I’m sure you’re all familiar with the story of Jericho. The Israelites blew their trumpets and the walls came tumbling down. That’s the only part most people know. However, there is a whole lot more to the story.

Let me start off by setting the stage. Joshua has taken control of the Israelites following god’s murder of Moses (Part III). They have come to the Jordan river, and god commands Joshua to take the people across and seize by force of arms and terrorist tactics the land which the lord has given to them. Now the Israelites have been doing some really unpleasant things in the desert (Part VII), and their arrival has the locals absolutely petrified. When Joshua sends spies into Jericho to case the city, Rahab, the prostitute with whom they stay, tells them…

…all the inhabitants of the land faint because of you. For we have heard how the LORD dried up the water of the Red sea for you, when ye came out of Egypt; and what ye did unto the two kings of the Amorites, that were on the other side Jordan, Sihon and Og, whom ye utterly destroyed. (JOS 2:9-10 KJV)

Let’s jump forward a couple of chapters. After god’s reprise of the Red Sea incident, in which he stops the Jordan River from flowing so that the people can cross, the Israelites are camped outside of Jericho. The situation has become even more tense because all of the local kings have quickly learned about what happened at the river, and they’re more frightened than ever. The city of Jericho is totally sealed behind its walls. No one is allowed to enter or exit the city because of the fear of the rampaging Israelite horde. God, ever the showman, gives Joshua ridiculous instructions. Each day for seven days, Joshua is to lead some priests blowing trumpets (ram horns) around the perimeter of the city with the ark of the covenant in tow.

Try to put yourself in the place of one of the inhabitants of Jericho. You would just piss your pants.

On the seventh day, they circle the city seven times, and then everyone shouts in unison, bringing the walls of the city… you guessed it… tumbling down.

And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. (JOS 6:21 KJV)

Well actually, they spare the prostitute who lied for them and her entire family. Lying prostitutes are A-OK with god as long as they’re useful. Now, I want you to pay very close attention to this next passage.

And they burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein: only the silver, and the gold, and the vessels of brass and of iron, they put into the treasury of the house of the LORD. (JOS 6:24 KJV)

Only? Only the valuable stuff? They make it sound like an afterthought, don’t they? God had his people slaughter a city, loot it and burn it to the ground. Are these people Israelites or Vikings? The way things have been going around here lately, I’m sure there’s a Viking in the audience who will be offended by that, so let me apologize in advance. I’m a big fan of Vikings. Love the helmets.

So, that’s it for the story of Jericho, right? The city’s gone, so what more could there be? Well, there’s one small detail. The holy security system has caught a shoplifter.

When the Israelites send out a small expeditionary force of 3,000 to loot and burn the city of Ai, they are routed. 36 men are killed. Oh, the horror! How can they sustain such losses? My heart bleeds for Israel. Joshua is crushed. He asks the lord why they were even told to cross the river if they were to meet with such a defeat. Joshua is a hell of a strategist, but a bit of a crybaby. God tells him…

Israel hath sinned, and they have also transgressed my covenant which I commanded them: for they have even taken of the accursed thing, and have also stolen, and dissembled also, and they have put it even among their own stuff. (JOS 7:11 KJV)

To catch the thief, the omniscient god gives Joshua a detailed ceremony to use in which he narrows down the investigation tribe by tribe, clan by clan and family by family. Achan is accused and confesses.

When I saw among the spoils a goodly Babylonish garment, and two hundred shekels of silver, and a wedge of gold of fifty shekels weight, then I coveted them, and took them; and, behold, they are hid in the earth in the midst of my tent, and the silver under it. (JOS 7:21 KJV)

For those of you who aren’t up on your shekels, that’s about 5 pounds of silver and 1.25 pounds of gold. Joshua does as god commands.

And Joshua, and all Israel with him, took Achan the son of Zerah, and the silver, and the garment, and the wedge of gold, and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep, and his tent, and all that he had: and they brought them unto the valley of Achor. And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. (JOS 7:24-25 KJV)

Let’s review. God’s temper tantrums have earned him a reputation, so the people of the promised land are terrified of the Israelites. Not yet satisfied with the level of fear, god continues grandstanding and terrorizing the enemy. He commands his people to KILL A CITY. Someone took a little of the lord’s loot, so he caused 36 unrelated people to die in battle. Then, when the thief is uncovered and confesses his crime, he and his entire family are stoned and burned, because god’s thorough like that. Dick.

~I AM~