Devout Darwinist
I am sick and tired of being bashed from both sides of the Intelligent Design controversy. The creationists attack my beliefs at every turn. The supporters of evolution say I am simply an error in terminology, and that I do not exist. I am a devout Darwinist.
Yes, that’s right. I have accepted Charles Darwin as my personal Lord and savior. I strive every day to live His word and do His bidding on earth. I kneel each night before His graven image beside my bed, pondering the penetrating keenness of His eyes and the intrepid bushiness of His holy face. On Tuesday evenings (the Darwinian sabbath) my wife and I read aloud to one another from the scriptures which He authored to guide our way. We delight in His tales of blessed finches and hallowed earthworms, the creatures that were most beloved to Darwin. Yes, I am proud and joyous to be a Darwinist. “Darwin’s in His Beagle and all is right with the world.”
I have walked in the footsteps of Lord Darwin. Like Him, I began life bound in servitude to a church of men. I pursued religious instruction at the behest of my parents, as Darwin Himself did before me. I too have lost faith in the god of my forebears as my Lord taught by example.
“Whilst on board the Beagle.. I was quite orthodox… But I had gradually come, by this time, to see that the Old Testament… was no more to be trusted than the… beliefs of any barbarian.” [source]
I struggle against the barbarians daily (or every couple of days) in cyberspace in the service of Darwin.
For those of you who may be interested in taking up Darwinism, let me share with you the two sacred acts of worship and the two sacred principles. The first act of worship is, of course, the celebration of the holy day of His birth (February 12). The traditional meal is tortoise soup and finch pot pies. The second act of worship need only be carried out by those from religious families. As Darwin did before you, you are to take the time during which your relations attend worship services to go for a nice walk. A walk never offended anyone, and you can spend the time thinking about how silly they are.
The two sacred principles are far more important to being a Darwinist. The first is homology. In biology, structures in different organisms are considered homologous if they are derived from a shared ancestry, but are used for different purposes. Take, for example, the brain of the supporter of evolution and the large knot of nerve tissue at the top of the spinal chord of the creationist. The former is used for reasoning and making sense of the world through observation and deduction. The latter is used for making up silly stories and devising new ways to force them upon others. The second principle is evolution. I’ll state it simply for this discussion. Any organism, even the creationist, can change for the better. It’s not too late. Evolve.
~I AM~
August 12th, 2005 at at 10:58 pm
This is so moving, I think I will become a mutated-again Darwinist.
August 13th, 2005 at at 2:36 am
Cute
August 13th, 2005 at at 8:11 am
Creationists evolving? Man, you really are an optimist! This was a great post.
August 13th, 2005 at at 1:35 pm
Lol. How…interesting.
It totally bashed my faith.
I didn’t know that you could accept Charles Darwin as your savior…
WOuld he even want that? Wouldn’t he rather you not, cause all evolution does is try to dissprove religion, so why would you make him into a God and make a religion out of it?
But whatever, I’m praying for ya man.
August 13th, 2005 at at 7:43 pm
cause all evolution does is try to dissprove religion
Not quite, science attempts to explain the world. But when religion makes baseless claims about the world and then people learn that it’s not actually true, well then there’s going to be a controversy between those who want to understand the world and those who want the world to fit their naive conception of it.
August 13th, 2005 at at 7:56 pm
WOuld he even want that?
I don’t know. His Most Highly-Evolved Excellence cannot be approached directly to ask him. For guidance, I will pray to Gregor Mendel, who is seated at the right hand of the Darwin.
August 13th, 2005 at at 8:37 pm
“cause all evolution does is try to dissprove religion”
…what the hell? Evolution explains why life is like what it is. Religion is supposed supposed to explain why everything is like what it is. Science’s goal is not to disprove religion, it is to explain the world. Science, optimally, should not deal with religion at all.
August 14th, 2005 at at 12:58 am
Can I get an “Ape man?” Let us also not forget St. Galileo, Patron Saint of Eternal Patience.
August 14th, 2005 at at 4:33 am
“A walk never offended anyone, and you can spend the time thinking about how silly they are.”
Time well spent!
“Take, for example, the brain of the supporter of evolution and the large knot of nerve tissue at the top of the spinal chord of the creationist. The former is used for reasoning and making sense of the world through observation and deduction. The latter is used for making up silly stories and devising new ways to force them upon others.”
Reason and logic are found in the neocortex. Fear, anger, greed - all these things which religions feed upon - are found in the reptile brain. Atheists tend to use their neocortices, the very part of the brain that makes our global civilization possible, the very part of the brain we evolved specifically to use the way we do. Whereas theists are played like fiddles by their own disorienting emotions and superstitions, reacting to the world without understanding it, operating like a lizard. To each their own, I suppose, but I would certainly rather be an intelligent monkey than an ignorant iguana.
August 14th, 2005 at at 12:54 pm
This is so interesting!
I will pray to Gregor Mendel, seated at the right hand of the father Darwin!
I have never ever heard anyone say that!
Also, at the top of your page it says “Helping Mankind Overcome Religion.”
So why are you making Evolution a religion, it’s a philosophy, something you believe to be true.
It just wouldn’t be right to deify Darwin, he himself was atheist.
August 14th, 2005 at at 1:36 pm
…if I didn’t know better, I would think that you are taking I Am seriously.
August 14th, 2005 at at 3:05 pm
“Any organism, even the creationist, can change for the better. It’s not too late. Evolve.”
Organisms can change but they cannot evolve. Populations evolve, not individuals.
(Yes, yes, I know this is one big joke - even though it has a point - but somebody had to correct this.)
Which reminds me, concerning the motivation for the post: Some anti-evolution religious folks are starting to realize how dumb it is to call evolution a religion… and are taking a step back and trying to attack naturalism/materialism as a religious belief. This is a better tactic but it’s more pernicious as it attacks the very heart of science.
Then again if you were backed in a corner trying to defend such ridiculousness what else could you do?
/there are religious folks that accept the scientific fact of evolution
//there are religious folks that aren’t concerned with such things
///but there are also religious folks who think that the scientific advances of the past 400 or so years have come about because of god-belief. Sheesh.
August 14th, 2005 at at 7:10 pm
You shouldn’t make fun. It’s hard trying to start out a new religion. I am quite certain that nobody hear besides Seth know’s what Etherism is. (http://quailitude.blogspot.com/2005/07/etherism-tis-my-religioun.html)