God is a Dick - Part XII: Amos
Put aside any associations you may have with the name Amos. This Biblical account has nothing to do with cookies, red-haired pianists or the golden age of radio. It is instead the recorded ravings of a shepherd commissioned by god to scare the hell out of people. The book of Amos is a study in tough love.
The first chapter of Amos is similar to much of the Old Testament. God is talking about destroying the “enemies” of Israel. Specifically, in this one chapter (and the first few verses of chapter 2), he says he will burn and/or otherwise destroy Damascus, Gaza, Tyrus, Edom, Ammon and Moab. If you’ve been following this series, there’s nothing remarkable about any of this. God gets a bit carried away, though, and begins to threaten his own people, also. Judah and Israel are next on the hit list.
But I will send a fire upon Judah, and it shall devour the palaces of Jerusalem. Thus saith the LORD; For three transgressions of Israel, and for four, I will not turn away the punishment thereof; because they sold the righteous for silver, and the poor for a pair of shoes; (AMO 2:5-6 KJV)
At the beginning of chapter 3, god explains that the Israelites must be punished because they are his people. Didn’t he just get through saying that everyone else must be punished because they’re NOT his people? Well, you can say one thing about god. He’s an equal opportunity punisher. He’s thorough, too.
Thus saith the LORD; As the shepherd taketh out of the mouth of the lion two legs, or a piece of an ear; so shall the children of Israel be taken out that dwell in Samaria in the corner of a bed, and in Damascus in a couch. (AMO 3:12 KJV)
In chapter 4, god talks about how he can’t understand why Israel has gone astray. This is a long passage, but pay attention to the logic here. Paraphrasing it just isn’t good enough.
And I also have given you cleanness of teeth in all your cities, and want of bread in all your places: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD. And also I have withholden the rain from you, when there were yet three months to the harvest: and I caused it to rain upon one city, and caused it not to rain upon another city: one piece was rained upon, and the piece whereupon it rained not withered. So two or three cities wandered unto one city, to drink water; but they were not satisfied: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD. I have smitten you with blasting and mildew: when your gardens and your vineyards and your fig trees and your olive trees increased, the palmerworm devoured them: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD. I have sent among you the pestilence after the manner of Egypt: your young men have I slain with the sword, and have taken away your horses; and I have made the stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD. (AMO 4:6-10 KJV)
I don’t understand it either, god. How could Israel turn away from such a lovable deity? Clearly, they must be punished… more. Tell us a little more about that. I know you enjoy that part…
Woe unto you that desire the day of the LORD! to what end is it for you? the day of the LORD is darkness, and not light. As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him; or went into the house, and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him. Shall not the day of the LORD be darkness, and not light? even very dark, and no brightness in it? (AMO 5:18-20 KJV)
Well, at least he’s honest about it. I know a lot of evangelical Christians have been eagerly awaiting the “day of the lord,” but I think they should read the book of Amos and reconsider their position.
Toward the end of the book, god starts giving Amos visions. First, Amos is shown a swarm of locusts devouring the crops of Israel. He asks god not to do that, and god agrees. The second vision is of a great fire that devours the oceans. Again, god backs down when Amos asks him not to do it. It’s amazing how malleable god is sometimes. Curious. Could Amos be taking credit for saving the world from a fabricated prophecy of doom? Nah.
The third vision is of god checking a wall with a plumbline. God says he will judge Israel in the same way, and he will overthrow the house of Jeroboam, king of Israel. Well, that’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Amaziah, priest of Bethel, tells Jeroboam about this prophecy and asks Amos to leave Israel and return to preaching in Judah. God doesn’t like it when his prophets are pushed around. His response to Amaziah is harsh.
Therefore thus saith the LORD; Thy wife shall be an harlot in the city, and thy sons and thy daughters shall fall by the sword, and thy land shall be divided by line; and thou shalt die in a polluted land: and Israel shall surely go into captivity forth of his land. (AMO 7:17 KJV)
The threats against Israel resume in the final chapters. God says that there will be dead bodies everywhere, the land will shake, celebrations will turn to mourning, the sun will set at noon and god will refuse to speak to the people. These are all pretty negative consequences except that last one. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
God finishes by reminding people that they can’t get away from him no matter where they go. He will chase them to the mountaintops, to the bottom of the sea, etc. Of course, he says that after he’s done decimating the chosen people and punishing them in a hundred nasty ways, everything will be nice again. Thoughtful.
Let’s review. God seeks to punish the enemies of his people. For the sake of efficiency, he decides to punish his people, also. He can’t comprehend why torturing them hasn’t made them loyal, so he’ll continue to torture them. He informs them that the day of the lord will be black and awful, despite what they may think. When Amos is asked to leave Israel after threatening the king, the man delivering the message is told that his family will be destroyed. The happy ending promised to the few who manage to survive god’s wrath is cold comfort. Dick.
~I AM~
P.S. Carnival of the Godless XXIII is up at The Uncredible Hallq. My Sindicate piece is on there, and Chris is kind enough to plug GOD or NOT.
September 18th, 2005 at at 2:32 pm
Haha, very good post. God really makes Hitler look good.
September 18th, 2005 at at 3:03 pm
The best part about the God is a Dick series, is that we that enjoy reading it, never have to worry about you running out of material. The Bible is just full of examples of God’s dickedness.
September 18th, 2005 at at 3:44 pm
he he he. . . dick.
September 18th, 2005 at at 8:16 pm
And god wonders why the Israelites keep praying to other people’s gods.
September 19th, 2005 at at 7:55 pm
“Therefore thus saith the LORD; Thy wife shall be an harlot in the city, and thy sons and thy daughters shall fall by the sword, and thy land shall be divided by line; and thou shalt die in a polluted land: and Israel shall surely go into captivity forth of his land.”
“Thou shalt be mashed into a pulp, thine eyes gouged out, and thine elbows broken.
Thy kneecaps shalt be splittest, and thy body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off,
And his pen….”
“That’s– that’s, uh– that’s enough music for now, lads.”
God is a Granfalloon. Amos, etc., etc., etc., are the dicks! - and mealy-mouthed lying dicks at that! - but it’s fun to play pretend right along with the poor Christians.
September 19th, 2005 at at 9:07 pm
brilliant
finally! another pythonian, I had been lonely.
September 19th, 2005 at at 9:20 pm
…I sing the Ballad of Brave Sir Robin at lunch every day, to remember that brave, brave hero.
September 19th, 2005 at at 10:35 pm
What, now we have announce ourselves?
September 20th, 2005 at at 12:27 pm
Great, now I want to listen to Tori Amos, eat chocolate chip cookies and watch Monty Python on mute. Thanks guys.
Somehow I missed the book of Amos. We never went over this one in Sunday school or church. Shocking, I’m sure.
September 20th, 2005 at at 3:05 pm
Are you a lumberjack?
September 20th, 2005 at at 3:56 pm
Wow, I think it’s really something that you touched on the same part of scripture as I did the other day - on this day when the Lord has asked to make another atheist turn his or her heart away from deception. Your post raises good points even though it is told in a somwhat blasphemous manner. Trust me, I wants blasphemed the Lord for years in the most vile manner, and the Lord forgave me.
What God wants you to know - wants Israel to know, wants America to know - is that God does not play the standards that deceived men have led us to believe are moral. In God’s universe, there is no morality - only obedience and rebellion. Morality was an invention of the Greeks, who tried to pin their gods down in chains of logic, even though they themselves were the most naughty and rebellious of rascals. God wants us to obey because that is what God wants. By rebelling against God’s word, we are facing eternal damnation - that is all that will get us to obey. Maybe you don’t fear Hell - but that is only because you don’t know how real it is. I am lucky in that the Lord has shown me what Hell is like. Hell is like a sad and lonely place, full of flies and the smell of decay. For people like Hitler and hardened atheists, Hell is a place of utter torment, unbelievable humilation, suffering beyond all contemplation. It is the simultaneous experience of every suffering creature in all the physical universes - and it is worse than that. You will see the people you love tortured and betrayed in the most horrible unbearable ways, even if they were good lordly folk. The Lord wants you to suffer until you beg for forgiveness - but then, God will laugh at you and you will be denied, just as you denied God in your lifetime. You will try to cry, but the hardened blood in your eysockets will keep it from flowing, and you will try sobbing, but your lungs will be filled with the most malodorous stench and offal of the Devil and the demon ranks and all the sinners in all the world, who are condemned to eat each others sickened waste for all eternity!
Do you want this fate? Or do you want the Lord? Here’s my advice - pray to the Lord. Don’t ask God to try to make sense according to your pagan Greek rules of logic and morality - God sees through these fairy tales. Only obey the still small voice of the Lord, or seek the physical form of the Lord, who will return soon and make a glorious arrival — all the unsubmitted folk will scream and cry and rend their hair altogether all at once before they realize it is too late to stop the vengeance of the Lord! Pray to the Lord, to make your passage fair, to save your family — beg your family and friends to turn to the Lord, or you too will suffer the pains and whims of the Lord, whether or not your are a Lordly person yourself. The penalty is great, my friends! Turn to the Lord, or you shall be as those in Israel and Judah when the Lord smote them in their unrighteousness! Pray to the Lord!
September 20th, 2005 at at 5:06 pm
Roger:
God can bite me. Thanks for stopping by.
September 20th, 2005 at at 5:53 pm
Shorter Roger:
God is a tyrant. You can either toe the line or get whacked. Obedience is the only thing that matters to God, although he decided to give us the ability to be disobediant, knowing that we would disobey. The Greeks were naughty. God is a monster beyond all monsters who will torture you with unimaginable pain for all eternity just for shits and giggles and thus is worthy of praise.
Roger, you argue we should agree to anything just to avoid physical pain. Now, I tend to be pretty lenient towards others, but quite frankly, you are a complete coward, without any trace of a moral backbone, and you sicken me. Get bent.
September 20th, 2005 at at 6:03 pm
Wow, this hell you speak of sounds alot like New Orleans. . .
September 20th, 2005 at at 6:08 pm
Oy, Roger, ya think God will forgive me for all the times I made an image out of His Son in my mashed potatoes, and then ate His Holy Mashedness with meat and milk? ‘Cause if blashpheme will send me to Hell, I think that might get me in trouble.
September 20th, 2005 at at 7:10 pm
Thanks, Roger, for reminding us that Christians really are as bat-sheeeit crazy as we thought.
September 20th, 2005 at at 7:16 pm
Though, you have to admit, it’s pretty funny that a person was “brilliant” (ha!) enough to answer a post about what a jerk God is for making insane demands to appease His Almighty Ego with MORE INSANE DEMANDS to appease His Almighty Ego!
Seriously, Roger, would you try to stop KKK members from beating you up by telling them you’re part black? Learn not to make the case of your opponent beforehand when you leap up onto your ‘high horse’ to do battle.
But, thanks for the laugh. I needed that.
September 20th, 2005 at at 10:22 pm
B-B-But…. I thought god loved me! If all he is going to do is get his minion Satan to poke me with a stick for all eternity, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THAT???? I mean, is he saving me to run some hampster wheel when he creates the next Universe?? Your god is an idiot! All HE would have to do is, when I wake up dead, send me right back to my stinkin job. That’s hell enough, and he could get some work out of me.
Forget it Roger, any way you look at it, your god is as ridiculous as you are! Ever eat a roast beef and swiss sandwich? You’re doomed!
Another argument against Intelligent Design: Alkaloid compounds. Nighty-night Hashy!
September 21st, 2005 at at 5:31 am
Whew! It’s good to know that logic and morals are just inventions of the Greeks. All I have to do is obey? Alright, I’ll get right to it. First, I’ve gotta go out and get me some slaves. Then I’ve got to slap up my bitch for talking so damn much. If she gets mad, maybe she can catch some stones while I’m fuckin’ all my concubines. What if some of them are 4 year old little girls? Is pedophilia expressly forbidden in the Bible? Or is it just a pesky make-believe moral? Wouldn’t want to disobey the big guy. Good thing god didn’t have any traffic laws, because it’s only that fake logic stuff that keeps me from driving the wrong way down the highway, and it’s much quicker that way - don’t wanna be late punishing gays and disobedient children to death.
“the most naughty and rebellious of rascals” - that really puts it in perspective. I had no clue they were that bad!!
“Hell is like a sad and lonely place, full of flies and the smell of decay.” - this is different than earthly life how?
“For people like Hitler and hardened atheists,…” Nevermind that we’re directly connected to Hitler (was he really disobeying god?), I just wanna know how to be a “hardened” atheist. Is Viagra involved? Seriously, how is one atheist more serious about disbelief than the next? Is it a social thing? I’ve had a pretty rough life, and I’m a felon, so am I hardened?
“…Hell is a place of utter torment” - OK, so what is Hell to the other people? You know, the ones who aren’t Adolf, or atheists od’d on Cialis.
“You will see the people you love tortured and betrayed in the most horrible unbearable ways, even if they were good lordly folk.” Damn. This is right in lin with Judeo-Christian thinking. So, basically, if I’m a naughty rascal, my family will suffer in hell?! I’mma have to start using the adjective “lordly.”
“You will try to cry, but the hardened blood in your eysockets will keep it from flowing.” That’s just really funny to me.
September 21st, 2005 at at 11:52 am
I am lucky in that the Lord has shown me what Hell is like.
Lucky is not the word I would use for it. I would seriously recommend a psychiatrist and some anti-psychotics, Roger.
I’m not just picking on you. Based on what you wrote, you are a sick person who needs professional help…
September 22nd, 2005 at at 6:49 pm
Seriously. Wow. That Roger guy is completely crazy. Even more crazy than the lady who wrote to the local paper trying to say that Bush was appointed by God and that to question Bush was to question the will of God.
October 5th, 2005 at at 7:22 pm
Roger:
Once more into the breach.
“The Lord wants you to suffer until you beg for forgiveness - but then, God will laugh at you and you will be denied, just as you denied God in your lifetime.”
Somehow, maybe it’s just me, but that seems rather less than empathetic for a god of love.
I feel obliged to remind foam-speckled fanatics like yourself (why do I bother?), that allegory was ALSO an invention of the Greeks, which the Xtians (& to a lesser extent, the Israelis) used to circumvent the false prophecies and glaring errors.
Allegory is a methodology by which 1 extracts deeper spiritual context from an extant manuscript.
It’s also handy to circumvent a great many of the false prophecies in your book of fables.
Take that to your next Bible class w/Rev. Phelps & the rest of the addled saviors, would you please?
October 5th, 2005 at at 7:27 pm
DUB:
“All I have to do is obey?”
Makes me think of that old Ramones song. What was it again? Oh yeah, “I wanna get a lobotomy.” Did I get that right.
““You will see the people you love tortured and betrayed in the most horrible unbearable ways, even if they were good lordly folk.”
Goodness. Can I buy an indulgence for that, please?