Take Me Down to the Paradise City
If I believed in heaven, I would kill myself.
Let me clarify that. If I thought that the popular notion of heaven (clouds, harps, streets of gold, eternal happiness) were truly awaiting me after death, I’d be pretty eager to get there. I’ve always wanted wings. It sounds lovely. Well, actually, it sounds a little boring, but if you’re eternally happy, that must not matter. I would love to see my dead friends and relatives again. I wouldn’t miss the living ones too much because I’d know they would show up sooner or later. I might even still be able to see them on Earth. Yep, I’d be ready to go.
Most Christians believe that suicide isn’t allowed (although the Bible is vague on this point), so I might have to wait a while. It this case, I would refuse all medical treatment. I’d probably volunteer to work with infectious patients at a hospital. I don’t think it would take to long to catch something that would kill me if I won’t take antibiotics. Also, I’d move to California. There are more interesting ways to be killed by nature in California than nearly anywhere else I can think of. I’d take up extreme sports, too. I would spend my weekends skydiving, bungee jumping and swimming with sharks.
I would leave it in god’s hands.
If the Bible is to be believed on the subject of heaven, I’d be pretty disappointed when I got there. First of all, I would be a servant.
Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple: and he that sitteth on the throne shall dwell among them. (REV 7:15 KJV)
It’s a nice neighborhood…
In my Father’s house are many mansions: if [it were] not [so], I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. (JOH 14:2 KJV)
…but all the nice houses probably belong to these guys:
And round about the throne [were] four and twenty seats: and upon the seats I saw four and twenty elders sitting, clothed in white raiment; and they had on their heads crowns of gold. (REV 4:4 KJV)
I would soon discover that the people in charge are kinda lame.
Blessed [are] the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (MAT 5:3 KJV)
Then I would find out about the crime problem.
And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force. (MAT 11:12 KJV)
I’d be especially unhappy when the war broke out.
And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels, (REV 12:7 KJV)
There’s even a rumor going around that heaven isn’t actually eternal.
Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away. (MAT 24:35 KJV)
All things considered, I agree with Nietzsche.
If it depended on my choice,
I think it would be great
To have a place in Paradise;
Better yet – outside the gate.
-Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science
~I AM~
September 28th, 2005 at at 3:26 pm
Personally, I’ll keep being a heathen sinner and cross my fingers and hope I end up in hell.
Sex, drugs and rock and roll? Sign me up.
Great post, I AM!
September 28th, 2005 at at 3:54 pm
Like Twain said, Heaven for climate, Hell for Company.
September 28th, 2005 at at 4:26 pm
That was great I AM. Stringing all of those quotes together like that. Fantastic
September 28th, 2005 at at 6:39 pm
Ofcourse if I lived in a big litterbox, I’d want rivers of milk and honey and lots of inexperienced pussy for my heaven. Maybe holyghost writers should have been a little more creative when thinking of heavenly adjectives. Oh, that’s right. The smartest ones were still Forrest Gumps by today’s standards. Toothless, mouthbreathing, barbaric, sexually repressed fools.
September 28th, 2005 at at 8:15 pm
Great post I AM.
September 28th, 2005 at at 11:29 pm
I agree with Nietzsche, too… I’ve never been into that whole gated community thing. It’s sort of creepy…
September 29th, 2005 at at 12:09 am
Beautiful setup I AM. You’re keeping it fresh.
September 29th, 2005 at at 12:25 am
I first learned of Nietzsche in church. My pastor told a story about Nietzsche’s death. I remember hearing that Nietzsche was an atheist who died insane, sick, and poor, with one sweater to his name, which he kept in a chest next to his writing table. I remember feeling so sad for this person. Atheism causes insanity. Poor, poor atheists. I could never let myself be one of those people.
That was high school. In college, I finally read Nietzsche, and devoured him! Like the tightrope walker in Thus Spoke Zarathustra, he helped me see that life, not death, is where it’s at.
Today, I find his writing insightful, but difficult to tolerate at times. He whines a lot, and I want to slap him or take away his allowance.
September 29th, 2005 at at 12:53 am
Nietzsche did whine a lot. He was sometimes vague as well. I’m that way too sometimes. Sometimes you have to forego preciseness for lucidity. But when he was on, he was a force to be reckoned with. I wondered what it was like to completely unrestrain one’s arguments, and then I read Nietzsche.
It is a pity that Nietzsche gets such a bad rap for his mental collapse (and how his philosophy was warped by the Nazis). His work is impressive in any context.
The only work of his I didn’t like was “Ecce Homo”. His autobiography is full of arrogance and pompacity.
September 29th, 2005 at at 5:09 am
Reminds me of a comment I penned over at AK’s site. Heaven is one of those situations where common thought and scripture don’t really match up at all. Actually the whole afterlife is like that.
I always found this interesting:
“Thermodynamics according to Isaiah
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is the Bible, Isaiah 30:26, describing Heaven: Moreover, the light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold as the light of seven days. Thus, Heaven receives from the moon as much radiation as the Earth does from the sun, and in addition seven times seven (forty-nine) times as much as the Earth does from the sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the moon is 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the sun, so we can ignore that. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stephan-Boltzmann fourth power law for radiation, we have (H/E)4 = 50 where E is the absolute temperature of the Earth, 300 K (27 C). This gives H, the absolute temperature of Heaven, as 798 K (525 C)! (For old-fashioned Americans, that’s close to 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit. Your kitchen oven won’t get nearly that hot.)
The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed. However, Revelation 21:8 says: But the fearful and unbelieving… shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone A lake of molten brimstone (or sulfur) means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6 C (above that point, it would be a vapor, not a lake). We have, then, that Heaven, at 525 C, is hotter than Hell, at less than 445 C.
So who says that the Bible has no accurate and useful scientific data?
-suggested by Austin Rosenfeld”
Source
September 29th, 2005 at at 8:46 am
As stated elsewhere, “A text without a context is a pretext.”
franky wrote: “Stringing all of those quotes together like that. Fantastic.”
Yes, when you have a pretext upon which you grab Bible verses that suit your purpose, rather than understanding the context in which they were written.
This is why I have on numerous occasions criticized the atheist understanding of “Christianity.” The atheist does not seek to accurately characterize the Bible, but rather, based on his agenda, he distorts its meaning to suit his purposes.
On this basis, one might be advised, on the basis of a selective, pretextual hermeneutic, suggest:
“Judas went and hung himself.”
“Go therefore and do likewise.”
Such advice, if acted upon, would be heeded foolishly.
September 29th, 2005 at at 9:56 am
Really? So Atheists twist biblical content for their own ends……………
And how is this different from any christian religion?
September 29th, 2005 at at 11:12 am
Joe,
Good point. What we atheist do is no different from what christians do.
I’m sure Ron doesn’t see it that way, however, because he considers himself to be really trying to find out the veracity of god’s word.
But Ron, you do have to admit that the bible is highly subjective depending on who is interpreting it. Just take a look at this post on think christian: http://www.thinkchristian.net/?p=299
where people are trying to see if the bible says god created in a literal seven days vs. seven “periods” based on how you translate some obscure hebrew word. I mean come on.
September 29th, 2005 at at 11:29 am
What a coincidence! Just yesterday I picked up “The Portable Nietzche” translated by Walter Kaufmann.
My idea of heaven is a big park with fountains, shallow pools, and kickass landscaping all in a Roman style. Wine would flow from barrels, and the sun would shine from above. And there would be hundreds of beautiful twenty somethings, participating in a gigantic drunken orgy.
No gates though. I hate being gated in.
September 29th, 2005 at at 1:07 pm
Shocked! Shocked, I am, at the possibility that christians and Atheists twist biblical content for their own end.
Great post. It made me laugh.
I hate gates, too. Unless I need one to keep the livestock from running away.
September 29th, 2005 at at 2:22 pm
When asked, “Don’t you fear going to hell?”
I respond, “At least I’d know people.”
September 29th, 2005 at at 4:35 pm
Ron sez:
“Yes, when you have a pretext upon which you grab Bible verses that suit your purpose, rather than understanding the context in which they were written.”
Most sermons I have listened to to just that.
September 29th, 2005 at at 4:41 pm
Ron, I am having a bit of trouble understanding how the context of Psalm 137:9 can be interpreted so as to make its content not reflective of a monstrous god. When you answer this, I have hundreds of other quizzical verses to ask you about.
September 29th, 2005 at at 6:16 pm
Good one Uberkuh!
September 29th, 2005 at at 7:50 pm
Great Post I Am, I’ve always wondered if heaven was all it was cracked up to be.
Ron: How about Job? I’m actually being seerious, I’m sure you have an answer. How is Job not a poor reflection onto God?
September 29th, 2005 at at 9:23 pm
Aeger says:
How is Job not a poor reflection onto God?
Arrogant bugger had it coming.
September 30th, 2005 at at 11:15 am
Haha, I love that the bible talks about battling dragons in heaven, that’s absolutely fantastic.
September 30th, 2005 at at 1:14 pm
137:9 Happy [shall he be], that taketh and dasheth thy
little ones against the stones.
This is an allusion to Isaiah’s prophecy concerning Cyrus and Darius in Isaiah 13:16:
Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished.
Cyrus is taken as representative of the government he established. He was succeeded by Darius, who in turn was conquered by Alexander, after whom the prophecy was literally fulfilled.
The verse from Psalm 137 shows that these godless ones (taken from atheoi, from which Greek word we get Atheist, would have success in their ambitions.
Godless men kill babies: witness the millions of abortions in our country since Roe v. Wade.
The desire of atheists is accomplished according to their nature: God’s Providence superintends their actions, but, since they delight in death, whereas God does not delight in the death of the wicked, culpability is man’s, not God’s.
Then, the idea of God’s justice comes in to plan: all men by nature are objects of his wrath, unless brought into a state of grace by the imputed righteousness of Christ. Sin (that which is contrary to God’s law in thought, word, and deed) has as its wages death. And wicked atheists, especially when they have power, delight in the death of other men whom they consider their enemies.
Witness the oft-spoken sentiments on atheist blogs that desire all theists be done away with.
September 30th, 2005 at at 2:02 pm
Ron wrote:
“Godless men kill babies: witness the millions of abortions in our country since Roe v. Wade.”
You want to get a rise out of us, don’t you, Ron? I hate ad homs as much as the next person, but, let’s be honest. With a quote like that, you could use a few more brain cells.
I leave the other imbecilic comments you made to be addressed by those who have a little more patience. Suffice to say, though, that presumption of prophesy is presumption of God’s existence.
Oh, and, for the record, all babies are atheists and very few, if any, babies kill babies.
September 30th, 2005 at at 3:49 pm
No one is probably still watching this thread……………..but doesn’t every religion kill babies? Just because someone waits until a baby is 18 to kill it doesn’t make it less dead…………….
The number 1 cause of death is……………
life.
September 30th, 2005 at at 3:51 pm
By what empirical method did you come to the conclusion that all babies are atheists?
However, god-haters MURDER (what I should have said to begin with) babies, and older human beings made in the image of God.
Rather than relying upon science, I obtain that truth from revelation.
On what basis can you consistently deny the theist the axiom of revelation, when even by your own axiom of science being the progenitor of truth and knowledge, you can’t prove ANY babies are atheists?
By the way, biblical Christianity leaves room for God to give the gift of eternal life to babies in the womb: atheists leave them hopeless from conception to death.
What empirical method can prove I need more brain cells?
The real problem is your epistemology is inconsistent, while, that of the theist is consistent (as well as reasonable and rational).
But, if you’d like, send me another one of your fallacious biblical arguments against God and I’ll show where the consistency is again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.
September 30th, 2005 at at 4:18 pm
no shit ron. in that horrid excuse for a book, a million differenct people will come up with a million different conclusions. Come to think of it that has been exactly what happened. Unless you think that there is only 1 form of christianity. The only time everyone agreed on what the bible actually meant was when the catholic church refused to allow anyone to actually read the thing.
If it is the book of god, why didn’t he make himself more clear…………….piss poor job done by a piss poor excuse for an imagined superbeing.
September 30th, 2005 at at 4:33 pm
Ron, learn your ABCs:
An atheist is a person who does not believe in a god.
Babies do not believe in a god.
Consequently, babies are atheists.
September 30th, 2005 at at 4:41 pm
Religion is simply a study of demographics. 99.9% of the time, you believe what you believe because of where you were born. I would contend the largest number of exceptions to this rule come from the Atheist community.
If there were a god, and he wanted his truth to be known, why is he unable to reach everyone? Why does belief rely on your birth place?
September 30th, 2005 at at 5:20 pm
Joe, that is why I am searching for that rarist of all the religious: one who started from nothing then from the evidence concluded there must be a god and religion xyz is THE one.
What a fascinating chat that would be! Given the right evidence, I could be persuaded. At the very least it would help better understand how this curse on humanity got started.
The religious ones on most sites are what I call religious lego blocks: It may be a red brick or a blue brick you can pull that brick out and replace it with anther and it fits just fine and does not matter. Some froth about ‘revelations’ that tell them catholics are evil, others that women must wear tater sacks. Some need to be hated like the jehovas witness nuts others get browny points in their heads for fighting the infidel, satanist whatever. But ALL are 100% certain they are right all have the ‘facts’ but none can do other than use that what is in question to justify their beliefs.
BTW: this is fun too:
http://www.godlessgeeks.com/LINKS/GodProof.htm
September 30th, 2005 at at 8:49 pm
Ron, learn your ABCs:
An atheist is a person who does not believe in a god.
Babies do not believe in a god.
Consequently, babies are atheists.
Oh, I like that, Uberkuh. I need to remember that one.
Ron’s a raving fool. He’s clearly only interested in trying to irritate people, and he doesn’t even make good arguments. I’m not interested in playing with him.
October 5th, 2005 at at 8:45 pm
Ron:
“As stated elsewhere, “A text without a context is a pretext.”
Excuse me if I’m mistaken, but I thought the quote was “Any text taken out of context is a pretext.”
“Judas went and hung himself.”
“Go therefore and do likewise.”
I refer you to Origen, who took the concept of “If thy right hand offendeth thee, cut it off” a little too far, and castrated himself.
Really, your book of fables is so inherently abusable. That and the atrocities it has caused negates whatever message it gives.
The playbook ain’t workin’ right? Toss it, or REVISE it, I say.
October 14th, 2005 at at 5:48 pm
Ron,
You will never be understood. You can talk talk talk until the return of Jesus, and it won’t change anything. I know what you are saying, and I do believe. I know that scripture is turned around…and yes some preachers do it as well. Until someone has that relationship with God or wants to know about God, the Bible will make no sense whatsoever…1 Corinthians 2:14 “But the natural man (unsaved man…read the bible and you will see that is what the natural man it) does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolish to him; nor can he know them because he is spiritually discerened.” Ron, teach those that want to be taught. Don’t waste time on people who don’t want to know or understand the Word….no offense to any person who doesn’t believe. That is your right. Not my way, but it’s not my life.
October 14th, 2005 at at 9:17 pm
J wrote:
“Don’t waste time on people who don’t want to know or understand the Word….no offense to any person who doesn’t believe.”
No offense taken, dumbass.
October 15th, 2005 at at 6:05 pm
Do you really want to know or learn the Bible? No, you don’t. That comment was not made to make you feel the way you did…it is just truth. Would you be “wasting” time on me if I didn’t act like I wanted to know about your religon? Yes, you would. Next time you take something someone wrote, include the rest of it. I clearly stated that it is your right to believe what you believe. You are trying to make me out like I am putting you down, and that is NOT what I was doing.