Making Stuff Up for Fun and Profit
“Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy… Hey! Wait a second. There’s no god.”
Now what?
Upon realizing that religion is a load of crap, some people are content to live the rest of their lives exactly the same way, except for praying and going to church. They’re glad to know the truth, and that’s that. Others feel the need to act on the information. For example, I blog (therefore ~I AM~). However, years before I had even heard of a blog, much less written one, I had an idea on how to use atheism to my benefit. I thought long and hard about starting a religion.
It is my contention that in order to start a religion, one must be an atheist (L. Ron Hubbard), mad (St. Paul) or both (Jim Jones).* I fit into the first or third category depending upon who you ask. I have all the prerequisites to get started. To be successful at it, though, one needs a few other skills.
Writing good scripture is very helpful. It doesn’t have to be believable, just convincing. Those seem like synonyms, but there is a lot of difference between the two. Just look at the Book of Mormon. I could kick that thing’s ass on BOTH counts.
Charisma comes in handy. I’m not a seven-foot-tall self-help paladin with gigantic, gleaming white teeth, but I’m not a horribly disfigured troll, either, and I have a knack for making people follow me like rats out of Hamelin.
A good understanding of people is essential. You have to know how they think and how to make them feel what you want them to feel. I took two whole psychology classes in college, so there.
I’m qualified, and I could make it work, but why would I want to do it? There’s a lot of money to be made in the god business. If you haven’t noticed, the Pope has really nice furniture. The Dalai Lama travels in style. Sure, with a new religion you may have to go through a Waco compound period, but if you play your cards right, Vatican grandeur awaits you.
Alas, I’ve never believed the old adage “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” Rather, if you can’t beat ‘em, you need a bigger bat. And so, for the good of mankind, I’ll keep up the fight against religion instead of sucking dry a congregation of dupes and dodging income taxes. I’ll leave that to the likes of Joel Osteen and Creflo Dollar. Those guys can’t possibly believe what they’re selling, but maybe a strong balance sheet can look like Heaven under the spotlight in a sold-out arena.
~I AM~
* purely my speculation on all three
October 29th, 2005 at at 2:06 am
There is a part of me who feels sorry for the poor idiots who get duped by these guys … then when I actually meet some of these same idiots, I don’t feel nearly so sorry for them.
I’ve heard that the Church of Reality has received it’s tax exemption status, so don’t completely give up on your idea for your own religion. You are as qualified as most evangelists who are out there
October 29th, 2005 at at 9:25 am
I sometimes wish there was a sort of Church of Atheists. Let me clarify that: Not to be able to pay the tithes etc, but for the social aspects of what churches bring to our society. I know they are places of indoctrination and meme infection, but they appeal to people on the social level too. Move to a new town and you can go to the local 2nd church of the fruitcakes and pretty soon be mixing with other nutjobs just like you.
When as kids we learn that santa is really creepy old Uncle Carl, well we grow up and move into other things that society has for adults.
When we grow up and see god is a lie, American society has not invented something to replace the social aspects of church. I did 7 years in England and hated much of it. BUT. In England they have pubs,fine social network places. The price of beer there being what it is, and being disgusting luke warm emetic crap to drink to boot, you do not even have to get drunk.
It is however a very good social gathering place as anyone who has been there will tell you.
More asses in barstools than pews for sure over there.
So maybe what you need to be creating is a none cyber world socializing place to replace the churches? That beats a self serving bank balance stuffing ego satisfing hall full of religious accolytes any day. You may even make a buck or two out of it.
October 29th, 2005 at at 9:26 am
Jolly good. I actually had my own religion for a while there, but being 10 at the time, I could never get the public to see it my way.
October 29th, 2005 at at 9:58 am
One other thing you need is influential power. Which, given thenumber of regular readers you have, I think is well in your grasp. The Pope has so muchs tuff, because there has been a long line of Popes. each donating money and stuff to the Vatican. Then you need political power. You can get that quick enough.
October 29th, 2005 at at 11:24 am
Ah, I write great scripture, but after a few books I realized that the work I put into the Seth Bible could be better used elsewhere. But now I think I’ll work on a Pastafarianism bible.
October 29th, 2005 at at 8:16 pm
Unlike most people, I’m all for prudent predation, as long as they don’t come to believe their own nonsense…
October 29th, 2005 at at 11:07 pm
I too must go off and write some scripture or get I just saw the shining and it made me all freaked out and made me put random things into the middle of my sentences some sleep.
Goodnight y’all.
October 30th, 2005 at at 8:57 pm
I once started my own religion only to realize that I didn’t want to be around anyone who would believe in me.
November 2nd, 2005 at at 1:49 am
Losing my religion was a great thing for me. Laughing at the Tammy Fayes, even greater… There are many crazy christian churches doing good things. Feeding poor. Clothing poor. Giving money for heat. The Fundies are nuts… but the money they suck in often goes for good things. Probably 9 times out of 10. You can laugh at ‘em…even pity them… but they are helping people who, for whatever reason, can’t help themselves.
I’m not an atheist. Just looking for the best in whatever people can muster. Sucking money out of people, under the guise purchasing God’s favor, and then buying yourself a big fat ____ whatever… really, … whats the word…?…. wallows in the mud. Rather be naive than muddy.
November 7th, 2005 at at 4:42 am
That preachers last name is “DOLLAR”!! LMFAO…
I’ve always suspected that these preachers (especially the higher profile brand) are either atheist or friggin’ nuts. Seriously, they know they’re frauds. How could they believe in a god and then use it to dupe poor saps who believe the same? That makes me think they can’t possibly believe.
Or they really do and their CRAZY.
Sorta like the whole C.S. Lewis “Lord, liar, or lunatic” drivle the xtians pump, hunh?
November 15th, 2005 at at 2:23 pm
I think the logic goes like this… I’m getting rich therefore God must be blessing my ministry… money is God’s stamp of approval on evangelists…