God is a Dick - Part VII: Midian
In the book of Numbers, when the Israelites settle for a while in the plains of Moab, they have some trouble getting along with their neighbors. The tale of them wiping the Amorites off the face of the earth has traveled ahead of them, and Balak, king of Moab, is justifiably frightened. He sends a prophet (Balaam) to curse Israel, but an angel of the lord stops him from doing so. In fact, he blessed Israel three times on god’s instructions. However, the Israelites manage to bring the wrath of god upon themselves anyway, as usual. The men of Israel start sleeping with the women of Moab and Midian and worshipping their gods.
God, in his divine originality, decides that a plague would be a good punishment for Israel. However, when Phineas, son of the priest Eleazar, skewers an Israelite man and his Midianite lover with a javelin, god is so pleased that he calls off the plague after ONLY 24,000 people had died.
God then spends a few chapters taking a census, setting up the rules of inheritance, telling the Israelites what types of offerings he wants at each time of year and making it perfectly clear that women have almost no right whatsoever to make their own decisions. If you’re a feminist, read Numbers 30.
The action picks up in chapter 31. God instructs Moses to raise an army of 12,000 Israelite warriors and send them to make war on Midian.
And they warred against the Midianites, as the LORD commanded Moses; and they slew all the males. And they slew the kings of Midian, beside the rest of them that were slain; namely, Evi, and Rekem, and Zur, and Hur, and Reba, five kings of Midian: Balaam also the son of Beor they slew with the sword. (NUM 31:7-8 KJV)
Do you remember Balaam? He’s the prophet that was sent to curse Israel. Despite the fact that he did everything he was told, he’s slain in the attack on Midian. Listening to god doesn’t save you.
And the children of Israel took all the women of Midian captives, and their little ones, and took the spoil of all their cattle, and all their flocks, and all their goods. And they burnt all their cities wherein they dwelt, and all their goodly castles, with fire. And they took all the spoil, and all the prey, both of men and of beasts. (NUM 31:9-11 KJV)
The Israelite warriors go back to Moses feeling pretty proud of themselves. They’ve obliterated the enemy and returned with cash and prizes. Moses isn’t satisfied.
And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD. Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. (NUM 31:15-18 KJV)
That’s nice. Kill the women. Kill the boys. Keep the virgin girls. Did I open the Quran by accident?
The “booty” (no pun intended) totals 675,000 sheep, 72 beeves (cattle - plural of beef), 1,060 asses and 32,000 VIRGINS! God gives Moses explicit instructions on how to divide the spoils, and the lord’s take, which is to be a heave offering, includes 32 virgins.
Let’s review. The Israelites can’t keep their beeves in their pants, so god killed 24,000 of them with a plague before changing his inerrant mind. He then decides to launch a war on Midian because their women are apparently more attractive than Israelite women. In this war, god’s servants kill a man who followed an angel’s instructions and, oh yeah, ALL THE OTHER MEN. Their cities are burned to the ground for good measure. The women and children are spared at first, but Yahweh won’t stand for that kind of honorable behavior. The boys and women are killed, and the virgin girls are distributed, but not before god has the priests wave 32 of them up and down in front of him for a while. Dick.
~I AM~
August 14th, 2005 at at 1:46 am
One has to wonder exactly what good ol’ Phineas was doing before he skewered the couple. How exactly did he just happen upon those two in the middle of…well, maybe I’m reading too much into it. At least that’s what I’m told I do where the Bible is concerned.
I AM, this is a wonderful series.
August 14th, 2005 at at 9:52 am
DUB:
They weren’t getting to “know” each other at the time. The Israelite had just brought her back to the camp.
August 14th, 2005 at at 10:08 am
¡Jesús Cristo! Eso es increíble…
What happened to all those virgins? I mean, okay it’s pretty damn likely they didn’t stay virgins. Maybe it’s the whole rape isn’t about sex thing. Maybe even Yahweh realized that. So, when his beloved “children” indulged in the flesh of the hot, willing Midianite women, this was punishable by plague… but raping their innocent virgins - the “women children” - defiling them… that was a gift for fighting.
Yeah, he’s a good and loving god. Fucker.
August 14th, 2005 at at 2:50 pm
I really wish more christians knew about the stories in their books. How could someone possibly read this and think that god is in any position to dictate to us what is right and what is wrong. I’d rather have some drunk off the street tell me what’s right then this crazy, murdering lunatic.
August 14th, 2005 at at 2:55 pm
Has anyone ever seen a squirrel going to the bathroom?
August 14th, 2005 at at 3:13 pm
Aeger:
I am to your comment as a theist is to life. I am struggling to find meaning it it.
August 14th, 2005 at at 3:54 pm
OK let me bow down to this. Sick, sick , sick. All this killing from a “JUST AND LOVING GOD”.
Delta, A drunk off the street is in the white house???? What’s the difference?
I’m perfectly content in non belief. JIM
August 14th, 2005 at at 5:32 pm
I got a Christian missionary type to concede that the god of the Old Testimate is not an all loving god, but a “tough” loving god
August 14th, 2005 at at 5:48 pm
I AM - this is great. Too bad more Christians aren’t seeing this
August 14th, 2005 at at 6:56 pm
Perhaps soemone should email it to the christians then.
Nobody’s seen a squirrel in that context? Nobody?
August 14th, 2005 at at 7:35 pm
What’s with the squirrel Aeger?
I AM, great post. This was a great series.
August 14th, 2005 at at 7:44 pm
I’m not entirely sure, but Aeger’s post could be a reference to a comment by Adam Corolla on his new show on Comedy Central, where he said that you always see horses taking a crap or pissing but never a squirrel. As far as I know it doesn’t fit into this discussion. And btw, despite Corolla being an atheist and publically admitting it on his show the first day, I have to say that the show sucks.
August 14th, 2005 at at 8:13 pm
I’ve just never seen one doing that, and it fascinates me. . .
Yes, the show does suck, though I only have access to cable while I’m down here in Texas (repulicans, ug) I have already determined the suckage of said program.
August 14th, 2005 at at 8:16 pm
I generally find Adam Corolla to be one of the most annoying people on earth, atheist or not. He was vaguely funny on The Man Show, but Jimmy Kimmel carried that show.
Squirrels go potty in their nests. That’s why we never see it. Go hang out in a nest, and then you might get lucky, Aeger. Or you might get your eyes gouged out.
August 14th, 2005 at at 9:37 pm
Now if only birds could do that.
August 15th, 2005 at at 1:03 am
Gouge out your eyes? I am sure it could be arranged, if you asked nicely.
August 15th, 2005 at at 9:01 am
You have to wonder about the non semitic races from those times though. Their world must have seriously sucked if the Jews could convince the rest that they were “chosen”.
August 15th, 2005 at at 11:12 am
Aeger
I have seen a squirrel do his business.
He was on my porch (4th floor), and when I came out, I apparently scared him… because he left some little turds on the railing he leapt off of.
btw… he didn’t catch the tree he was aiming for, so he sat on the ground all kinda twitchy for about 5 minutes…. then he scampered off.
Oh…….and I LOVE this blog.
August 15th, 2005 at at 12:37 pm
This is a wonderful atmospere with smart people, the best place to cultivate ideas.
August 15th, 2005 at at 1:11 pm
I’m reminded of the time when my sister knocked the squirrel out of the tree with a freakishly accurate chuck of a rock, and after passing it around the poor little guy awoke just in time to latch onto my brothers finger. As he swirled the squirrel (who knew they had pitbull-like death grips) overhead, the amount of schadenfruede exhibited by a group of 6 year olds at his expense was both hilarious and rather disheartening. Which takes me back to the topic at hand, dealing with the destruction of any people not lucky enough to be god’s chosen…
As to offerings - burnt, heave, wave - I’ve read that offerings were all sacrifices in the classical sense. IN other words, they wern’t just thrown in the air, they were eventually killed. If true, how many christians think human sacrifice is a good thing?
Oops. I kinda forgot about the Iraq situation, bombing of abortion clinics, witch hunts, capital punishment, and general history of religion.
And my bad on the assumption, I Am…I must have envisioned Phineas as a Jason Vorhees of sorts, creeping up on debaucherous campers.
August 15th, 2005 at at 2:30 pm
I researched heave offerings and found conflicting opinions, so I thought an accusation of slaughtering virgins wasn’t adequately supported. Do you have any good links on the topic? I would love to see them.