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YHVH Smacks USA

I had always been under the impression that a hurricane was caused by warm water, condensation of water vapor high in the atmosphere and the Coriolis effect. An article I just read at Jerusalem Newswire has shown me the light. Hurricane Katrina is, in fact, the “fist of God.”

Apparently, the big guy is pretty upset about America’s role in pushing Israel to pull out of Gaza, which he gave to the Jewish people, despite being unable to help them hang on to it. Katrina began forming during the early days of the withdrawal, so this must be true. How else could two things happen at or around the same time? There must be a causal relationship. Some of god’s other reactions to the events in the Middle East are somewhat harder to interpret.

For example, I can’t figure out why the Gaza withdrawal would cause god to release The 40 Year Old Virgin and make it a big hit. Interestingly, god also lowered the price of chicken to $1.99 a pound at my local supermarket. I find this to be a mixed message, because I’m American, but I like both chicken and saving money. It almost seems like a reward. However, I did receive a papercut on the day Israeli troops forcibly evicted the last of the Gaza settlers, so I guess it evens out. Maybe the oddest of god’s responses to Gaza was causing Jerry Seinfeld to name his child “Shepherd.” However, god has a long history of supporting shepherds.

Hurricane Katrina is also expected to cause a serious jump in already record-high oil prices. This MUST be the hand of god. He’s been using oil to punish people since it was first discovered. Hmmm… God is driving up oil prices and allowing Israel to lose land. Maybe the Muslims are right, after all.

There is some good news in all this. Since Katrina’s purpose is to punish America for harming the Jewish people, both Jews in Louisiana should be safe from the storm.

~I AM~

25 Responses to “YHVH Smacks USA”

  1. Seth Says:

    Wow, and there was another suicide bombing in Israel yesterday, wasn’t there? And Ariel Sharon’s son was indicted on corruption charges!

    It’s all coming together…

  2. Dan Says:

    I hope god’s taste in movies stays the same, because I rather enjoyed 40 Year Old Virgin. Got to say, got a very mixed message from what the bible tells.. though to be honest I can’t say I’m very surprised!

  3. The Retropolitan Says:

    “For example, I can’t figure out why the Gaza withdrawal would cause god to release The 40 Year Old Virgin and make it a big hit. ”

    That made me laugh.

  4. Matt Says:

    That is beautiful! Do you mind if I use this concept as a line in one of my rap songs?

  5. I Am Says:

    Matt:
    Go for it. If it’s a big hit, though, I want 15%. :)

  6. Alpha Male (formerly Spork Boy) Says:

    “God is driving up oil prices and allowing Israel to lose land. Maybe the Muslims are right, after all.”

    But what about the tsunami? Didn’t that hit predominantly Muslim nations? God has me so confused now.

    Or maybe god is punishing the U.S. for reeleting Bush.

  7. Dan Says:

    ‘Or maybe god is punishing the U.S. for reeleting Bush. ‘

    I think the Bush is doing a swell job of accomplishing that himself :D

  8. Alpha Male Says:

    Dan: Well said.

  9. Last Jew in Louisianne Says:

    There’s only one Jew left in Louisianne. Me. The other one died recently from psuedo-kosher poisoning.

  10. addict_no_more Says:

    Did God play a part in Punky Brewster naming her daughter Poet Sienna Rose (enter last name I can’t remember that ends in a Berg or Stein or Feld)?

    Poet? Well, what can we expect from one named Sun Moon, in Frenchlish.

  11. steve Says:

    God lowered the price of split chicken breast at the nearby harris teeter to about $1/lb this past week. Yea, I am blessed.

  12. LBBP Says:

    Using that logic GOD must hate everybody. The distribution of “great” disasters seems pretty global. Although China must have really pissed him off.

    1201 Earthquake – Egypt and Syria 1.1 million dead
    1780 “The Great Hurricane” – Martinique, St. Eustatius and Barbados 22,000 dead
    1931 Flooding – China, 3 million dead
    1938/1939 Flooding – China, 1 milliaon dead
    1959 Flooding – China, 2 million dead
    1970 Flooding – Bangladesh 300,000 dead
    1970 Earthquake – Peru 20,000 dead
    1985 Volcano Eruption – Colombia 23,000 dead
    1990 Landslide – Iran 50,000 dead
    1998 Hurricane Mitch – Nicaragua and Honduras 10,000 dead
    1988 6.9 Earthquake – Armenia 100,000 dead
    2003 6.3 Earthquake – Iran 50,000 dead
    2004 Earthquake & Tsunami 200,000 dead

  13. Aeger Says:

    My goodness, god is such a dick. . .

  14. Delta Says:

    Great post, next time some people get a gay marriage I’m gonna equate it with the best news I can find for the day :)

  15. Aaron Kinney Says:

    I officially have Stan Goodenough. His mindset is totally fucking evil. Good post I AM. But ARRRRGGGGHHHH just reading Stans editorial makes me so mad at the ignorance and the corruption of thought that these superstitions bring. Fuck!

    Im looking for Stans email address but I cant seem to find it. If anyone knows how to get it, lemme know please?

  16. Aaron Kinney Says:

    I went in there to try to post on the forums and discuss the article, but they have a message that says their forums have been HACKED!!

    Maybe God does exist and hacked their forums?????? :O

  17. Aaron Kinney Says:

    Just found the email address:

    Send him an email letting him know what a superstitious retard he is.

  18. addict_no_more Says:

    Or we could just sign him up for porn…

  19. Genghis Dirt Says:

    I can’t wait until someone starts to link global warming to God’s will. Carbon emissions? Biosphere depletion? Nonsense! It’s all just God’s plan to start a new flood to punish the wicked! This class V hurricane (which has arguably been intensified by rising ocean temperatures) has flooded New Orleans, for instance… a notably sinful city! Who will suffer from rising ocean levels? So called “Blue” States and the wicked Non-Christians of Indonesia, Bangledesh, India, Malaysia, etc… (and the Netherlands actually… probably because of their liberal social policies).

    In fact, Roy “Exxon Shill” Spencer of JunkScience and TechCentralStation fame, the leading global warming denying “scientist” (in quotes because his only peer-reviewed paper disputing the climate consensus was recently demolished in Nature) has also recently published an article supporting Intelligent Design.

    Amazing how it all comes together.

  20. C_Ray_86 Says:

    This is the same bullshit we got from Robertson after 9-11. I Really… really wish people would stop shifting the blame of the good and the bad to god. I mean, really, you would think that theists would focus on the good that “god caused”, but then I guess atheists would just point out the bad he has allowed. Now, they’re saying god not only allowed, but encouraged horrible things to happen.

    I wish they’d figure out which god they were worshiping, the god of the old testiment or new testiment

  21. Dan Says:

    ‘I wish they’d figure out which god they were worshiping, the god of the old testiment or new testiment ‘

    Ah, they’ve cleverer than they let on. By not deciding which it is they believe in they must feel it makes it harder for us to pick a god to attack!

    Little do they know we’ve got both fields covered :D

  22. I Am Says:

    I nominate Aaron as “Most Excitable Commenter.”

    Aaron, I love you. Not in an abomination kind of way… :)

  23. addict_no_more Says:

    I second that nomination.

  24. I Am Says:

    Well, alright then.

  25. Matt Says:

    Hey I AM, I posted that rap I told you I would base around your post. It’s not exactly danceable, but it conveys the message. It’s available at http://www.hiphopbullshit.com. Click on the title to hear the MP3 or there is a podcast and RSS feed available also.
    All the best.