Journey of an Atheist - Part IV: The Witch Trial
Samantha (not her real name) was a witch. Actually, she still is. The first time I ever heard of Wicca was from her when she read my aura at a party using some juniper berries. The next time I went to Barnes & Noble, I bought some books about Wicca, and I liked what I read.
First of all, it’s polytheistic, which was a major benefit. If gods exist, why should there be only one? If there’s more than one, why limit yourself? Second, Wicca had magic. That’s a bonus for several reasons. It’s fun. It gives you a sense of control over your world, which is very appealing to a teenager. It provides a very close, intimate relationship with the divine, which I had never experienced in Christianity. Third, while covens are encouraged, you can do it alone. I’ve always been kind of a loner. Wicca doesn’t require a congregation.
I decided to give it a try. Samantha never encouraged me in any way to become Wiccan. In fact, there were times when she subtly tried to discourage me. I think she sensed that I would eventually become an atheist. Despite that, I bought more books, visited herb shops, made magical incenses and oils and celebrated the Sabbats.
I was a Wiccan for over three years. Other than Catholicism, it was the longest I spent with one faith. When I arrived at college and found out about the dorm policy against burning candles, I met with the dean and obtained special permission to practice my religion. I was dead serious about Wicca. I’m absolutely ashamed of that now, but it’s true. I cast spells. I had visions (with no drugs). I felt energy move through me in impossible ways. I was an idiot. I was a sucker. The power of religious experience to distort reality is profound.
There was no incident that soured me to Wicca. To this day, I have nothing but positive feelings about the religion. There was no conflict of personality, since I always practiced alone. I’m not exactly sure why I’m not still a Wiccan. Over a period of time, I just started to look at what I was doing and realize that it was a fairy tale. Wicca is a wonderful religion. Unfortunately, none of it is real.
I still see Samantha, but not often. She came to my birthday party this year. I was making fun of someone we both used to know who once told me she did astral projection. Samantha looked down sheepishly, and I realized in an instant just how different she and I are now. “I don’t believe in anything anymore,” I said. “I know,” she said “but I do it.” We both dropped the subject.
Human beings don’t see with their eyes. The eyes just collect light. We see with our minds. The brain inverts the image, fills in the blind spots, completes partial patterns, etc. (If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, click here.) In fact, all of the senses are mental. The organs are just input devices. If you want to see something badly enough and you can make yourself expect to see it, you can see it. If you can imagine what it feels like to have your energy “centered,” you can feel it. The only difference between an atheist and a mystic is the ability to differentiate between the observed world and the generated world.
Catholicism made me lose Catholicism. Protestantism made me lose monotheism. Wicca made me lose gods entirely. The story, however, is not quite over. Come back for Part V.
~I AM~
August 15th, 2005 at at 11:35 am
I played with Wicca for a short while. I read lots of Silver Ravenwolf books. I even have an athame!
But like you, it was shortlived. In fact, I only played with Wicca for about 6 months before I became an atheist. I wonder if Wicca is a popular “step” in the path from dogmatic monotheism to freethinking atheism?
Its got lots of plusses compared to dogmatic monotheism, most of which you mentioned. But its also a very open ended religion with no structure. Anyone can be a priest/priestess, and theres typically no donations needed (unless you are in a coven that needs some supplies or something). You make alot of your own rules. Plus, Wicca doesnt bring a “youre guilty since birth” messages. Instead its self-esteem message is much more positive.
Oh by the way I think your link isnt working.
August 15th, 2005 at at 11:47 am
I fixed the link. Thanks for pointing that out.
August 15th, 2005 at at 12:16 pm
Wow, Wiccan. I didn’t see that one coming. My wife was into Wicca in high school. She found it fun. (I think she casted some kind of love spells, sheesh, teenage girls). Fortunately, she’s not into it anymore, although she does watch Charmed…and I also like to watch Charmed, but for the hot women, yeah, that’s it. Good post, I’m waiting on the next part.
August 15th, 2005 at at 12:34 pm
I agree with Kinney. Wicca seems to built to be very free, and therefor gives people alot of room to experiment, and enough experimentation leads to the truth.
August 15th, 2005 at at 1:18 pm
The mere fact that so many people wander through religious test-drives speaks volumes on the allure of religion in general. It’s “easier” to try a new one, than to just let go of it altogether. Oh well.
Thinking back, I traveled an awkward road to disbelieve myself - protestant christian > rastafarian (lol) > islam > deism … while all along my major issue was, well, disbelief. Shoulda cut out the middleman much sooner.
August 15th, 2005 at at 1:21 pm
This series is fucking brilliant. Thanks for sharing your experiences, I Am.
August 15th, 2005 at at 2:09 pm
I’m definitely enjoying this series as well. I never practiced Wicca on my road to atheism, but perhaps that’s because I was only 14 or so and had never heard of it. I knew of no one else that doubted christianity, so I had to pretty much come up with my own pseudo religions until I was finally able to let go entirely. First I believed a type of deistic belief, then it began to be a sort of strange alien belief, and shortly thereafter I realized that I didn’t have evidence or reason to believe any of those.
August 15th, 2005 at at 4:12 pm
Interesting. I don’t know much about Wicca, but it seems like a very interesting religion.
Anyway, great series, and I can’t wait for part V!
August 15th, 2005 at at 4:40 pm
Very interesting. I bet none of us would have figured you for a witch! Given the tremendous social pressure on all of us to embrace religion, it is not surprising that most of us have probably dabbled in various religions at one time or another - I know I have. Very good series.
August 15th, 2005 at at 5:34 pm
I have just begun exploring Wicca and I must say it is a lot like Marijuana. It is a good stepping stone and a gateway if you want to explore more specific self-discovering religions like Buddhism but it’s certainly not the only religious alternative. I can identify with Delta when (s)he says no one else in his/her town doubts Christianity. I live in a city of about 700K and about 70% is Catholic so Metaphysical stores don’t really exist here. Of course Wicca is not for everyone and if believeing in nothing makes you happy than go for it! I will say, though, that seeing the history of Christianity from a pre-christian Pagan point of view makes you see how ridiculous it really is.
August 15th, 2005 at at 5:44 pm
Quite the tale, I Am… and this time, you left us with no clues as to what happens next. Tsk, tsk. Now we have nothing to really wonder over.
So Samantha was just a friend? Think some of us were gearing up for you to break a heart/get your heart broken…
Anyway, I never exactly was Wiccan, but I certainly found it fascinating. The Protestant church I went to consider horoscopes to be Santanism/Devil Worship, so I wasn’t about to experiment.
Still, of all the religions I’ve researched, it was the one I cam closest to considering before finally just admitting to myself I was an atheist. Being an atheist just seemed to final to me. There’s no sensible turning back from it, ya know?
Thanks for sharing, can’t wait for the rest!
August 15th, 2005 at at 6:20 pm
It’s fun to experiment, there is a wonderful selection out there for you to choose from. Wicca was very fun for the short time I was doing it, much more exciting then christianity.
August 15th, 2005 at at 9:09 pm
I never knew so many people practiced wicca. I always associated it with cultist, satanic-type stuff or witches and warlocks and such. I didn’t know much about it. The only ‘religion’ I ever tried, if you can call it that, was buddhism. Really, it was a fascination with Eastern thought in general. I thought of them as more philosophies than religions. I still am undecided on whether or not chi or ki is real or imaginary. You know, chinese accupuncture and stuff like that. There still seems to be some merit to it, though I could easily be wrong. The Hagakure, I Ching, Tao de Ching, Confusionism, Taoism, etc. are all worthy of learning. Some of it is rather entertaining and enlightening.
August 15th, 2005 at at 11:21 pm
boywonder wrote: “The Hagakure, I Ching, Tao de Ching, Confusionism, Taoism, etc. are all worthy of learning. Some of it is rather entertaining and enlightening.”
Religions don’t survive if they don’t have any life truths to offer; it can’t be all threats and false promises. There’s a lot of great philosophy and basic life principles embedded in successful religions. It’s easy, as an atheist, to forget that.
The problem, of course, is that it’s a package deal… you get a lot of nonsense diluting the value of the collected wisdom. Like proselytization.
Unlike many others commenting here I didn’t turn to other religions when I dropped what I grew up in (Protestant Christianity) because it took me a while. And for all I know I would still be there if I was able to make peace with my doubts myself, for myself. It was when I got to college and was convinced that part of Christianity was going out and spreading it that it all came down.
I realized I couldn’t share that nonsense with others… so what was I doing believing it myself?
Anyway, good series, I Am.