Low Impact Exorcise
Are you bothered by demons, but not that much? Although the evil spirits in your life have not moved in, do they fail to get the message when you yawn and say “Hey, I’ve got a big day tomorrow?” Sure you don’t speak in tongues, but are you kinda cranky? I have the answer.
You are suffering from demonic oppression. This obsession can cause depression. In fact, one of the main side effects is the use of lots of words that rhyme with possession, but are less serious. This problem was first diagnosed by a Canadian Catholic priest who is so proud of the work he’s done that he goes by the pseudonym “Father Mike.”
He tells us that triggers for this condition include occult activities, drugs, alcohol and pornography. These cause people to “get weighed down.” The good Father performed cleansing rituals to release people from the loose grip of evil in the late 70s and early 80s. He provides a dramatic example of one of these procedures.
Father Mike says the scariest thing that happened in those years occurred when a man seeking help was seated in a heavy oak chair with solid wood armrests. Once the prayers started, the chair lifted about six to eight inches off the ground and began to bounce. The team members had to hook their feet over the chair rungs to hold it in place. Father Mike found it terrifying, but the team kept praying. The man in the chair at one point told the team he was tired and wanted to take a break and go home. They knew it was the evil spirit trying to distract them, so they kept going. Five hours later, the man was free and “mercifully” had no memory of what had taken place.
It may look like possession to you, but IT IS NOT. It can’t be, because exorcism requires special permission from the diocesan bishop. “Cleansing rituals,” on the other hand, can be performed without all the Pentecost-red tape.
Father Mike says that a big problem is rampant misdiagnosis.
He says that much ignorance and lack of awareness surrounds the role of the demonic in mental health, and “sometimes people were simply sent off to a psychiatrist,” when they had a spiritual problem.
Tom Cruise could not be reached for comment.
In fact, when Father Mike was serving near a mental hospital, two or three psychiatrists began sending some of their patients for deliverance prayer because of the success of the prayer team.
I want names. These psychiatrists should have their licenses revoked. Also, I think Father Mike should be as close as possible to mental hospitals at all times.
Father Mike once counselled [sic] a woman who hated her husband. He told her she would have to forgive him if she was to be free.
“Oh no, I couldn’t do that,” she said, with a chilling smile. “That is all I have to live on.”
“She got up and left and I have never felt so much in the presence of evil.”
I’ve felt more evil than that TODAY, and it’s only 9am. Is it just me, or does Father Mike need to get out more?
“Evil spirits will not look at a crucifix,” Father Mike says. “It symbolizes defeat.”
+ Feel the burn, heathens.
Reading an article like this in “Canada’s Largest Religious Weekly” make me wonder if there is any hope at all for mankind. You could have told me this was from The Onion, and I’d have believed you. Belief in god is bad enough, but there is widespread belief in demons, ghosts, etc. Are people so bored with their lives that they need to pretend that they’re possessed? Is it just the power of suggestion from a charismatic priest?
I have to go. My chair is starting to buck.
~I AM~
October 28th, 2005 at at 9:28 am
The only way I can see to get “evil spirits” would be to imbibe of American beer.
October 28th, 2005 at at 10:09 am
Is it any wonder so many people believe in this crap, considering the number of television shows on these subjects? I thought it was only me being overly observant, but I have read a half dozen blog posts about the proliferation of these shows. Where are the voices of reason in our media and entertainment? Is reality really that boring to most people?
October 28th, 2005 at at 11:23 am
Pretty damn pathetic if you ask me. Ignorance is so rampant in North America, its embarrasing to be a human sometimes…
October 28th, 2005 at at 1:13 pm
I witnessed this sort of exorcism when I was 11, and a devout believer. There is a lot to be said for the charismatic priests (or in my case, pastors) who obliterate these demons of mass possesion.
Especially when you’re 11 and scared senseless. Yes, I’m ashamed, to some extent of that child. However, I found my way out of it alone, so I guess she wasn’t completely useless. She just needed some exposure to Greek myths to start questioning it all.
This was a hilarious and timely piece. Seems most appropriate given the little demons that will be roaming the streets on Monday!
October 28th, 2005 at at 1:58 pm
It blows my mind the way that Catholicism has and continues to invoke these “magical powers” as if they are real things. They attack psychology at every turn, knowing it undermines their sale of religion to the gullible.
What amuses me most is the way our culture has turned the crucifix into a sort of magical talisman against “evil spirits” (and vampires!). If Jesus had been beheaded by a guillotine, would people in movies now be wearing razorblades on chains arond their neck to hold out in front of them when a monster attacks?
October 28th, 2005 at at 2:49 pm
Tom Cruise could not be reached for comment.
Your mention of Cuise is right on target. Father Mike sounds to me just like something explaining the ‘body thetans’.
October 28th, 2005 at at 6:40 pm
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October 28th, 2005 at at 7:00 pm
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October 28th, 2005 at at 8:47 pm
There is an upside to this: if you are without morals and short on cash you could always start exorcising. Might get $100 or more an hour. Few qualifications needed, who can prove you wrong or incompetent?Only the too stupid to be breeding are your victims. I wonder, maybe you could claim a Darwin Award if the exorcism goes very wrong in a halloween kind of way?
Damn I hate having morals; that’s good money right there.
October 29th, 2005 at at 4:07 pm
I AM:
Interesting read. My understanding was that the C. Church had specific instructions (dating back to 15th? 16th? CE) where anyone suspected of DP had to be carefully examined prior to exorcism, for mental illness. I read up on this back in the days of my baroque meritocracy, so if I’m off on some of this, my pardon.
There’s also a flip side to this. There’s DP, & (from memory) Angelic Obsession, where an angel (or divine spirit, subsitute nouns of choice here) possesses/obsesses a human being (the movie Stigmata being a better example).
& then we have the Vodoun example (Voodoo, is the Hollyweird corruption of the name), where spirits known as Loa possess the celebrants.
Vodoun resembles Catholicism in many ways, Legba = JC, saints become loas, etc. Big differential, is the surrendering of the ‘horses’ (people) to possession.
What people will do to fill the emptiness they feel.
Not an apologist (or proponent) for any of this, BTW. Just sharing.
October 29th, 2005 at at 9:14 pm
Hillarious!! Btw, nice blog! Its so refreshing to see that there are actually people in this world who have a clue!!
October 30th, 2005 at at 10:11 am
Reluctant:
FYI, the word Voodoo isn’t a hollywood invention. It’s based on the Dominican pronunciation. Vodoun (or Vodun) is the east African version.
October 30th, 2005 at at 3:40 pm
I AM:
Stand corrected. Don’t recall where I read that. Was doing research for a novel, came across it.
Just looked it up – yep, you’re %100 right.
November 7th, 2005 at at 5:08 am
Yam:
I sense a change of sorts in style. Just experimenting, evolving a bit, or merely expanding your repertoire?? More satire-ish than your usual…uh…satire-ish. Hmm. Good shit nonetheless.
Atheist Messiah:
You’re a damn fool.
BTW, that’s a compliment.
Reluctant:
I dated some Haitian chicks (sisters actually – neices of Garcelle Beauvais – one was a stripper – but I digress) and I got to hear some crazy shit about Voodoo. It (and Santeria) does indeed resemble (and is based in)Catholicism.
November 7th, 2005 at at 10:16 am
DUB:
“I sense a change of sorts in style. Just experimenting, evolving a bit, or merely expanding your repertoire??”
You can’t blog 3-4 times a week for five months without shaking things up every once in a while.
That article really got to me, so I unloaded.
November 15th, 2005 at at 2:38 pm
For 10 years my wife was “demon possessed” (voices, demons cutting her, pregnant by angels, etc…) and we attended exorcism after exorcism to no avail… fortunaltely, after she borded a bus to “wherever God wanted it would take her”, she called her mom who took her to a psychiatrist… he correctly diagnosed her “chemical imbalance”, prescribed some drugs, saw her for a few more months to continue diagnosis & balancing of medications… she has been quite healthy, active & free from hallucinations since (almost 10 yrs now)… our local Dr. keeps her meds. balanced… she wnt off her meds once & relapsed, but is back on them & fine now… what shall we assume from all this?… that God sometimes uses prescription drugs to cast satan out?… that is the sorry response I sometimes get from “believers”… BTW, my wife is still a firm Christian believer… I am not (was for 40 yrs) & to some extent I have my wife’s trials to thank for allowing me to question the all loving, all powerful God she continues to worship… what does it take?…
January 22nd, 2008 at at 4:53 pm
lutheranbrotherhood debt consolidation…
alerters abstractor recommend!rattling …