Journey of an Atheist - Part III: Fire and Brimstone
Christine (not her real name) was a member of the Dutch Reformed Church. They are a strict lot. There is no touching, no dancing and no enjoyment of any kind. Music is permitted, but only instruments one might have been able to find in 17th century Vienna. Christine’s father was a quiet man. Not quiet like he was shy… quiet like he had killed a man once and didn’t want to risk giving himself away. Her mother was a Stepford wife. Well, a cheap model. Christine and her brother both had serious emotional problems. They were both anorexic, though he was much worse. He was hospitalized for it at least three times while I knew her.
Despite her background and faith, she was one of the smartest people I had ever met. She was in my honors science classes and was a straight A student. Any religion that could work for someone as bright as she was had to be something I should try. We began a “relationship” that would last for three years, on and off. The quotation marks are required, because in three years time, I hugged her three times. She hugged back only once. We went to a dance together once. She actually did dance with me for one song. When a picture of us dancing emerged, I was forced to turn it over to her for destruction, lest it ever fall into her father’s hands.
Under Christine’s tutelage, I read the Bible for the first time. It was the King James Version, so I had to keep it hidden in my room. To a Catholic mother, a Protestant Bible might as well be porn. Christine also got me started listening to a radio show by a false prophet named Harold Camping who had written a book predicting the end of the world in 1994 based on his analysis of numbers in the Bible. You have probably figured out by now that he was mistaken. I read somewhere that he has revised his estimate to 2011.
I found that Protestantism had most of the same problems as Catholicism. I guess that shouldn’t have surprised me. Plus, now that I had read the Bible, I got to see a whole new set of contradictions and inaccuracies. Christine focused on “faith” as the answer to most things. I would ask her how she had faith in a god who couldn’t get his stories straight. God was right. Humans just can’t fully understand. I turned to Harold Camping for a better explanation on one particularly troublesome passage. I called into his radio show, and he evaded my question completely. Like a politician on a Sunday morning talk show, he mentioned the topic of my question and then talked about something totally unrelated.
I was unable to reconcile Christianity with things I “knew” to be true. Well, maybe I didn’t really know anything at all. I explored the Cartesian method of proving god. I started from nothing but absolute certainties and tried to build an entire worldview. I would up unsure of even my own existence. Rene, nice job on the geometry, but you’re otherwise somewhat obtuse.
It wasn’t much longer before I gave up on Christianity entirely. I did NOT wait until the world failed to end. On a side note, I still remember the night that was supposed to be the last. I was at a night club with some friends, thinking about Harold Camping as midnight approached. I watched the last few seconds tick away on my watch and thought about calling Christine, who I hadn’t seen in quite a while. I decided against it. I had coffee with her once about a year after that, and that was the last time I saw her.
Having finally ruled out Christ as the right answer, I turned 180 degrees. I borrowed a copy of the Satanic Bible from a particularly scary friend of mine, and tore through it in a few days. I probably considered myself a Satanist for about 36 hours. The Satanic Bible is much like the Christian Bible. It has a few good ideas, but it’s mostly bullshit. Author Anton LaVey, founder of the Church of Satan, rails against Christian deception, ritual and hypocrisy, and then he provides all three.
Like every other faith with which I’d experimented, however, I took away some lessons. Satanism has a strong central message of self-reliance and is refreshingly honest about the base, Hobbesian nature of man. While I would not be any more likely to become a Satanist than to return to Christianity, I would probably be less worried about my (future) children reading the Satanic Bible than the Christian one. Well, at least the first half. Some of the second half is NC-17.
By the end of my junior year, my friend Samantha would sweep me into the next and most embarrassing leg of my religious quest.
~I AM~
August 8th, 2005 at at 9:01 am
Can’t remember if I’ve commented here before, but I wanted to let you know that it is SO refreshing to hear someone else’s story of “de-conversion”. I recently went through that process, and I’m determined (along the lines of “Atheist Exposed”) to “come out” as an agnostic/atheist at my horribly conservative Christian university. If I hadn’t found you all, and other atheist blogs, I don’t know if I would have decided that, so thank you.
August 8th, 2005 at at 9:32 am
Somebody ring the bell! We’ve got another one!
Good Luck, JA. I’m glad I could help in whatever small way.
August 8th, 2005 at at 11:52 am
Good ol’ LaVey and the hippie anti-religions of the 60s. The problem with LaVey was his carney side: He lied about his life story more than the Bible lies about Jesus! Wasnt LaVey inspired to make his Church after watching Rosemary’s Baby? Good movie.
Hail Satan!
August 8th, 2005 at at 12:48 pm
I’m going to have to read the Satanic Bible someday.
August 8th, 2005 at at 3:42 pm
Wow I Am (what is your real name anyway). These is simply an amazing story, but by the time I had found your site this guy had already de-converted me.
August 8th, 2005 at at 4:26 pm
Dante:
I am that I am. If it’s good enough for Yahweh, it’s good enough for me.
Aaron:
My favorite thing about Satanism is that it’s the only religion I know of that doesn’t believe in its primary deity.
August 8th, 2005 at at 8:21 pm
It’s interesting to hear you talk about your 36-hour fling with satanism. Sometimes it seems that when one begins to find fault in one belief he quickly grabs on strongly to another for just a short while until he’s had more time to think about it. It kind of reminds me of my doubting of capitalism which quickly followed by about a 48-hour intense feeling toward socialism, which then over the next few days became much milder as I saw how unrealistic some of the socialists and communists were on some of their websites (those of you who read my blog saw some of this first-hand).
And I’m glad to hear about your coming out J.A. =)
August 8th, 2005 at at 8:35 pm
You know, the funny thing is that when I see I AM I can’t get Sam-I-Am out of my head and this is so not a Dr. Seuss type site. Curse of the person who worked with children for far too long.
Sometimes I think I want a blog. I mean, I went to a school that was a cult. That’s pretty unique. Then I decide that I can’t possibly be as eloquent, poignant and/or intellectual as the other Atheist bloggers out here, and decide I’ll stick to commenting.
August 8th, 2005 at at 8:39 pm
Good post I AM. We men always do stupid things for women.
August 8th, 2005 at at 9:02 pm
That’s the point you were trying to make right
August 8th, 2005 at at 10:43 pm
Great post, I Am. I’ve been really enjoying this series, keep it up! It’s made me think more about my “deconversion,” though I was never in much of a religious family to begin with, so I had kind of a different path.
addict_no_more: I know what you mean about wanting to start a blog. I’ve been so inspired by all the great atheist and political blogs I’ve been reading recently. I’ve had a lot of stuff to think about. I have been making a big list of topics to blog on, so I don’t run out of ideas, I just need to sit down and do it. Maybe after my vacation.
August 8th, 2005 at at 10:46 pm
Yeah, I’m not sure I’d have much to say once I got beyond my deconversion story… besides, I’m about to finish school - I don’t wanna do anymore research for a while :P.
I AM - I meant to add in my comment earlier that I loved the play on Christine/Christianity. Maybe it’s just me, but I really think your blog just gets better and better. If you stopped posting, I’d have to cry.
Okay, that might be a bit dramatic, but I’d at least have to mourn the loss with the World Peach.
August 8th, 2005 at at 11:22 pm
Pshtt. Bokonism denies the whole religion it posits. Too bad it doesn’t really exist.
August 9th, 2005 at at 12:46 am
Wait, something has been brewing in my brilliant little brain… your “friend Samantha would sweep” you away.
Did she Bewitch you, I AM? Was Samantha the Wiccan who wowed with wild witchery, while wounding your already tattered religious soul? If I recall, you mentioned Wicca in an earlier post…
Either I’m a genius or an idiot. Hurry, post the next installment so I know witch, er which.
August 9th, 2005 at at 12:47 am
PS. I was in the shower (more info than anyone wanted, I know) listening to the radio when “Witchy Woman” came on. That’s what prompted this pondering.
Wow, I’m wordy tonight.
August 9th, 2005 at at 2:22 am
Keep it up, I Am… This series is becoming really exciting!!!
August 9th, 2005 at at 6:37 am
addict_no_more, I don’t think that’s it. I think Samantha was hot, and I AM wanted to impress her by any means possible, which included religion. I’m telling you, the moral is men do stupid things for women. That’s my prediction, and I stand by it.
August 9th, 2005 at at 12:08 pm
I agree I AM. Its refreshing to see a deity worshipped as a symbol of humanity rather than as a literal entity.
Its like as if Satanism is one big deliberate thumbing of the nose at all other religions in existence. The Nine Satanic Statements (kinda like the anti-ten-commandments) make alot more sense than the rules of most other religions.
Or since Satanism’s #1 holiday is ones own birthday, and they recognize themselves as individual deities, I wonder if maybe Satanists, in worshipping themselves individually, are actually the only ones that believe in God(s) that actually DO exist?
Trippy.
August 9th, 2005 at at 11:54 pm
Franky, since we all know that men generally want to sleep with their female friends, at least at first, it’s highly probable Samantha was hot. However, I AM doesn’t strike me as the type to repeat a pattern of stupidity. Futhermore, he didn’t follow Christine’s religion for Christine’s sake. Sure, keeping her happy (is that even possible with the girl described above?) was undoubtedly a benefit… but the story is one of exploration, self-discovery. I don’t think we’re getting a morality tale here.
August 10th, 2005 at at 9:31 am
Having been born, then to find that I needed to be born again, only later to have studied myself unborn again. Whew.
Yes, getting De-evangelised is quite an exprience.
I talk to many christians and speak to them about the problems and issues in the bible and they yell “Sanctuary, Sanctuary!” and run into the Temple of Faith. Faith is the answer for all the unanswerable questions.
I wish God would just come on down and straighten this whole thing up. In the meantime I’ll continue to worship the goddess. Chics! I love em!
August 10th, 2005 at at 11:47 am
OMFG two days now and no new posts. Im going into withdrawl syndromes! Ever seen trainspotting? I have little Jesuses crawling on the ceiling!
j/k. But seriously, you got a real fan base here I AM. I cant wait for your next post!
August 10th, 2005 at at 11:53 am
Aaron:
Perhaps you haven’t been praying hard enough for a new post.
I’ll have something up today. It won’t be Part IV of this series, though. I have to build some more antici… pation.
August 10th, 2005 at at 12:26 pm
What is it??? If you tell me now, I will give you my place in Heaven. I hear they have transparent gold streets!
August 10th, 2005 at at 7:23 pm
Hey, don’t leave stupid things on just the men’s part.
I pretended to be Christian for a year-and-a half after I had figured out that religion was bullshit because I was dating a guy who professed Christianity.
Him cheating on me was the best thing that ever happened to me: not only did I now have undeniable proof of hypocrisy, I could stop giving lip service to submission.
August 11th, 2005 at at 1:03 am
Hey Antigone,
It’s just natural to assume that men would do the stupid things. To paraphrase Robin Williams, men have two heads, but only enough blood to operate one at a time.
August 11th, 2005 at at 3:03 am
I stopped believing in god when I was four. After being caught in the act, my mother finally admitted that there was no tooth fairy. The Easter bunny and Santa were also exposed that day. So it was only a short step to conclude that god was more of the same.