YHVH Smacks USA
I had always been under the impression that a hurricane was caused by warm water, condensation of water vapor high in the atmosphere and the Coriolis effect. An article I just read at Jerusalem Newswire has shown me the light. Hurricane Katrina is, in fact, the “fist of God.”
Apparently, the big guy is pretty upset about America’s role in pushing Israel to pull out of Gaza, which he gave to the Jewish people, despite being unable to help them hang on to it. Katrina began forming during the early days of the withdrawal, so this must be true. How else could two things happen at or around the same time? There must be a causal relationship. Some of god’s other reactions to the events in the Middle East are somewhat harder to interpret.
For example, I can’t figure out why the Gaza withdrawal would cause god to release The 40 Year Old Virgin and make it a big hit. Interestingly, god also lowered the price of chicken to $1.99 a pound at my local supermarket. I find this to be a mixed message, because I’m American, but I like both chicken and saving money. It almost seems like a reward. However, I did receive a papercut on the day Israeli troops forcibly evicted the last of the Gaza settlers, so I guess it evens out. Maybe the oddest of god’s responses to Gaza was causing Jerry Seinfeld to name his child “Shepherd.” However, god has a long history of supporting shepherds.
Hurricane Katrina is also expected to cause a serious jump in already record-high oil prices. This MUST be the hand of god. He’s been using oil to punish people since it was first discovered. Hmmm… God is driving up oil prices and allowing Israel to lose land. Maybe the Muslims are right, after all.
There is some good news in all this. Since Katrina’s purpose is to punish America for harming the Jewish people, both Jews in Louisiana should be safe from the storm.
~I AM~
August 29th, 2005 at at 1:23 pm
Wow, and there was another suicide bombing in Israel yesterday, wasn’t there? And Ariel Sharon’s son was indicted on corruption charges!
It’s all coming together…
August 29th, 2005 at at 1:24 pm
I hope god’s taste in movies stays the same, because I rather enjoyed 40 Year Old Virgin. Got to say, got a very mixed message from what the bible tells.. though to be honest I can’t say I’m very surprised!
August 29th, 2005 at at 1:36 pm
“For example, I can’t figure out why the Gaza withdrawal would cause god to release The 40 Year Old Virgin and make it a big hit. ”
That made me laugh.
August 29th, 2005 at at 2:00 pm
That is beautiful! Do you mind if I use this concept as a line in one of my rap songs?
August 29th, 2005 at at 2:07 pm
Matt:
Go for it. If it’s a big hit, though, I want 15%.
August 29th, 2005 at at 2:28 pm
“God is driving up oil prices and allowing Israel to lose land. Maybe the Muslims are right, after all.”
But what about the tsunami? Didn’t that hit predominantly Muslim nations? God has me so confused now.
Or maybe god is punishing the U.S. for reeleting Bush.
August 29th, 2005 at at 3:51 pm
‘Or maybe god is punishing the U.S. for reeleting Bush. ‘
I think the Bush is doing a swell job of accomplishing that himself
August 29th, 2005 at at 3:58 pm
Dan: Well said.
August 29th, 2005 at at 5:03 pm
There’s only one Jew left in Louisianne. Me. The other one died recently from psuedo-kosher poisoning.
August 29th, 2005 at at 9:15 pm
Did God play a part in Punky Brewster naming her daughter Poet Sienna Rose (enter last name I can’t remember that ends in a Berg or Stein or Feld)?
Poet? Well, what can we expect from one named Sun Moon, in Frenchlish.
August 30th, 2005 at at 2:05 am
God lowered the price of split chicken breast at the nearby harris teeter to about $1/lb this past week. Yea, I am blessed.
August 30th, 2005 at at 2:55 am
Using that logic GOD must hate everybody. The distribution of “great” disasters seems pretty global. Although China must have really pissed him off.
1201 Earthquake – Egypt and Syria 1.1 million dead
1780 “The Great Hurricane” – Martinique, St. Eustatius and Barbados 22,000 dead
1931 Flooding – China, 3 million dead
1938/1939 Flooding – China, 1 milliaon dead
1959 Flooding – China, 2 million dead
1970 Flooding – Bangladesh 300,000 dead
1970 Earthquake – Peru 20,000 dead
1985 Volcano Eruption – Colombia 23,000 dead
1990 Landslide – Iran 50,000 dead
1998 Hurricane Mitch – Nicaragua and Honduras 10,000 dead
1988 6.9 Earthquake – Armenia 100,000 dead
2003 6.3 Earthquake – Iran 50,000 dead
2004 Earthquake & Tsunami 200,000 dead
August 30th, 2005 at at 10:10 am
My goodness, god is such a dick. . .
August 30th, 2005 at at 11:43 am
Great post, next time some people get a gay marriage I’m gonna equate it with the best news I can find for the day
August 30th, 2005 at at 12:26 pm
I officially have Stan Goodenough. His mindset is totally fucking evil. Good post I AM. But ARRRRGGGGHHHH just reading Stans editorial makes me so mad at the ignorance and the corruption of thought that these superstitions bring. Fuck!
Im looking for Stans email address but I cant seem to find it. If anyone knows how to get it, lemme know please?
August 30th, 2005 at at 12:30 pm
I went in there to try to post on the forums and discuss the article, but they have a message that says their forums have been HACKED!!
Maybe God does exist and hacked their forums?????? :O
August 30th, 2005 at at 12:32 pm
Just found the email address:
stan_imb@netvision.net.il
Send him an email letting him know what a superstitious retard he is.
August 30th, 2005 at at 1:01 pm
Or we could just sign him up for porn…
August 30th, 2005 at at 2:04 pm
I can’t wait until someone starts to link global warming to God’s will. Carbon emissions? Biosphere depletion? Nonsense! It’s all just God’s plan to start a new flood to punish the wicked! This class V hurricane (which has arguably been intensified by rising ocean temperatures) has flooded New Orleans, for instance… a notably sinful city! Who will suffer from rising ocean levels? So called “Blue” States and the wicked Non-Christians of Indonesia, Bangledesh, India, Malaysia, etc… (and the Netherlands actually… probably because of their liberal social policies).
In fact, Roy “Exxon Shill” Spencer of JunkScience and TechCentralStation fame, the leading global warming denying “scientist” (in quotes because his only peer-reviewed paper disputing the climate consensus was recently demolished in Nature) has also recently published an article supporting Intelligent Design.
Amazing how it all comes together.
August 30th, 2005 at at 4:24 pm
This is the same bullshit we got from Robertson after 9-11. I Really… really wish people would stop shifting the blame of the good and the bad to god. I mean, really, you would think that theists would focus on the good that “god caused”, but then I guess atheists would just point out the bad he has allowed. Now, they’re saying god not only allowed, but encouraged horrible things to happen.
I wish they’d figure out which god they were worshiping, the god of the old testiment or new testiment
August 30th, 2005 at at 6:59 pm
‘I wish they’d figure out which god they were worshiping, the god of the old testiment or new testiment ‘
Ah, they’ve cleverer than they let on. By not deciding which it is they believe in they must feel it makes it harder for us to pick a god to attack!
Little do they know we’ve got both fields covered
August 30th, 2005 at at 11:29 pm
I nominate Aaron as “Most Excitable Commenter.”
Aaron, I love you. Not in an abomination kind of way…
August 31st, 2005 at at 9:34 am
I second that nomination.
September 5th, 2005 at at 8:12 am
Well, alright then.
http://tinyurl.com/e2wbv
September 7th, 2005 at at 11:21 pm
Hey I AM, I posted that rap I told you I would base around your post. It’s not exactly danceable, but it conveys the message. It’s available at http://www.hiphopbullshit.com. Click on the title to hear the MP3 or there is a podcast and RSS feed available also.
All the best.