God is a Dick – Part IX: Crucifixion
God had a son, watched over him for several decades of his life, used him to achieve his goals on Earth and then had him tortured, nailed to a cross and hung in the desert to die. God is love.
I have yet to find a satisfactory explanation as to why an omnipotent god would need Jesus. If he wanted to forgive sins, he could just do it. If he wanted people to believe in him, he could just make them. If he wanted someone to preach, there was no shortage of human prophets that he could have used like marionettes. A son was simply not required.
Impregnating a virgin was just showing off. The miracles were fun, but they weren’t anything god couldn’t have done directly. Allowing his son to experience a horrific death was nothing but cruelty, and the resurrection doesn’t make up for it.
The story of the crucifixion begins in the garden of Gethsemane. In three of the four (recognized) gospels, Jesus prays to be let off the hook. If you’re a trinitarian, this is evidence that Jesus has gone mad, because he is not only talking to himself, but pleading with himself for mercy.
Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me. And he went a little farther, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt. (MAT 26:38-39 KJV)
Shortly thereafter, Jesus is betrayed by Judas and taken forcibly to Caiaphas. His prayers have not been answered, and the events leading to his death have been set in motion. Caiaphas sends him to Pilate, who tries really hard to find a way to let him go. When presented with the option of having Jesus set free, the people of Jerusalem tell Pilate to crucify him. So much for popular support.
Jesus is fitted with a crown of thorns, scourged, beaten with reeds, spat upon and dressed in a royal robe to be mocked by the soldiers. Then, either he or Simon of Cyrene (3-1 for Simon) carries his cross to either Golgotha or Calvary (3-1 for Golgotha), where he is to be crucified under a sign that says “THIS IS JESUS THE KING OF THE JEWS” or “THE KING OF THE JEWS” or “THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS” or “JESUS OF NAZARETH THE KING OF THE JEWS.” One can only imagine that the Romans had very sloppy handwriting, so it was hard to read. Jesus is then mocked by one of the thieves crucified nearby or a random passer-by or a soldier or the chief priests and told by whomever it may have been to come down off the cross in order to prove his divinity.
From “the sixth hour,” there is darkness over the land, which lasts until “the ninth hour,” at which point Jesus says “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” or “Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit” or “I thirst.” Those probably sound very similar in Aramaic. In the parallel universe in which he thirsts, he is given a sponge soaked in vinegar. In the others, that had already happened a long time before. Upon receiving the vinegar, Jesus says “It is finished,” and dies. Alternatively, he may have just cried out in pain before dying. Either way, there may or may not have been an earthquake and some graves may or may not have opened, allowing the spirits within to stroll into Jerusalem. Before removing his lifeless body from the cross, a Roman soldier may or may not have pierced his side with a spear for good measure. That spear may or may not have become magical, and, if it ever existed at all, it might be in the Vatican or in a museum in Austria right now.
I’m sorry if the last couple of paragraphs were difficult to read. The most important part of the Bible (to Christians) is the only part with four contradictory versions, and I didn’t want to leave anything out. I also find it interesting that despite the fact that god supposedly wrote the Bible, the story of his son’s life and death is not important enough for him to get the details straight. Whichever version you read, the suffering and pain of Jesus (if it happened at all) must have been unspeakably horrible. There are worse ways to die than crucifixion, but not many. You can say that since Jesus was divine (or semi-divine), he didn’t feel the pain, but this contradicts the entire doctrine of Jesus suffering for our sins. If he didn’t really suffer, the whole thing was nothing but theatre, and god is a liar. If he did suffer, god is responsible, and he is cruel. If this is how god treats “family,” do you really want to be a “servant?”
Let’s review. An all-powerful god decides that he needs to knock up some poor, unsuspecting Jewish girl and have a son for some unknown reason. That son devotes his life to spreading the word about god and doing his bidding in every possible way. When he prays to his father for mercy, he is ignored, arrested, beaten, tortured and killed in one of the worst ways imaginable, all for the supposed good of some inferior beings who aren’t even related. Dick.
~I AM~
August 28th, 2005 at at 1:15 am
Bravo, I Am! This is tops. I was laughing out loud at the “may or may not have” parts.
August 28th, 2005 at at 1:18 am
By the way, are you planning on doing any of this series on non-christian religions? Surely there is enough love to go around.
August 28th, 2005 at at 1:32 am
Remarkable series! Each new “part” is the best “part” yet. This one is no exception.
August 28th, 2005 at at 2:24 am
Joe:
You must have missed Part V. I am planning to address other religions, also.
August 28th, 2005 at at 2:26 am
This has to be the most hilarious Dick entry yet. If you have any sources of info besides the Bible itself for these entries, I’d like to know. I’m currently reading Thomas Paine’s “The Age of Reason” and he did a good job of pointing out all the inconsistencies in the Bible (mind you, he was a Deist and still believed in a Creator but thought the Bible was rubbish). I’m still reading his Old Testament critiques in “The Age of Reason” and haven’t reached his New Testament critiques yet.
August 28th, 2005 at at 3:37 am
Ah, but we forget..all of those things did happen…they just weren’t um, help me here…see, what had happened was…ah, it’s right on the tip of my tongue…Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, see…well, they all had to uh, present different aspects, see. That way, the WHOLE story could be told by the GROUP.
That’s it! See, it all PROVES the Bibles’s right, ’cause if it wasn’t, the four gospels wouldn’t be all together like that to tell the whole story. Wow God is awesome.
August 28th, 2005 at at 5:10 am
I believe this is my favorite one of the God is a Dick series. I’ve always been amazed about how the central idea of christianity (jesus suffering so that god will then tell himself to forgive humans of their ’sins’) makes absolutely no sense and it really seems like no one even pays attention to it. I mean, having some weird beliefs hidden in your religious doctrine is bad enough, but the main idea being absolute nonsense!
August 28th, 2005 at at 8:55 am
Sobex:
The Bible is the only source I use. I tried to use The Skeptic’s Annotated Bible a couple of times, but it wasn’t very helpful. The analysis there deals with a single verse at a time. You have to look at a chapter on the whole to really find dickery. It’s still a great site, though.
August 28th, 2005 at at 2:17 pm
I agree, this is a fantastic entry of “dickery” (cute). I spent most of my childhood a rather devout Christian, and somehow never noticed the inconsistencies. I guess when you’re not reading all the gospels back to back that happens. Also, I was probably ten when I read them, so that might not have helped much.
The verses they choose to read in church really avoid all of the stuff you’ve pointed out in this series… Job is the only exception to this, and of course, the lesson there is to have “faith” and to “trust that God has His reasons”.
Yeah, right. If I’m wrong and he exists, his reason is that he’s an asshole.
August 28th, 2005 at at 2:38 pm
I love smart sarcasm. Did your parents ever call you a smartass?
You read the Bible to write this and other posts. How often do you read it? How does it affect you emotionally?
August 28th, 2005 at at 2:41 pm
Indeed I did miss part V, I Am. I also think the SAB is a fantastic resource. It really let’s you know where a potential issue is, which can then be more easily exploited.
August 28th, 2005 at at 2:51 pm
Uberkuh:
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been called a smartass…
I’ve read through the whole Bible a few times in my life. These days, I just flip through looking for topics for this series, so I suppose once a week. The emotion I come away with every single time is pure frustration. It’s just SO OBVIOUS. How can people believe any of this? Moreover, why would the want to? I don’t think I could bring myself to pick up the Bible if I didn’t then get to unload that frustration in a post.
August 28th, 2005 at at 10:00 pm
doesn’t really matter about the logical inconsistencies, fanatical ravings and historical inaccuracies in the bible, people believe it. Thats the point, whenever someone points these things out, or as you have done asked ” I have yet to find a satisfactory explanation as to why an omnipotent god would need Jesus” a theist simply has to say “it’s Gods will, you cannot understand his motives”.
I’ve given up hoping that poking holes in a theists logic will have any effect, they seem to be able to survive with a worldview that is contradictory at best, and more often that not, downright idiotic.
Has anyone ever had the experience whereby using a reasoned logical arguement they were ever able to cause a theist to start to question their beliefs?
August 29th, 2005 at at 8:46 am
God sure is a dick. I mean, if my dad made me suffer and die because all my siblings were being dipshits all the time, and then ignored my pleas for help when I was being tortured by them, you can bet there would be some phone calls to child services made.
August 29th, 2005 at at 9:45 am
Gun of Sod, you present a frutratingly true point.
Although, in the midst of one of my Bible Revelation (as in revealing the Bible) sessions, the lady I was “debating” with ACTUALLY asked me to stop, because, and I’m not making this up, SHE MIGHT START TO BELIEVE ME.
I suggested she stop believeing and start knowing.
August 29th, 2005 at at 10:06 am
I’ve got to say I’m really enjoying these layman’s translations of the bible
This one is the best in the series yet!
August 29th, 2005 at at 10:10 am
Here’s my idea about the necessity of Jesus. It’s contrived, and probably logically inconsistient, but I figure that would pretty much make it fit well with the rest of the bible. It’s probably also not what many chiristians believe, but as far as liturature goes, here’s one shot.
God can’t (or doesn’t want to) leave heaven, but needs some sort of earthly presence. Invisibly boinking Mary (this is actually a common theme in Japanese porn comics), is probably easier than creating another made-of-dust-and-ribs person. Long story, short, God is sorry for being such a dick, you know, all the genocide and torture and so forth. He’s really sorry, so he decides to show the world how sorry he is by dying upon the cross. And, to make up for it, he now will allow sin in heaven.
That last part is the key: his sacrifice is allowing sin to enter heaven, even though he doesn’t want it. It would explain the Jesus dying for our sins idea, thereby taking them back to heaven. Hence, even sinners can get into heaven. Good news for all us heathens, I guess.
Yeah, this still is completely contradictary with the idea of an omniscient god, but at least it would show humanity, “Oops, my bad.” Not too bad of a story from somebody who coludn’t explain fire, birds, disease, seasons, or tides.
It’s all conjucture on my part, but it’s the only way I could figure Christians actually mean god sacrificed anything for humanity. Normally, if somebody screws up and has to fix it, we call it taking responsibility, not making a sacrifice. Or, maybe you’re right, and god is just a dick.
August 29th, 2005 at at 11:42 am
Gun of God,
Ive actually deconverted a few people with logial arguments and refutations of their emotional arguments. But it wasnt easy. And its few and far between.
Most theists simply believe and choose not to be open minded about being wrong. They are very closed minded when it comes to faith.
August 29th, 2005 at at 11:49 am
‘Most theists simply believe and choose not to be open minded about being wrong. They are very closed minded when it comes to faith.’
This is the key idea behind theism – don’t ask questions, and don’t wonder why. By being close-minded they don’t have to worry about their lives being turned upside-down face.
August 29th, 2005 at at 12:20 pm
I hate to reference Ann Rice for this discussion, but here goes. In one of the books in the Vampire series, the discussion of god’s ability to truly ’suffer’ if he is aware of his own omnipotence. Now forgive me if I get this a little wrong, I read the books about 10 years ago.
Anyway, the argument went that god had a choice when creating Jesus. Since Jesus is both the son and the father, Jesus is really god on earth. He could have created Jesus (himself) without knowledge of his own devinity thus making the suffering much more real. Or he could take the form of a man, but know a priori that he was actually god. Ann’s stance (well the stance taken in the book) is that god coped out and created himself in the form of Jesus with a priori knowledge of his own divinity.
This basically negates any true suffering since he knew in a couple hours he would be back in heaven………………..
More importantly, I think it is interesting that a book about mythological creatures does a good job of discribe the greatest mythological creature of them all.
August 29th, 2005 at at 12:46 pm
Gun of Sod:
There have been one or two people who have commented here that the rational arguments found in the atheist blogosphere deconverted them. Additionally, I got my wife’s sister to admit that she doesn’t believe in god, and I think my mother may be on the fence after many, many years. It’s not frequent, but it happens.
August 29th, 2005 at at 2:15 pm
Good job. Where else can you make a comment like this and have it for all to see without being shot down. Keep up the great work. We need more like this. When it comes to cruxifiction. I’m rminded of a movie “The Life Of Brian”. With a mass cruxifiction at the end, what a scene. And to think the religious thought it blasphemous while I thought…. it was true?
Jim
August 30th, 2005 at at 3:33 am
Is all this bible bashing necessary? Whats the point? Aren’t you just reducing yourself to their level? Would you do the same to the Koran or the sacred Jewish, Hindu or Buhdist texts whose names escape me right now? The suffering of Jesus is the crux of the whole thing, its what is suposed to get you in the pit of your stomach and cause you to get on your knees because of his supposed suffering. I know, because I was raised in a strict christian household and read scriptures regularly but doubted it all from a very early age. However I do not rule out that Jesus existed in some fashion and was deified somewhere along the line. The bible is still full of common wisdom(and BS), probably handed down from oral history. with a few more edits it could have been a more believable document, maybe they were in a rush to get it into production.
I am perfectly content in my strong athiest views but never feel the need to deconvert anybody. Can you tell me why you feel the need to do the same? I’ve always felt that was a weakness, if you dont see it my way than maybe I’m wrong. Is this what evangelical atheist is? Besides, I think most believers are right on the edge of sanity and they’re religion is the only thing keeping the rest of us safe.
Does any of this make sense cause I’m new to this blogging thing.
DLA
August 30th, 2005 at at 9:11 am
Think how bizzare Christianity would appear if Jesus had been impaled, rather than crucified…
Can’t you just picture the ornaments and such!
(The slogans would be interesting as well. “Jesus: He took it up the ass for you.)
Corndogs would probably hold a very special meaning in Christiandom.
August 30th, 2005 at at 7:16 pm
I just had to let you know, I Am, that my Catholic mother-in-law opened my homepage (which is currently your blog) and immediately saw your “God is a Dick” title. She is currently in a state of denial about my atheism, but I know that shook her up.
I fear I am responsible for unleashing a virus named “trojan horse” onto her computer. At first, I thought it was just my father-in-law looking at porn or something, but I just unleashed the same damn virus on my computer here at work. I clicked on a link to an atheist political website linking from activeatheism.com (It was the big white link on the bottom, so don’t click it).
I was wondering if anyone else has had this trojan horse virus. It is a bitch to eliminate. I suppose I can’t blame this on some deviant christian, but I have my suspicions.
August 30th, 2005 at at 7:23 pm
The thing I forgot to mention about the virus on my mother-in-law’s computer is that she thinks it is because I am searching many, many atheist sites and that it is karma or something that caused the virus. She is correct in that I caused the virus, but for the wrong reasons. It re-enforces her opinion that atheist sites are off limits because they are somehow evil.
August 30th, 2005 at at 10:52 pm
DLA:
I’ve already gone after the Quran, and the others are coming. Be patient.
I speak against religion because it’s dangerous. If you think religion is keeping us safe from the stupid and the crazy, you haven’t read a newspaper in… well ever. Al Qaeda, The IRA, Kahanism, Dominionism…
I know I feel safer.
September 1st, 2005 at at 2:55 am
DLA, I don’t feel like evangelical atheists are stooping to the theists’ level. There is one major difference between us. We see reality (and many of the truths therein) and the theists are duped into believing in inherently dangerous doctrines that distort reality and cheapen our existences. Religion is a memetic virus that spreads through ignorance, greed, stupidity, and intolerance of other memes or ideas. I consider it the least I can do to attempt to spread reason. I feel there is a debt owed to society and humankind in general. None of us would be who we were if we did not have the luxuries and benefits of living in a social environment. As individuals, we do not develop in a vacuum. Our educations and experiences are mostly based on the efforts of previous generations. To ignore the acheivements of previous generations is selfish and ignorant. Everyone should feel inclined to contribute in their own way. My way is by how I perceive to best help others. That is to attempt to free their minds so they can maximise their happiness in this life.
September 8th, 2005 at at 5:58 pm
The interesting thing about the Jesus myth is that there are many many many similar myths from all around the world.
The root of these tales are as follows:
The goddess gives birth to a half human half diety son who grows up to be a spiritual leader. He makes the mistake of believing in his own power (I am Lord) and denounces his mother the goddess.
He is then turned on and killed by his own people.
The moral:
honor thy mother (mother nature)
The Hebrew version twists the moral.
They also twisted the moral of the Adam and Eve story. This tale also has hundreds of sources from around the world.
In this one, the hero goes on a quest to save his people and after proving his worth, he comes to the tree of life, guarded by the serpent who is the keeper of all healing knowlege. The Goddess honors the hero and rewards him with the fruit from the tree of life. (Some stories refer to her gift as a wine or blood sacrement that he drinks from a cup (ie: the holy grail)
Anyway, with his new knowlege and healing power he returns to his home saves his people and thus becomes king.
He marries the goddess and together they rule. He represents the just brave protector, and She represents the healer and life bringer.
Together they are called the Adama. (Adam and Eve)
Adam translates from Hebrew and Greek as “Of the Earth” and Eve translates as “Life”. Together they are the “life of the earth”.
They are One, and together are the symbol of marriage, parenting, and leadership. The Divine Couple. In balance.
They represent the core goal of all living things: to procreate, bear young and survive. In addition they create a civilized sactity of marriage and family and community as a place of honor and mutual respect.
The Hebrews were a nomadic people who needed strong powerful men to deal with the dangers of moving into new territories. Women were a liability for their culture. They treated their women like they treated their sheep. as property.
Thats why their theology degrades women, and their twist on the Adama story demotes Eve to the bearer of original sin.
Because they did not approve of the Goddess religions of other cultures, they stole the story of the birth of the Buddha. Buddha was born from his mothers side, and apparently Adam became the mother of Eve when she was born from his side.
They made the man the life bringer, as a way to erase any power or veneration for the woman and her association with the ability to give birth. Not olny did they claim Adam was the life bringer, but they also condemed Eve for her healing knowlege and cursed her for giving birth!
You see, in olden times, when a woman gave birth, it was seen as a divine miracle. By claiming that Adam was the life bringer, they were able to denounce the Goddess religions as they traveled from place to place, using up resources, and overpowering their host cultures.
These folks wanted man to rule supreme.
Its sad that this small sect of misguided male chauvenists created the seeds from which Islam and Christianity were born.
Muslim theology is just a different twist on the old Hebrew stories. Even their most sacred shrine, Mecca is an old Goddess temple. There is a black rock that sits in the center of the temple covered with a cloth. Guess what is hidden under that cloth… The rock has a carving for the symbol of the goddess Aphrodite!
Wouldent most Muslims be shocked to know that they face Mecca each day and bow to a symbol of female goddess worship!!!!!
The Quran even tells of how the Muslims waited one year before attacking the goddess worshipers and kicking them out, because they had promised not to evict them, and had to wait one year to keep their word.
After that though…out came the swords!
The Muslims cover their women in Burkas and fear sex, while the western world of Christians parade their women as sex symbols all over the media. The Hebrew males recite a daily prayer that says ‘Thank God I was not born a woman.”
The Catholics refuse to let half their membership (the women) hold office as priests, bishops, cardnials or pope. These women have no voice in church policy, nor are they allowed to vote in conclave.
All three groups ignore the real value of women.
According to the old ways, a womans life consists of three phases, Maiden, Mother, Crone.
The Crone is the old wise woman and healer. She is the heart of the family and the most valuable asset to civilized society.
It is so sad that people no longer know of the mythologies that value older women for their wisdom.
All cultures develop mythologies. That can not be stopped. But we can fight to expose the inequities of our myths, and forge new ones that will lead the people in a healthier direction.
-The myths of a culture effect every aspect of society.-
If we fail to adopt new forms of cultural mytholgy that reflect our values and understanding of the natural world, our society will crumble.