk through the length and breadth of the land, for I am giving it to you.” (GEN 13:14-17 NIV)
Now, going in the assumption that god a) exists and b) is omniscient, this is the cruelest single thing he ever did. The war for Canaan has now raged for thousands of years, and it shows no signs of stopping. God has a funny way of “giving” people things. Using the same model, I, the Evangelical Atheist, give to my readers (my chosen people) the land of Canada. It’s almost like Canaan - just one letter different. Now, when you go there, don’t expect it to be empty or friendly or anything. The Canadians will fight you for it, but that’s OK because I gave it to you. Feel free to slaughter as many of them as necessary. Canada is yours. Good luck.
Returning to the story of Abraham, chapter 16 tells us that Sarai has been unable to bear a child. Feeling guilty and/or generous, Sarai tell Abram that he should have sex with Hagar, her Egyptian servant. He doesn’t have to be told twice. He goes to Hagar and impregnates her post-haste. When Hagar realizes that she’s pregnant, things get… uncomfortable. She begins to hate Sarai, and Sarai blames Abram for this. Abram’s solution is to tell Sarai to do whatever she wants to Hagar, so Sarai abuses her maidservant, who’s pregnant with her husband’s child, causing her to flee into the desert. This is not an episode of Springer, but an angel of the lord does find Hagar at a spring. Coincidence? The angel tells Hagar to go back and submit to Sarai. Normally, this would be pretty terrible advice, but the angel sweetens the deal by telling Hagar that her descendants will be too numerous to count. The angel also says that her son, Ishmael, will be a “wild donkey of a man” who will “live in hostility to all his brothers,” but that doesn’t seem to bother Hagar. We’ll return to that branch of the family shortly.
Right about that time, god decides that genital mutilation is a great way for men to show their devotion to him. God gives Abraham two new letters in his name, and Abraham gives god his foreskin. From this point on, since god loves foreskins, every eight day old baby boy will have to be sliced and diced, or he’ll be cut off from god (no pun intended). While a piece of your penis in exchange for salvation seems like a pretty good deal, one would think that a less bloodthirsty omnipotent being would find another method of payment.
There is a temporary break in the action while the focus of the story switches over to Lot and the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. While this passage is fraught with dickery, it doesn’t relate directly to Abraham, so I’ll save that for another Sunday.
Abraham and Sarah (who had the last letter of her name promoted by god) move once again, entering Gerar. There King Abimelech takes Sarah as Pharaoh had. This could be because Abraham told him that she was HIS SISTER AGAIN! Well, having practiced this scenario before, god steps in more quickly, telling Abimelech the truth before anything can happen. Of course, he makes all of the females in Abimelechs house barren anyway, but those are the breaks. Believe Abraham, get punished by god. After the king is kind enough to give Abraham sheep, cattle, slaves, silver and - oh yeah - his wife back, Abraham asks god to remove the punishment. Abimelech wants an explanation, though.
Abraham replied, “I said to myself, ‘There is surely no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.’ Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife. (GEN 20:11-12 NIV)
Creepy.
After this incident, god decides to make Sarah fertile in her old age. She gives birth to Isaac, and demands that Hagar and Ishmael be sent away. God promises to take care of them, so out they go into the desert by themselves. From this point forward, the Bible generally says that Abraham only had one son, so Ishmael is pretty much written out. By the way, if you don’t already know this, Muslims trace their ancestry to Ishmael, while Jews and Christians claim to come from Isaac. In fact, in the Quran, it is Ismail (Ishmael) who helps Ibrahim (Abraham) build the Qabah.
I’ll close with the one of the best known incidents of dickery in the entire Bible. One day, god tells Abraham to go to the mountains and sacrifice Isaac. Ever the loyal servant, he goes.
Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”
“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.
“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”
Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together. (GEN 22:6-8 NIV)
Abraham ties Isaac to the altar and reaches for his knife. An angel appears in the nick of time to stay his hand, and a ram appears in a nearby thicket to serve as a replacement sacrifice. As a result of Abraham’s loyalty, god promises him a bunch of stuff he was already promised. Nice. Years later god and Abraham would often sit around heaven late at night and laugh about this day. God would say “Dude, I GOT you! You were SO TOTALLY gonna do it,” or something to that effect.
Let’s review. Abram sells his wife and lies to Pharaoh, and god punishes Pharaoh for believing him. God “gives” Abram’s descendants a tract of desert that they will have to fight for… um… forever. God has Abram knock up his wife’s servant, and then endorses the abuse and exile of the servant and her son. God requires that all men have pieces of their penises cut off in perpetuity just because he wants to. Abraham lies to ANOTHER king about Sarah, and god once again punishes the gullible. Finally, god orders Abraham to sacrifice his “only” son, and then steps in at the last moment with a divine “psych!” Dick.
~I AM~
November 6th, 2005 at at 2:23 pm
Ah, now I’m having Hebrew School flashbacks. We spent quite a while learning about god’s dickery.
November 6th, 2005 at at 3:10 pm
I hadn’t remembered that Abraham was such a pimp. Sheesh.
November 6th, 2005 at at 3:20 pm
Been reading the Bible, have you? Just don’t pull an Ann Rice on us.
November 6th, 2005 at at 4:21 pm
That Canada thing: Can I have the whole thing or just part? If just part, can I choose the part I want or is that predetermined? Must I move to Canada or is it sufficient to go up there occasionally and kill some people? Do you provide a book of ridiculous stories to support my claim or must I buy my own book? I want to know.
November 6th, 2005 at at 4:42 pm
cubic rooms:
For asking foolish questions, you get only Prince Edward Island. You must dwell upon the land, be fruitful and multiply. The claim is supported by the Harry Potter series and the collected works of Samuel Beckett. If anyone fails to understand, just tell them that I have closed their hearts to the symbolism.
November 6th, 2005 at at 4:58 pm
What the hell are the Canadians gonna fight us with? Ice picks? The vatican’s got a bigger army than they do. Anyway… We had to read that story in English a little while ago, and the book we read it out of totally left out the stuff with the Pharoah and Canaan. Dick.
November 6th, 2005 at at 8:19 pm
I’m pretty sure the Canadians stole the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch from the British. Damn them all to…uh…well, there’s nowhere worse than Canada. Hmm.
November 6th, 2005 at at 9:22 pm
I recently posted about a fruitless conversation with a theist. This particular story came up almost continuously. I said “But how can a God be a good God if he judges a persons characters on loyalty to him and not willingness to kill his own son?” and the theist was like “But God was testing him! Testing!” What a waste of half an hour.
Anywho, jolly good post. I was waiting for you to bring up Abraham. I’ve read through that story at least twice now, and each time it amazed me how people could worship that ass (ok, maybe there were a few good qualities in him, but still).
I look forward to next sunday.
November 6th, 2005 at at 10:10 pm
Hey! Don’t mess with Canada … we’ll sic our hockey goons on you. Everyone knows that Canadian hockey goons are the … um … gooniest.
I remember reading the story of Abraham and Isaac in my Children’s Bible when I was about six. It upset me so badly that I stopped reading. A few months later, I tried to read it again, and got as far as that same story, and had to hide the book under my bed. I think that, as a child myself, I was horrified that it was supposed to be a noble and good thing for this man to fail to protect his own child from a big, powerful being who wanted to hurt him. It doesn’t matter whether God really meant it or not … Isaac would have had to live the rest of his life with the knowledge that if God wanted to hurt him, his own father wouldn’t lift a finger in his defence, but would actually wield the knife.
Plus, the illustration was pretty scary, and I had a *vivid* imagination.
November 6th, 2005 at at 11:09 pm
god is a dick, but he is suppose to be an omniscient dick. So, the deal with Isaac could not possibly be a test. It is clearly torture. god is a sick, evil, perverted dick but the xtians, jews, and muslims do love him so. Dicks. Wonderful series. Thanks for Prince Edward Island.
November 6th, 2005 at at 11:14 pm
Here’s a fun site:
http://www.churchsigngenerator.com/index_1.php
November 7th, 2005 at at 12:19 am
I think I have a clone.
Thanks for brightening my Sunday IAM.
November 7th, 2005 at at 7:11 am
Wouldn’t SaraI –> SaraH be DEMOTING her name a letter?
Sarah must’ve been pretty damn fine.
See, Abraham wasn’t really as much an idiot as it seems. He wasn’t LYING about Sarah being his sister (she WAS afterall), he was just “leaving out” the whole wife part. Twice. And he really doesn’t have to learn from past “mistakes” either now does he? Seeing how God will just back him up with some horrible curse and all.
Oh yeah, wouldn’t Baha’i also trace their roots back to Abraham?
November 7th, 2005 at at 10:11 am
DUB:
“Wouldn’t SaraI –> SaraH be DEMOTING her name a letter?”
If an A is a better grade than a B, then SaraH is better than SaraI.
“Oh yeah, wouldn’t Baha’i also trace their roots back to Abraham?”
Yeah, but they trace their roots back to EVERYONE.
November 7th, 2005 at at 10:56 am
I’m not going into Canada to begin my conquering until I have a complete, “revealed” holy book I can point to that explicitly calls for the destruction of the flappy-heads up there. But it is good to know, at least, that I am one of the chosen ones.
November 7th, 2005 at at 10:58 am
I AM:
Outstanding post, as usual.
Interesting bit about the ‘genital’ mutilation. My understanding is that it’s actually a hygenic safeguard?
Of course, that would only apply if 1 were promiscuous.
Have you done a post on Job, yet? Now THERE’S (yet another) fine example. Pissing match between YHVH & Shaitan. Taking bets on a worshipper, no less!
How anyone can bend knee to a sociopathic, abstract entity is beyond me. I love humanity, but oh, how my species sometimes leaves me lost & wondering.
Tip o’ the hat to you, sir.
November 7th, 2005 at at 11:22 am
Reluctant:
See God is a Dick - Part VIII.
As for the medical reasons for circumcision, I think the jury is still out. I’ve read arguments on both sides. Personally, I think that if a foreskin were disadvantageous, it would have been selected against, but we still have appendices, so who knows?
November 7th, 2005 at at 3:33 pm
It’s only disadvantageous if you live somewhere without a ready source of bathing water– like the desert kingdoms in the middle east in the bronze age. In reality it’s far less filthy than your butt, in terms of likelihood to be infected… good thing the ancient Israelis never figured out how to cut THAT off to please their sky-god.
Personally I’m quite angry about having been mutilated for no reason other than an ancient religious ritual. Every time I think about it, I wonder aloud what century this is.
November 7th, 2005 at at 4:05 pm
If you want to see something on circucision (and who wouldn’t?!), check out Penn & Teller’s show….Bullshit!
Personally I’m against mutilating new borns, but to each his own I guess.
November 7th, 2005 at at 4:06 pm
I meant to say one of the episode’s of Bullshit dealt with circumcision.
November 7th, 2005 at at 5:15 pm
Can we, as part of our now justified massacring of Canada, spare the Canadite virgins and make them wives of our own? I also suggest we spare Tim Horton donutaries, its main source of sustenance there.
November 7th, 2005 at at 5:52 pm
Martha Man:
You may do with the virgins as you wish. However, donuts are another matter. A donut without a hole is an abomination to me. Thou shalt partake of the glazed, the powdered and the like, but thou shalt not suffer a cream-filled to live. Thou shalt put the krullers and jellies to the sword.
November 7th, 2005 at at 7:46 pm
I’m not sure I understand. God is dick, therefore he exists. Wouldn’t that make you more of an agnostic?
I don’t blame the way you feel. There are many reason I could consider God to be a dick also, but there are other reasons I believe otherwise.
November 7th, 2005 at at 8:50 pm
RC:
This was a common sentiment when I started this series. I can say that Professor Moriarty is a dick without implying that he exists. This is the same thing.
November 7th, 2005 at at 10:22 pm
I AM:
Hey, thanks for the link. Nicely done. I recall Stephen King doing a little something on this, in an intro, many yrs. past? I liked yours much better.
Hmmm…as a former WASP (now a WASA), I was also circumcised, & I asked my mom (as a teenager) the reason, she told me hygiene.
Aren’t men more prone to contracting smegma if uncircumcised? (Sorry for the EEWW! response from any, but we’re all adults here, I assume).
UnapologeticAtheist: “In reality it’s far less filthy than your butt, in terms of likelihood to be infected…”
I guess that depends on what use it’s put to? Not trying to be squalid here (& failing miserably, would be my guess). Just asking.
November 8th, 2005 at at 12:05 pm
RA - smegma is just the discharge, which can become infected if you don’t wash it enough. Just like any other part of the body, bathing is important to maintaining cleanliness. Imagine a world without toilet paper or a ready source of water for bathing– which is nastier after two weeks, your butt or your uncut johnson?
In America, we have showers. And baths. And soap. In today’s world, saying “we circumcize for hygeine” is equivalent to saying “we removed your armpit glands and hair follicles at birth, so you wouldn’t get B.O.” It’s nothing more than a relic religious mutilation that MAY have had a purpose at one time in history, but doesn’t anymore. To put it another way, very few people in Europe circumcize– do you hear about the plagues of suffering uncircumcized men over in France and Germany?
November 8th, 2005 at at 2:15 pm
If people are going to use the Silly Babble (excuse me, the Holy Bible) to promulgate values to our children, then we need to rewrite it so that it no longer preaches such oxymorons as righteous genocide. The story of Abraham and Isaac would be first on my list of stories to rewrite. In my version, when Yahweh commands Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, Abraham instead denounces him and calls Yahweh to repent of his wicked suggestion. Yahweh protests that he was only going to test Abraham and that he really wasn’t going to insist that he carry through with it. But again Abraham denounces him for asking him to prove his loyalty through an act of evil. Yahweh feels ashamed of himself and confesses Abraham is the better man and bestows blessings on him because of his refusal to blindly carry out commands from authority figures that are clearly wicked.
November 8th, 2005 at at 2:27 pm
In regards to Aeger’s post above about the believer who thinks that Yahweh is not to be blamed because he was only TESTING Abraham and wouldn’t actually have allowed the sacrifice to occur, you should mention the case of Jepthah’s daughter in the book of Judges. In order to gain Yahweh’s support in battle, Jepthah promises to sacrifice the first creature that comes out of his home when he returns after the battle. The Israelites win. Jepthah goes home. His daughter comes running out. The Bible says Jepthah carries out his promise which is really unambiguous, despite pathetic claims from folks like the Jehovah’s Witnesses that it only meant she sacrificed her sexuality by remaining a virgin rather than actually being killed as a sacrificial offering to Mr. Dick Jehovah.
November 8th, 2005 at at 5:20 pm
um… I’m a follower, and I’m in Canada already. What does that get me?
November 8th, 2005 at at 5:37 pm
tr1c14:
That depends. Do you rent or own? If you rent, your house (or apartment) is now yours. You’re welcome. If you already own your place of residence, you can have Maine. Does that seem fair?
November 8th, 2005 at at 6:59 pm
Fair enough. Now if only everybody else can tell that they’re not supposed to sack and loot my place.
November 8th, 2005 at at 8:58 pm
Unapologetic:
“To put it another way, very few people in Europe circumcize– do you hear about the plagues of suffering uncircumcized men over in France and Germany? ”
No, I hadn’t. But thanks for clarifying for me.
Having been circumcised, didn’t know all that. Good points all.
Thank you.
November 10th, 2005 at at 2:41 pm
Oh, I’m circumcized too. My folks are fundies. It pisses me off every time I think about it– The specifically told me I was mutilated eight days after birth because of a religious instruction in a 2600 year old book. How could I not be angry about that??
I first became aware of the European non-circumcision thing as a young teenager, when reading a book about WW2, in which the Germans “proved” a guy was Jewish by making him drop his drawers and show his circumcized dong. Since none of the Germans normally did it unless they were Jewish, he was busted. Made me look down at my own and really consider the implications for the first time.
Eek.
November 15th, 2005 at at 1:30 pm
God seems to have established a whole different set of rules of morality where nothing is wrong if “God told me to do it”… sort of a righteous immorality… and we wonder why a fundie Christian mother drowns her childern after hearing from God…
October 30th, 2007 at at 9:12 am
sportsbook at newyorknewyork…
acquitting carcinogenic mushy stilt.ably …