God is a Dick - Part XVII: Enoch
This week, I decided to shake things up a bit and turn to the Christian apocrypha. These are books of Jewish and Christian mythology that were excluded from the canon by all or most mainstream sects for no good reason because god said so. I’ve selected the Book of Enoch (a.k.a. 1 Enoch) because of its close ties to the current Christian canon. For those of you unfamiliar with Enoch, I will provide some background information. If you want to get straight to the dickery, skip to the Discussion section below.
Introduction to Enoch
We first learn that Enoch is special in Genesis 5. After a long genealogy in which the reference to each person ends with “and then he died,” Enoch meets a different fate.
Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away. (GEN 5:24 NIV)
The book of Hebrews elaborates on what happened to Enoch.
By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. (HEB 11:5 NIV)
Where was Enoch taken? Well, some believe that god turned him into Metatron (Alan Rickman), possibly the second most powerful being in Heaven. Either way, god took Enoch for some purpose, making his book pretty important. Sure, most scholars don’t think Enoch actually wrote the Book of Enoch, but then again, most don’t believe that Moses wrote the books of Moses, and they made the cut. Besides, the Bible doesn’t just refer to Enoch the person, but also to the Book of Enoch specifically. In fact Jude, who IS in the canon, quotes the Book of Enoch directly.
Enoch, the seventh from Adam, prophesied about these men: “See, the Lord is coming with thousands upon thousands of his holy ones to judge everyone, and to convict all the ungodly of all the ungodly acts they have done in the ungodly way, and of all the harsh words ungodly sinners have spoken against him.” (JUD 1:14-15 NIV)
So that passage is correct and the rest of the book is nonsense? You’d have to ask the members of the Council of Laodicea.
I will only be discussing a few chapters of a very long book. If you have the time and inclination to read the whole thing, the entire text can be found here.
Discussion
Genesis gives us an intriguingly vague passage at the beginning of the account of the flood.
When men began to increase in number on the earth and daughters were born to them, the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose. Then the LORD said, “My Spirit will not contend with man forever, for he is mortal; his days will be a hundred and twenty years.” The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of men and had children by them. (GEN 6:1-4NIV)
The Nephilim were a race of giants, and the word is translated as such in the KJV. The phrase “sons of god” refers to angels. So, in this passage, we are told that angels impregnated human women and those women gave birth to giants. Genesis then goes on to talk about Noah with no further mention of the Nephilim. It explains that the flood was triggered by god’s anger at man’s wickedness. However, Enoch gives us a more complete understanding of why god flooded the earth.
In chapter 6 of the Book of Enoch, 200 angels (Grigori), led by Semjâzâ, descend to Earth in order to choose human wives and have children.
And all the others together with them took unto themselves wives, and each chose for himself one, and they began to go in unto them and to defile themselves with them, and they taught them charms and enchantments, and the cutting of roots, and made them acquainted with plants. And they became pregnant, and they bare great giants, whose height was three thousand ells: Who consumed all the acquisitions of men. And when men could no longer sustain them, the giants turned against them and devoured mankind. (Enoch 7:1-4)
In addition to procreating with the women, the “Watchers,” as they are called, teach them the secrets of medicinal herbs, meteorology, astrology, the making of weapons, etc. Seeing that earth has been filled with killing and <<gasp>> learning, and that god is totally ignoring it all, the archangels decide to confront the big guy.
Thou hast made all things, and power over all things hast Thou: and all things are naked and open in Thy sight, and Thou seest all things, and nothing can hide itself from Thee. Thou seest what Azâzêl hath done, who hath taught all unrighteousness on earth and revealed the eternal secrets which were (preserved) in heaven, which men were striving to learn: And Semjâzâ, to whom Thou hast given authority to bear rule over his associates. And they have gone to the daughters of men upon the earth, and have slept with the women, and have defiled themselves, and revealed to them all kinds of sins. And the women have borne giants, and the whole earth has thereby been filled with blood and unrighteousness. And now, behold, the souls of those who have died are crying and making their suit to the gates of heaven, and their lamentations have ascended: and cannot cease because of the lawless deeds which are wrought on the earth. And Thou knowest all things before they come to pass, and Thou seest these things and Thou dost suffer them, and Thou dost not say to us what we are to do to them in regard to these.’ (Enoch 9:5-11)
God springs into action. Uriel is instructed to tell Noah that the flood is coming. Raphael is to dig a hole in the desert, tie up Azâzêl, throw him in the pit and cover him with jagged rocks, leaving him there until judgment day, at which time he will be cast into the fire. God adds as a footnote that ALL sin should be blamed on Azâzêl. Gabriel is told to set the Nephilim against each other in battle until they have been killed off. God tells Michael to bind Semjâzâ and all the others who impregnated women. Then, after forcing them to watch their beloved sons kill each other, they are to be bound in valleys of the earth until the tribulation, at which point they will be thrown into the fire with Azâzêl. When all that is done, it will be time to drown the entire Earth (save Noah’s ark) and start over. Then god will get what he wants most of all… sycophancy.
?And all the children of men shall become righteous?, and all nations shall offer adoration and shall praise Me, and all shall worship Me. (Enoch 10:21)
The tale goes on to recount the events that occur after the Watchers ask Enoch to argue their case before god, and it includes a lot of fun things like a visit to god’s crystal palace (like Superman) and a trip through the underworld (like Dante). However, for the purposes of this post, we’re finished.
Let’s review. God makes angels. God makes man. The angels think women are hot (as made by god) and they want children (with desires given them by god). They end up generating a race of giants (designed by god) which tears through humanity. The angels teach the humans some secrets of the world (learned from god). God twiddles his divine thumbs until the archangels have had enough. He then torments and eternally imprisons the Watchers, has the giants (who really did nothing wrong if you think about it) slaughter each other, and scours the surface of the Earth with a flood, wiping out almost all of mankind. Dick.
~I AM~
October 23rd, 2005 at at 3:09 pm
I think God would be much cooler if he used his Holy Shotgun more often.
October 23rd, 2005 at at 3:47 pm
Your “God is a Dick” series illustrates clearly that god is a “dick”. The series also illustrates that god is an idiot, an immoral idiot. We expect better, more rational behavior from ordinary humans. I have wondered for thirty seven years how any thinking person can believe that bible crap is actually true. Great series.
October 23rd, 2005 at at 4:18 pm
Ya know, the Puritan settlers in New England believed that the Bible was the source of all truth, and required that all their children be taught to read…so everybody could read the Bible. And somehow they managed to have a fairly healthy society. Either they weren’t sane in the brain, or ignorance really is strength.
October 23rd, 2005 at at 4:49 pm
One of the best ones yet… Keep up the good work!
October 23rd, 2005 at at 4:54 pm
cubic rooms:
It’s funny that you say that. I decided a few days ago that whenever I get bored with God is a Dick or run out of material (not likely), the next series will be God is an Idiot.
October 23rd, 2005 at at 5:09 pm
Run out of material?
Never, my friend, never. You’ve found an inexhaustible fount of material.
October 23rd, 2005 at at 6:02 pm
I agree, this is one of the best in the series. I find it curious that Christianity in its various flavors decided that some books weren’t acceptable for their version of the Book.
I want to say something terribly clever and erudite, but I’m sick and my brain isn’t functioning well. Maybe tomorrow.
October 23rd, 2005 at at 9:15 pm
Oooo, my favorite Apocrypha book gets the star treatment! Cool.
October 23rd, 2005 at at 10:39 pm
Very Nicely Done!
Somewhere in the Epic of Gilgamesh I think, or it might have been in the writings of the Hittites or Mesopotamians, there is a line that predates the Bible and goes, “And man made the gods in his own image”. And therein lies a grain of truth. What would the made-up god of a bunch of power-drunk, control-freak, heretic-stoning shaman dicks be, but a dick? Oh yeah, I left out ignorant, and that explains the stupid, vain, ego-tripping nature of “The Big Superdick”.
Oh, and one more before I leave off? The Great and Mystic Not-to-be-shared Secrets of Heaven are terrestrial herbology? Wow! I’m impressed! That’s some whiz-bang god you got there! Maybe if you ever do run out of material for “God is a Dick” (doubtful), and plumb the depths of “God is an Idiot”, you might run a series called “God is a Lame-O”, or just “God is Lame”.
October 24th, 2005 at at 5:08 am
Don’t forget to mention that Metatron was as tall and wide as the earth, made of fire, and had thirty-six wings and three hundred and sixty-five eyes.
He is second in Heaven only to YHWH.
He’s obviously more important than the other angels - Seraphim only have six wings, and cherubim only four (each do have four faces though…).
Christians have REALLY toned down the absurd imagery in their beliefs.
By the way, God did Lilith pretty shitty too, being that she was the first woman and all…she was just too damned independent.
October 24th, 2005 at at 10:20 am
This is such a cool series. Thanks for brining this book to my attention.
October 24th, 2005 at at 3:54 pm
This, above all else, is Christianity’s worst sin — it cut out all of the interesting stuff in its mythology. Other religions get heroes fighting bizarre monsters, drugged-out theogonies and cosmogonies, and gratuitious man-on-beast action; Christianity gets unending geneology charts. Booooooring.
October 24th, 2005 at at 5:32 pm
“I AM” who THOU ART NOT for the only and beloved GOD YHWH of ISRAEL–
THOU HAST SLANDERED the holy book of the TANAKH by incorporating this ENOCH fallacy into the work. I have declared knowledge of ENOCH and the NEPHILIM secret knowledge obtainabule only by the ELECT on my prophetic GOSPEL BLOG RENEWED. Please visit for more info on these topics.
I AM THE UNIQUE CHRIST — not the FOUL Monkeychrist whose name is a criminal legacy to alll. I challenge YOU atheist and YOU JESUScults to a debate on the MOUNT about these IMPORTANT topics.
ENOCH is yes by my side for ever and ever my beloved toy now castrated and FEMALIZED and redeemed. GELDED ENOCH in the elder tongue. My much loved servant.
THIS BOOK ENOCH is NOT ENOCH but APOCRAPHA condemned and removed. THSIS IS NOT THE TRUE BIBLE. IT is false like JESUS BASPELS and MORMOn TURPAGES of the FAG UTAH.
ONLY TANAKH + KORAN + “jesusdog is dog” hashishan holy === TRUTH in this fallen world.
October 24th, 2005 at at 5:38 pm
Can I get a WTF?
October 24th, 2005 at at 6:39 pm
Is HP playing nuts, medication nuts, straight-jacket nuts or serial-killer nuts? What do you all think?
October 24th, 2005 at at 6:52 pm
Lucky for you, Yam! You finally got a visit from the ever-lovely Hashishan Prophet.
October 24th, 2005 at at 11:40 pm
It’s been here before. At least this one was relatively brief.
October 25th, 2005 at at 12:01 am
Oh, it’s not faking nuts… it’s medication nuts, with the definite potential to go serial killer nuts on all us atheists. I think it’s for the best you’re anonymous, I AM.
October 25th, 2005 at at 1:07 am
Come on guys, HASHISHAN Prophet? As in dope? This guy (most likely a guy) is some high, Dungeons and Dragons player who was never able to cope with the loss of all his other geeks.
I Am, I don’t know whether to thank you or be mad at you for once again giving us so much information to research. I’ll admit I know nothing about the ‘lost books’. Now I’ll have to read about all of them as well.
October 25th, 2005 at at 6:59 am
You know, for some reason when I see “Metatron” I think of “Megatron”. Does this happen to anyone else?
October 25th, 2005 at at 12:57 pm
Ya I feel that way all the time.
Way to Go. Keep it up I AM.
October 26th, 2005 at at 12:22 pm
I’ve also found it odd that the supposed Secrets od the Universe, Which Man Was Not Meant to Know is herbology, astronomy and basic math. Also, that Jesus’s “Miricles” include making wine, killing pigs and throwing dirt in the faces of lepers. And creating the ocasional zombie. Other than the zombie, none of this info is all that miraculous or reliant on Knowlegde of the Ages (you know, geometry). I suppose this all goes back tot he fat that these stories are 6000 years old and peole were even dumber and more gullible back then than they are today. Which just makes me wonder why anyone would ever want to build a time machine to do anything but go forward in search of smarter people.
October 27th, 2005 at at 11:28 pm
Franky:
Yeah, God is playing Starscream, blasting away at heathens with Metatron.
October 27th, 2005 at at 11:44 pm
Then again…maybe God could be Soundwave, with a Ravage Jesus and Buzzsaw Holy Ghost poppin’ outta his chest. Making some miracle Energon cubes. God is much more Decepticon in nature.
I really just aged myself. Trust me, I’m not THAT much of a nerd.
November 5th, 2005 at at 7:09 am
You scan the surface of the bible and assume the rest. The bible is blinded from your eyes.
I won’t throw pearls to pigs, but seek and you shall find.