Don’t Fear the Reaper
I’m not afraid to die. I’m not looking forward to it, but I’m not afraid. There’s nothing to fear, and nothing just isn’t that scary.
I got some bad news this week. Some test results came back, and there is a problem with my heart. I have a condition similar to the one that killed John Ritter suddenly a couple of years ago. My case is mild at the moment, and there is no immediate danger, but there is a chance this will kill me eventually. At the very least, surgery is likely in my future.
I don’t want to die. It’s a big world, and there’s a lot of stuff I haven’t had a chance to do yet. I’ve often thought about how the combination of an 80 year lifespan and a planet 25,000 miles in circumference is unfair. I’m going to need every minute I can get just to see the highlights. Also, the time I have remaining, whether that’s 30, 50 or 100 years, isn’t a long enough time to spend with my wife.
However, while I want to live as long as possible, it’s not because I’m afraid of death. I fear dying in painful or horrible ways, like being hit by a bus or attacked by killer bees, but I don’t fear death. An atheist who fears his own death needs to reexamine his beliefs, because he’s obviously not sure about the afterlife.
As Aaron Kinney pointed out after hurricane Katrina, the attitude of most Christians (and many other flavors of theist) toward death is inconsistent with their stated beliefs. I can understand mourning the death of others, because they will be missed until mourner and decedent are reunited in the afterlife. In this sense, mourning is for oneself, and not actually for the dead. The mourning could be for the dead if the mourner believes the departed has gone to hell, but I would guess that this is rare. In either case, mourning can be satisfactorily explained. However, fear cannot.
If one believes himself to be a “bad Christian,” it makes sense to be afraid to die. If I thought I would burn for eternity, I’d be a tad bit timorous about that, as well. However, since the Christian god is considered by most sects to be benevolent, merciful and forgiving, a person in such a position would simply repent and change his ways, eliminating the need to fear death. A person who believes himself to be “saved” should be looking forward to death. It is, after all, that toward which a devout Christian spends his life working. It’s the big jackpot after a lifetime of pumping spiritual quarters into the slot machine in the sky. When a “saved” Christian prays for his life, he is essentially asking god to delay his gratification. He is asking to put off his reward. This position doesn’t make any sense. Furthermore, when one prays for the life of another Christian that one believes to be saved, that’s just plain mean. “No, Lord. Don’t let Steve enter paradise yet. I want to keep him here because I’m a selfish bastard.”
So the next time you read an article or see a news piece about someone who survived some horrible disaster or supposedly terminal disease, and the survivor thanks god for helping him get through his challenge alive, reflect on the fact that that person is either an idiot or a liar. To thank god for putting you through an awful ordeal and ultimately deciding you are not yet worthy of your reward is foolish at best and dishonest at worst. The survivor in that scenario may just be a masochist, but I find it more likely that deep down inside, in the regions of the psyche that he dare not allow himself to fully explore, he has an unconscious understanding of the finality of death, and superstitions become irrelevant when the chips are down.
~I AM~
October 21st, 2005 at at 10:21 am
I absolutely hate to admit this, but with how immersed I was in the bullshit that is Christianity, there are fleeting moments – very few and far between – where I still go, oh shit, if I’m wrong, I’m fucked. Those moments aren’t enough to stop me from living my life, and I’m not about to “find” god or any other ridiculous thing like that. The reality is just that I spent sixteen years of my life believing fairly strongly, followed by another five years of being unsure – and it’s only since I was about 21 that I’ve been a “devout” atheist. That’s only eight years. I guess it’s not exactly shocking, given my history – but it’s damn frustrating.
The only thing I fear about death is not getting a chance to say goodbye. Since I do believe that death is the end, I want one final chance to say what I need to… to tell my husband, children, sister, etc I love them.
Honestly, if one is a Christian I don’t see why they mourn much at all. If you believe god’s going to reunite you with your loved ones after death, why be sad? It’s not goodbye, it’s just a long separation.
I also don’t understand “prayer lists” at church. If I recall, you grew up Catholic – and I have no idea if Catholic churches do this – but in a Protestant church, you generally have a point in Sunday service where the minister asks for prayer requests… generally these involve sicknesses (though not exclusively). Well, if god has a “plan” for someone, why is anyone praying for interference? Admittedly, some would say they are only seeking “guidance” for the person, or “strength”… but if god wants that person to have either of those things, won’t he just give it to the person??? Why do I need to pray for anyone else at all? And especially, if they are sick, why would I pray for them to get better? I’ve done it, when I believed… and I think maybe that’s because I wasn’t ever sure. Maybe I didn’t know if I’d qualify as a “good” Christian. Maybe I was worried that I’d go to hell, or that the other person would… but I didn’t want people I loved to die. It’s always been a major fear for me. Just the thought of losing my husband can make me cry, if I don’t turn the thought off. That makes sense, now. I’m an atheist, and death is final and goodbye… but why did it scare me so much before?
I think you’ve touched on something huge, I AM, in this post. The selfishness of man and the fear of death that even a benevolent god and beautiful afterlife can’t eliminate.
October 21st, 2005 at at 10:25 am
PS. In reference to this comment: The only thing I fear about death is not getting a chance to say goodbye. Since I do believe that death is the end, I want one final chance to say what I need to… to tell my husband, children, sister, etc I love them.
This is less about wanting it for me (I’ll be dead, why does it matter?), and more about wanting them the chance to hear it all one final time… they have to live without me, after all… and no one should have to do that.
October 21st, 2005 at at 10:43 am
That’s some scary stuff. I hope it all works out. Doctors these days are amazing, but just in case, I’ll say a prayer for you.
October 21st, 2005 at at 11:21 am
Very true, I think it is definitely true that most people, somewhere deep down, know that death is final. That’s why they avoid death at all costs and mourn so deeply for their lost loved ones. Those who don’t fear death endanger themselves as well as those around them because they are more likely to do something ridiculously stupid and dangerous.
I’m sorry to hear about your heart condition I AM, and I’m glad to hear that it’s only mild now. Hopefully it will remain a non-issue, and the future will bring new medical techniques that will make it easily fixable. I’ll be thinking an atheist prayer for you.
October 21st, 2005 at at 11:24 am
I too do not fear death. I posted this claim once (I don’t remember where) and someone replied that things would be different if I had a gun held to my head. I’ve meet one person who has been threatened at gunpoint. He “peed” his pants. Was it because he was afraid to die or was it the reptilian brain kicking in the fight or flight response (dump extra weight, seal all openings, run like hell). (if you wan’t to see the reptilian brain in action, try and corner/trap a ferral cat – they will make amazing leaps, pee, poo, his, bite, scratch, yowl – pretty scary and probably effective against more sane people than I
My body would probably respond the same and No I don’t want the pain of a chunk of lead going through it
Woody Allen said it best, “I don’t mind dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
My biggest regrets about death are that I won’t get to see my kids, their lifes, and what cool things humans come up with.
But I can live with that
Best of luck with your health
October 21st, 2005 at at 11:44 am
I have a fatal condition, myself, which will certainly leave me dead sometime in the next 10-20 years (I am currently 29 years old). Yet, as an atheist, I am afforded the amusing opportunity to listen to Christian after Christian insist on religious-forum panels that I chair at the university how atheists are only certain of their ideas until faced with impending death.
I wish you all the best, man, and many years of happiness to come.
October 21st, 2005 at at 11:46 am
So is it safe to assume that this is the reason you felt shitty the other day? Im sorry to hear that you have this condition.
Surgery is no fun at all. I had an apendectomy 8 years back, and they diagnosed me late and by the time I got into surgery, my appendix had already burst inside me. The doctors told my family that I might not make it. I had my internal organs yanked out of me and soaked in rubbing alcohol to prevent infection from the burst appendix. I was in the hospital for a week and a half and I lost 30 pounds through the whole ordeal. But I do have a cool scar on my stomach.
Now is the time to make sure you have a diet and excercise program. You should definitely work to increase the time and quality of the lifespan you have left. And hopefully they can perform surgery on you and get you all fixed up.
Dont feel too bad about it I AM. I know its scary, but hey! Wouldnt you rather have a heart condition and be an honest atheist than have no heart condition and be a Christian who lies to themselves? I mean, at least as an atheist, you have a JUSTIFICATION for wanting you remain in this life. But a Christian, as you and I have pointed out, has NO excuse for doing so.
October 21st, 2005 at at 1:13 pm
I agree with Aaron, I AM. Do everything you can to prolong your life. Learn everything you can about your diagnosis. See another doctor to be doubly sure. Like Aaron, I assume that exercise will help. It probably could not hurt, even if it does not improve the condition itself. (This is not to imply, btw, that you do not already work out like Richard Simmons or Jane Fonda on crack.)
I have never thought about how unfair it is that we live so short a time when there is so much to see on our planet. It is really unfair if you think about how you could have been born in a probable future two or three centuries from now when personal space exploration is routine. Of course, life is unfair in countless other terrestrial ways for countless numbers of people right now. For instance, a little under 1/3 of the world’s population lives without electricity. They are probably happier than the rest, but that’s another story.
October 21st, 2005 at at 1:22 pm
I AM,
It pains me to hear of your recent news. My heart goes out to you and your family. We take such things for granted all the time.
You should look at other alternatives to your condition other than modern medicine. I have come to see the best use of our medical community is in emergency medicine. With that said, all too often doctors diagnose and then want treat you with the most popular drug or cut out the problem.
Our bodies are amazing things. If given the right fuel it will heal itself of many alignments.
I will not go into all the different discussion we all could have. There are numerous things in our country that are not allowed by our FDA or FTC but other countries use to cure or heal problems.
A very close friend of mine, who fought in Desert Storm, came home with chemical exposure. He soon developed many strange and deadly symptoms. He was treated and cared for by the medical community. He went so far as to go to the Mayo Clinic. None could help or properly diagnose his condition. On a random occurrence, he found some alternative methods or natural methods to try for his illness.
Long story short, he completely healed himself. Nothing magical or cosmic. He took charge and control over his situation and followed some alternative methods to heal his body. The doctors where dumbfounded. I mean no ill will towards doctors. They are just not trained in alternative methods to treat disease and illnesses.
There are bunches of alternative or natural gurus out there. The one he used is a person the FDA and FTC shut down in the 80’s. He had several clinics in CA. The reports from those clinics were astounding. Cancer, AIDS, diabetes, Alzheimer’s all cured through his alternative medicine and treatments.
His name is Dr. Shultz. His website is http://www.herbdoc.com
Again, my heart goes out to you and I wish you well as you enter this new chapter on life. It is very sobering to all of us.
October 21st, 2005 at at 1:24 pm
First off, I’m sorry to hear about your condition, I AM. If you think it will help, I’ll go and cut the head off a christian (grins).
Right now, I’m still working through my fear of death and I’m just recently losing my religion. What I fear most right now is the feeling leaving no legacy or finacial stability for my family. I don’t need to be famous to leave a legacy for my daughter or others, but to leave this world knowing that maybe I’ve made a difference would ease the thought of dying. I’ve spent years not worrying about this because of the whole religious legacy I would leave behind.
FUCK. I’m 37 and I hate staring at my life and mortality. I need to stop surfing the Internet and get outside. Well, I will read this site.
October 21st, 2005 at at 1:37 pm
Thanks for the support, everyone. Rest assured that I am doing everything in my power to mitigate this liability. I am completely transforming my lifestyle, and I will be better than ever. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
On the other hand, maybe I’m wrong about everything, and god is getting all “Old Testament” on my ass, screwing up my circulatory system to punish me for writing this blog. I broke a quarter million page views on the day I received the test results. Coincidence? It’s also possible that Hurricane Wilma will take a dramatic turn and head straight for me. I have to go board up the windows now.
October 21st, 2005 at at 1:39 pm
Aaron – I don’t know what I Am thinks, but that seemed like a silly question. Would you rather have a potentially fatal heart condition, and not believe in a diety, or be completely healthy and believe? are you comparing the worry and fear a person with a heart condition would have with the not worry and fear a deluded person doesn’t have? I don’t get it.
Constantine – Modern medicine is used because scientific testing has shown that it works. Advising people to use medicine that has not been shown to work really isn’t good advice.
October 21st, 2005 at at 1:42 pm
I AM,
Keeping fighting the good fight. Eat every god damn vegetable in existence and work-out like a mad man. Get more sleep and make sure to spend as much time with your wife as possible. Hang in there.
October 21st, 2005 at at 1:44 pm
I AM, that is sad news.
Different disease same outcome for me. But I have been living with it for + 4 years and the initial shock changes to acceptance then knowledge that you now KNOW what other’s do not: your time could be tomorrow.
From personal experience all I can say is treat each day like it is your last. Leave nothing unsaid to those you love (or those you detest) that could cause regret in those final few minutes.
May those final few seconds be as cool as possible.
You being an atheist you can be good without fear of punishment for not being so and therefore can live a truly moral and decent life for the rest of your days.
October 21st, 2005 at at 1:52 pm
Actually, I AM, as much as I love reading this blog, if it starts stressing you out, you might consider reducing the amount of time you spend punishing yourself by reading the Bible and thinking about its silly inventions and appropriations.
October 21st, 2005 at at 2:11 pm
I AM, do everything you can to stay alive and healthy, man! That’s the best thing to do, and just keep living your life the way you want to. One thing I would suggest, though – sign the POLST form, so you’re never in a situation like Terri Schiavo (and more important – your loved ones don’t have to agonize over that decision).
I have a health condition that means I’m very unlikely to survive to 40 years old – I turn 33 in just about two weeks from now. I’m not, and have never been, afraid of death – I just don’t EVER want to be hooked to a machine to stay alive (and that is definitely in my future – dialysis, if I can’t get a kidney transplant when I need it). Either way, I have a shitload of medication I’m stuck with for the rest of my life. *sigh* Oh well…
Anyway, I have my POLST form all signed and laminated and prominently displayed, and I’m seriously considering getting “DNR” tattooed across my chest, just to make the point clear
October 21st, 2005 at at 3:45 pm
Gee whiz sorry Cheeto. I was trying to give him some encouragement wrapped up in a joke about the benefits of living in reality, as well as imply that hes still better off anyway. I hope that statement didnt come off as bad as all that!
October 21st, 2005 at at 4:03 pm
Congrats on reaching a quarter million views, man.
Please stay alive, my days would be ever so boring if I couldn’t spend them reading your site.
Go skydiving. (:biggrin:)
October 21st, 2005 at at 4:04 pm
the one time I try a smily it blows up in my face. Oh well.
October 21st, 2005 at at 4:22 pm
Sorry Aaron – I didn’t catch the humor there – my bad
October 21st, 2005 at at 4:39 pm
Sorry to hear about I Am. Just keep alive for as long as you can.
I like to tell myself I don’t fear death, but I’m definitely… apprehensive. I’m not afraid of dying, but the concept of becoming nothing is so very hard to comprehend… it’s that moment of transition that think about a lot. Will it be slow… that whole go-into-the-light-random-brain-activity, leaving me to fade out? Will I blink simply blink out of existence? If I die in my sleep, will I be aware that I have died, or indeed, that I ever existed? I try to image my nonexistence… it just makes my head hurt.
Intellectually, I know I have nothing to fear from death — that when I am nothing I won’t suffer, that death is just a natural part of life, that nothing is constant but the unhalting change of the universe. And yet… there’s always that little voice in the back of my head, that Schoperhauerean will to live, telling me to just live, live, live…
The thing about death is that it means there are things I’ll never get to know, knowledge I’ll never obtain, experiences I’ll never have. The cruelty of death is knowing I’ll never get to flip over that last rock.
That and separation from loved ones. Not existing is about as separate as you can get.
Ah, hell.
Bibamus, moriendum est.
October 21st, 2005 at at 5:06 pm
Well said, Tanooki Joe. That pretty much sums up how I feel about it all, too…
October 21st, 2005 at at 5:39 pm
I agreed completely with your post, so no comments. I just wanted to wish you well.
I’ve often wondered how I would respond to something like that (e.g., being diagnosed with cancer). It’s sad precisely for the reason you said: there is so much to do and so much to see. I’m not afraid of death, but I don’t look forward to it either.
Anyway, I hope science can find a way to extend your life so you can continue to enjoy the wonder that we are!
Best wishes!
October 21st, 2005 at at 6:51 pm
George Carlin on the prayer list thing:
“I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about
the Divine Plan?
Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn’t in God’s Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn’t it seem a little arrogant? It’s a Divine Plan. What’s the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?
And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It’s all very confusing.”
I love that man. Anyway, I’m with you on this. I don’t fear death but I don’t want to die either, particularly a horrible and/or painful one. Congrats on the hit amount and I hope you do well.
October 21st, 2005 at at 8:06 pm
Carlin rocks. I’d take him over Nietzsche or Paine any ol’ day.
October 21st, 2005 at at 8:55 pm
There is no such thing as death. So you’ve got nothing to fear.
October 21st, 2005 at at 9:29 pm
There is no such thing as death.
What the hell does that mean? Unless you believe in reincarnation, I’d say your dead wrong. No pun intended.
October 21st, 2005 at at 9:39 pm
My interpretation is that death means nothing to a dead person.
October 21st, 2005 at at 9:42 pm
Well, I think death is a pretty vague term. Because it is impossible to comparatively define life, it’s just as difficult to define death. We have only experienced life, and thus our perspectives are limited.
So I don’t worry about death too much. I just hope I manage to do something slightly more important than walking my dog before I die.
October 21st, 2005 at at 9:46 pm
Not to get too philosophical, but you’re right and this makes me think of Taoism. Living is a process of dying just as dying is a process of living. There is a little bit of one in the other, which really means that life and death are the same process – two sides of the same randomly flipped coin. Partially random.
October 21st, 2005 at at 11:03 pm
Franc:
There is no such thing as death.
Whatever you say. There’s also no black, cold or silence, right? I find this kind of juvenile word game aimed at seeming “deep” to be tiresome.
October 22nd, 2005 at at 12:37 am
Just wishing you good luck. And great post, BTW.
October 22nd, 2005 at at 2:45 pm
I AM:
I’m guessing that Franc is talking about the resurrection? Shrug.
Hey, sorry to hear about your health problem. Hope it clears up soon.
“No man is an island: each man’s death diminishes me.” -John Donne (did I get that quote right?).
The end. Something that every human being confronts in their own way.
Like most people, I’ve had my share of moments that were near-fatal. I’ve had 3 guns pointed at me, 2 of them by police (no, I’m not 1 of those utter reprobates 1 sees on Cops: misunderstandings w/the police, once w/a former brother-in-law who couldn’t handle his drink, always packed weapons). Once, in my pre-atheist days (was kinda a lukewarm Xtian), my little Honda Civic got sandwiched between 2 vans. I remember distinctly yelling “I’M FUCKED!” when I saw this huge grill coming at me from the driver’s side window. The punchline? I climbed out of the car, & cut my index finger on the broken glass. Outside of that, I was unharmed. Can’t say the same for the car.
Luckily, kept control of my southmost regions (in every situation). Plenty of time for that when I expire, I reckon.
The end. Personally, I wouldn’t mind going into the great unknown. It’s the sadness I’d leave behind that bothers me most.
Death. It’s a part of life. No getting around that.
November 2nd, 2005 at at 10:36 am
I AM, I am very sory to hear about your condition, and hope that you enjoy whatever time you have left, be it 50 years or 500, to the fullest.
Having said that…I have to confess that I am scared shitless (sorry..) of dying. And not because I secretly belive…..but because I secretly don’t. I always call myself an “agnostic,” since it seems presumptions of me to think that I can, on the basis of very little information on a very little plane in a very little star system, can come to a conclusion about the whole universe….but whenever I think about death, I realize that’s crap: deep down, where true faith lives, I have…nothing. I truly believe that there is nothing more or beyond this life and this body.
And so I am scared. Not because I think I’ll go to Hell…but because I know I’ll cease to exist. I’m not scared of eternal torture – I’m scared of oblivion!!! Now sure, I won’t “exist” so I won’t suffer, but it’s the thought of not existing that I find terrifying! If anything, I can honestly say I think I’d prefer Hell to oblivion. I want to BE, and the thought of a not-so-distant future (60 years or so ain’t much in the grand scheme of things) that doesn’t have ne in it, a future in which the essence of who I am is no more…
Sorry. Scared shitless.
January 19th, 2006 at at 1:44 am
[...] That about does it for the argument from miracles if one is to look at it logically. However, the actual argument as made by theists looks more like this: “My step-niece had Ebola, and she was cured. Praise Jesus.” Allow me to respond to this pedestrian and uninformed version of the argument, also. Back in October, I posted after learning that I had a potentially fatal medical condition. The echocardiogram showed an aortic aneurysm that could suddenly pop and drop me like John Ritter. Not only that, though. It also showed a thickening of the muscle in my left ventricle. This condition (LVH), which I didn’t even talk about, could also be suddenly fatal. Well, after three months in the care of a cardiologist, which included two more EKGs, another echocardiogram and an MRI, I just learned on Tuesday that there isn’t a damn thing wrong with me. None of these other tests showed a problem. The measurements of my heart and aorta were normal. So, is it a miracle? I assure you that I didn’t pray. In fact, for those three months, I’ve been verbally kicking god in the nuts on a regular basis on this blog. Hell, I call him a dick every Sunday. Did he cure me to reward me for this behavior? Obviously. Well, I suppose it could have been a problem with the initial test… Nah. God cured me. Praise Jesus. [...]