Bible Flawed - Pope Still Infallible
The One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church has changed its mind about the Bible. Effective immediately, it’s all true… except for the contradictory bits… oh, and the obviously silly parts.
An article from the London Times (thanks to PZ Myers for the link) contained what may be the greatest understatement ever:
The Catholic bishops of England, Wales and Scotland are warning their five million worshippers, as well as any others drawn to the study of scripture, that they should not expect “total accuracy” from the Bible.
“We should not expect to find in Scripture full scientific accuracy or complete historical precision,” they say in The Gift of Scripture.
Say it ain’t so! You mean my pet bat might still be alive if I hadn’t insisted on feeding it bird seed (LEV 11:19)? You mean god didn’t create the world in two mutually exclusive ways (GEN 1-2)? Fear not! He could have if he’d wanted to. He’s magic, you know.
The document shows how far the Catholic Church has come since the 17th century, when Galileo was condemned as a heretic for flouting a near-universal belief in the divine inspiration of the Bible by advocating the Copernican view of the solar system. Only a century ago, Pope Pius X condemned Modernist Catholic scholars who adapted historical-critical methods of analyzing ancient literature to the Bible.
That’s quite the turnaround. It doesn’t do much for Galileo now, but what’s a few centuries amongst friends? Hey, they can’t be expected to keep up with the world. They’ve been busy… molesting altar boys… and covering it up. That’s very time-consuming.
In a blatant admission of the fact that all of the major changes in Catholic dogma over the last 2,000 years have been marketing decisions aimed at getting more butts in the pews, “They say the Church must offer the gospel in ways ‘appropriate to changing times, intelligible and attractive to our contemporaries’.” They plan to discuss this theme at mass on Sunday. You’ll even be able to understand it, because it’s not in Latin anymore. If you can’t make mass, you can have them over for dinner on Friday to talk about it. Go ahead. Make steaks. It’s OK now.
Of the notorious anti-Jewish curse in Matthew 27:25, “His blood be on us and on our children”, a passage used to justify centuries of anti-Semitism, the bishops say these and other words must never be used again as a pretext to treat Jewish people with contempt.
They further explained that Matthew was only kidding. The Bible doesn’t mention it, but Matthew was a comic genius who was never understood in his own time… like Sam Kinnison. It was all in the delivery. You had to be there.
Also added to the Big Catholic Book of Biblical Fibs was the entire book of Revelation. It tested very poorly with Vatican focus groups, so it’s not true anymore. Apparently, it’s just too damn scary to be real. To highlight that point, I hear that the Church is considering removing it from the canon and making it into a Broadway musical starring Vincent Price. Yes, he’s dead, but that’s OK. The whole resurrection thing WAS real, so they’re negotiating with his agent.
Herr Ratzinger Pope Benedict XVI is hopeful that this new stance on Biblical accuracy will help both sides of the religious struggle in the United States. The unbelievers and moderate Protestants may be tempted to join a faith that isn’t quite so serious and gloomy. Some of the weaker elements of the Calvinist churches will love it. On the other side, it gives the fundamentalists another fun reason to scream about how the Catholic Church isn’t real Christianity. As they say in the marketing game, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.
~I AM~
October 6th, 2005 at at 12:24 am
Great title, yam!
Catholicism is still the most hilariously inept religion ever.
October 6th, 2005 at at 1:54 am
“I think it was ‘Blessed are the cheesemakers’.”
“Aha, what’s so special about the cheesemakers?”
“Well, obviously it’s not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.”
October 6th, 2005 at at 2:05 am
I’m tellin’ you, I’ve been scared shitless of the Catholic Church ever since I read those Jack Chick tracts.
Yam sums it all up in the last paragraph. Protestants swear that Catholics aren’t xians anydamnway. This will just emphasize that.
And it’s the Protestants that run shit in America.
Funny, Catholics weren’t so bad when xians were going ape shit and loosing their damn minds running out to see The Passion. Oh well.
October 6th, 2005 at at 2:17 am
Hey DUB,
This is off topic but I don’t have an email address for you. Do you read Cosmic Variance? Given your interest in racial issues I thought you might find this post interesting.
October 6th, 2005 at at 2:18 am
Oops this post:
http://cosmicvariance.com/2005/10/06/im-not-sure-what-this-means/
October 6th, 2005 at at 2:19 am
Hysterical! Just about had a heart attack. Wow!
The inerrantists are of course going to begin shrieking the ‘no true Scotsman’ fallacy at the top of their lungs.
Especially funny is how they’re still hanging onto the Virgin Birth.
My understanding is that the early Church fathers were unsure as to whether or not to include Jambalaya John (rev.) in the canon, due to the inherent abusibility of that ‘book of riddles’ as Paine so rightly termed it.
October 6th, 2005 at at 3:14 am
LBBP:
“Oh, he said, blessed are the meek!”
Life of Brian is so hysterical.
October 6th, 2005 at at 9:44 am
Ya just gotta love this. Can you imagine having the power to know the mind of the almighty make-believe friend and command millions of people what to believe?
So, if Leviticus xxvi,12, “I will be your God, and you shall be my people.”
is still considered true, doesn’t that still make the Jews still God’s chosen people? Oh, that’s right. The stuff was rewritten years ago. I forgot. I guess the truth is relative.
I picked the wrong day to quit banging my head against a brick wall.
October 6th, 2005 at at 10:00 am
Quite interesting.
I’d call that progress.
They’ve found the screw top case, now it’s time to find the contact lens in that swimming pool.
October 6th, 2005 at at 10:14 am
– Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. That’s right, the new Kingdom of Heaven Discover card, with low low introductory interest rates and free balance transfers from your higher-interest credit cards. Do not declare bankruptcy on us or we will start kidney-snatchin’.
– Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Be sure to invite a lot of people with scary end-times placards painted in blood red to join in the mourning. It may not be comfortable, but if they wear silly jumpsuits, close their eyes, and lift their palms towards heaven, you could get a snapshot in the local paper. And what’s more comforting than that?
– Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. Of course, it may be the earth after China intervenes in a low-grade nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan, resulting in full-fledged confrontation with the United States as undiagnosed schizophrenic Marvin Bush presses all the buttons in his nuclear briefcase. So what I’m trying to say is enjoy your underground bunker full of 55-gallon drums of Sam’s Wholesale Pork n’ Beans.
– Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. With smooth, refreshing Rockstar Energy Drink, now supplemented with caffeine, echinacea, St. John’s Wort, crystal meth, expertimental Human Growth Hormone from a secret Russian laboratory, lamb’s blood, neutralized Ebola virus, and Chemical X. Side effects may include rectal bleeding and instant death.
– Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. I heard it in a Beatles’ song once, so it must be true. But what if I told you that you could double the amount of mercy you obtain without having to give out any more mercy? I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out!
– Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. In a potato chip.
– Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Or, in the alternative, you could just start a compound in rural Idaho, anoint yourself First Child of God, purchase a number of firearms over the internet from Bosnia, and wait for the Lifetime Movie of the Week offers (”Stolen Innocence” and “Who’s Crazy Now?” for potential titles) to start rolling in.
– Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Look, I know I already promised this to the poor in spirit, but look at them! All dejected, down in the mouth, shuffling around. You could take them, easy.
October 6th, 2005 at at 12:02 pm
Norb - HA!
October 6th, 2005 at at 12:30 pm
Good post IAM and good title. This should really stire som sh*t up between the protestants and catholics.
October 6th, 2005 at at 4:38 pm
Well be’n from da south I’m happy as a pup with two peters now that the RCC authorities have come out with the proper NIV translation (Nearly Inspired Version) and declared some of its true and sum of it ain’t….
YEEEE HAWWW!!! Now I can sleep with ma sister….
October 6th, 2005 at at 5:46 pm
Ah, so the only valid parts of the Bible are the ones they agree with. Hmm.
October 6th, 2005 at at 6:08 pm
Now, Constantine, don’t you go makin’ fun of them their Southerners, ’cause they’re just as capable of understandin’ the Good Book as you damn Yankees are. Heck, I myself am originally from the South and I can understand just about anything I darn well please in the Good Book of Revelations. I understand that damn book, ’cause I been ridin’ horses all my life and my daddy always told me, he said, “Son, don’t you ever look a gifted horse in the mouth, especially when it’s flyin’ right towards ya, ’cause it’ll kill ya just as quick as look at ya.” My daddy knew his shit, just like God.
Don’t mess with God, and sure as hell don’t mess with Texas.
October 7th, 2005 at at 8:52 am
Well, the problem is that the Catholic Church clearly doesn’t have the right attitude. You need the right attitude to understand the Bible. Just read the following:
Ah, well. That explains it. Clearly the Catholic Church is far too wise and prudent for God. Or maybe it’s just this new Pope.
Check here for more: http://tinyurl.com/9urwc
October 7th, 2005 at at 8:54 am
… but rather those with a simple, humble, teachable attitude that one might call “childlike.”
As an afterthought, I’ve never been happier to be an atheist than I was when reading this line.
October 7th, 2005 at at 9:23 am
just wanted to let everyone know that Sam Harris has a new article at:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sam-harris/there-is-no-god-and-you-_b_8459.html
October 7th, 2005 at at 2:02 pm
Pitfalls of Literal Interpretation
The London Times has reported an interesting developing regarding the Catholic Church in England. From the story, it’s unclear as to whether this is an official (Vatican endorsed) declaration of the Catholic Church (doubtful) or from only a loc…
October 7th, 2005 at at 4:45 pm
That’s an interesting dichotomy you’ve pointed out. While the Bible claims to be infallible it mentions nothing about the infallability of man or of one man in particular except that of Jesus Christ.
As far as the Catholic Church goes they’ve essentially pulled the rug out from under their feet.
October 7th, 2005 at at 8:44 pm
Those silly Christians, oh, and didja here about the cell phones? I wrote something about it at http://www.kingdomofheathen.blogspot.com
They have WAY to much freetime, I would think molesting all those children would take up most of the day, oh well.
October 8th, 2005 at at 4:25 pm
So does this mean that the Bible will now be in the fiction section at the book store?
October 9th, 2005 at at 2:39 pm
New syllogism that might help to clear this up:
(Tongue firmly in cheek, so I need no help noticing logical flaws.)
Given: Truth is finite, bullshit is infinite.
Bullshit is infinite
God is alleged to be infinite
Therefore (mathematically) God = bullshit
IF the bible is the word of God, AND IF God = bullshit, THEN the bible is the word of bullshit, or the verbal expression of bullshit.
Seems simple enough… and a lot more logical than virgin progeny or about a million other bizarre statements in that book.
October 11th, 2005 at at 10:18 am
So does this mean that the Bible will now be in the fiction section at the book store?
As opposed to the religious section? I’ve never understood this line of reasoning. Should we move the automotive section to the art section because there’s a half naked woman on the cover?
October 13th, 2005 at at 11:42 am
RC - if a book from the Automotive Section suggests that my car’s repair parts were spontaneously created by an invisible being then I’d probably move them to the fiction section, too. The “religion” section is, like most things related to religion, giving a pass to ridiculous ideas simply because some looney claimed God did it, and a bunch of similir loonies believed him. We atheists don’t draw those lines, and so we make fun of alllll ideas that are silly– like virgin births, talking donkeys, stuff like that.
October 13th, 2005 at at 11:43 am
similar*
Good grief.