Journey of an Atheist – Part II: I Take the Red Pill*
When we last left our hero, he had courageously extracted his 10-year-old self from the clutches of the Catholic faith. See Part I if you need a refresher.
I don’t think you could say I was an atheist at that point. I didn’t think I believed in god, but I wasn’t sure. I never discussed my doubts with anyone, because I was certain that I was the only one with these problems. I was a silent agnostic.
I went through the motions for a few years. I went to mass with my family. I said grace at meals. I continued to ace Religion tests. (Q: God is _______. A: good) Catholicism didn’t bother me, and I didn’t bother it. That lasted until 8th grade. Then it was time for Confirmation. For anyone who doesn’t know about Confirmation, it’s a sacrament in which young adults confirm for themselves the promises and professions of faith that were made for them by their godparents at their baptism. They also get the opportunity to have oil rubbed on them by a bishop, which is a treat generally reserved for altar boys. Essentially, you stand up and say “Yup, I’m a Catholic.” I had a real problem with that. I’ve always been a very truthful person, and this was a blatant lie. I told my mother that I didn’t want to participate. My protest was quickly dismissed, and I didn’t put up a fight. I was oiled and renamed on schedule. I still resent it. To add insult to injury, I later found out that it’s become really difficult to get excommunicated these days.
Eighth grade also brought the decision of what high school to attend. It was assumed that I would go to a Catholic high school, and I didn’t really care. I took the test and got into the best (academically) Catholic school in the area. That was that. Fate, however, intervened. Due to a series of events not interesting enough to recount, I wound up in public high school at the very last minute. Suddenly, I was on another planet.
I had always gone to Catholic school. Always. My experience with public school kids was very limited. From 4th – 6th grade, after proving my ability to make pencil marks in the right little ovals, I was bused over to the public school once a week for a “Talented and Gifted” program with two other fine young Catholics, one of whom was my best friend. In the classroom, we were fine. At recess, however, when we were surrounded by the general population, we realized exactly how out of place we were. Remember, we were Catholic school kids. We were in uniforms that consisted of pale yellow shirts and dark green, polyester pants with matching ties. These outfits, in a sea of children permitted to wear “their own clothes,” could not have more effectively said “kick me.” If I had not been several inches taller than nearly everyone else, I would have been in deep trouble. In fact, when I decided not to go to the program anymore, my friend stopped going as well, since he didn’t want to be there without a bodyguard. Every week, we would stand off to the side and watch the heathens cavort. We witnessed all kinds of behavior that would NOT have been allowed at our school. What to us seemed like war crimes were perpetrated daily on the playground at the public school. We just tried to stay out of the way.
I walked into the public high school on the first day of classes with absolutely no idea of what to expect. It was the first time, other than field trips, that I had ever worn “my own clothes” to school. It was thrilling. I had never used a locker before. I had never changed classes and had it involve more than a twenty foot walk. Everything in my tiny world was changing. Religion was next.
During my freshman year, I became a regular in the Religion and Eastern Philosophy sections of the local Barnes & Noble. I didn’t realize it at first, but I was shopping. A nagging voice in the back of my head kept telling me (not literally) that I had to find a replacement for Catholicism. Atheism had yet to even occur to me as an option. I was heavily involved in science at school, so I was mostly trying to find something that wouldn’t clash with that. I needed a religion that could mesh with a good understanding of genetics and plate tectonics. During this period, I read a lot about Taoism. While I learned a lot from Taoism, and there are some teachings that I still incorporate into my life, it’s not really a religion. At least the way it’s written, it’s not a religion. The way it’s practiced is something else entirely. Religion “on the page” and religion “on the ground” are usually very different from one another. Even the most sophisticated philosophies usually have tons of silly entities and rituals piled upon them at the folk level. That, however, is a topic for another post.
So I spent a year comparison shopping, but I didn’t find anything I was ready to buy. I picked up some interesting concepts along the way, but that was it. It wasn’t until sophomore year of high school that I met Christine.
~I AM~
*This is a reference from The Matrix. If you haven’t seen the movie, that’s why you didn’t get it. Actually, if you haven’t seen The Matrix, what the hell is wrong with you? Go rent it. Now.
August 3rd, 2005 at at 10:05 pm
I get it!
*childish giggle*
*extremely long gunfight*
But seriously.
August 4th, 2005 at at 12:43 am
I had always wondered what it was like in a Catholic school. I figured at least the education would be better there. I was never challenged in public school. We had honors programs and such, but none of them seemed like too much. If anything, the honors courses were what the regular kids should have had access to. It all seemed like a horrible celebration of mediocrity to me.
August 4th, 2005 at at 4:33 am
I love these types of posts and look forward to what happened next! I remember being forced to take part in my confirmation too with my neighbor’s going specifically to watch me. It was all very uncomfortable and I felt very forced, although I was not an atheist at the time.
August 4th, 2005 at at 6:55 am
Good post. Looking forward to see how the chick fits into all this. The suspense is killing me, was she a Christian and broke your heart, or a heathen who set you on your way to atheism! Dun-dun-dun…..
No, seriously, which one is it?
August 4th, 2005 at at 8:40 am
I am very interested in your comment about “even the most sophisticated philosophies” having “tons of silly entities and rituals at the folk level”. I couldn’t agree more. The problem for me is that these eventually become the main characteristics of the philosophy.
August 4th, 2005 at at 9:17 am
You weakling. I resolutely refused to be confirmed myself.
Those who have been baptized against their will (and weren’t dumb enough to go through with confirmation) might find this to be of use:
http://www.secularism.org.uk/uploads/35426dd6941fa1b960869923.pdf
August 4th, 2005 at at 10:09 am
I got lucky somehow. My mom was the regular church goer and I did first comunion (imagine how terrified I was making my first confession face to face with a priest I’d never met – I barely said a word). But by the time confirmation came around, my mom had stopped going to church and she had long since taken us out of sunday school (which was actually on saturday and we took a bus and I didn’t know any of the other kids because our church district was different than our school district – I went to public school).
Anyway, when my wife (a Catholic at the time) and I (a non practicing catholic at the time) got married the priest asked about my confirmation – I said I never had one. He was clearly surprised and dissapointed. But he married us anyway.
I really loved getting marital advice from a single, celibate guy. Boy he was really helpful.
I’ll write the story of why I’m an atheist at my blog some day but you can be sure, the early memories played a role…
ARB
PS please add me to your blogroll…
August 4th, 2005 at at 10:17 am
I managed to get out of having a Bar Mitzvah, but it wasn’t easy….I’m the only person I know who ever got detention at Hebrew School.
August 4th, 2005 at at 10:52 am
Confirmation was the nail in the coffin for me, as well.
I had a sort of epiphany when I was about 10. False enlightenment, I guess – I went pretty hard-core. Then grade eight and Confirmation. At the time, I believed in the sacred nature of the whole experience, but as I went through the process ( for non-Catholic readers: the school spends weeks getting you “ready” ) I realized everyone who was involved and already confirmed (teachers, parents, even the priests) was more interested in the optics than the spiritual content of the event.
People kept saying things like “Don’t trip when you approach the Bishop! Don’t mumble when you receive the sacrament.” No one ever suggested that we could decide not to go through with the whole thing. Some kids had new clothes for the event that must have cost more than a year’s tuition.
After I was confirmed I found an older RCIA work-book that had an examination of conscience in it “for those considering confirmation.” When I read it, I realized the teachers and priests had covered none of this soul-searching. They’d glossed right over the importance of knowing your own mind and heart in favour of making things “look good” for the bishop. I felt cheated – like I just found out someone had filmed my Christmas morning and made a commercial for McNuggets out of it.
After that, I was accutely aware of hypocrisy in all church events. It obliterated my belief that anyone in the clergy had genuine faith – I saw everything that occurred in the church as marketing a product. It was all a big high-pressure sales-pitch and I was the sucker who’d bought it for 12 years.
For the rest of my separate-school-board education, I’d ask the right questions in Rel.Studies, take the easy “A” and shake my head at the poor suckers who bought in to the big lie that was religion.
I moderated a bit in college – comparative studies showed me that I could consider modern faiths in the same vein as other myths and “dead” religions (as fiction and barometers of human psychology)
But I’ve never regained any measure of respect for religion, or the religious.
Keep going with the site – you are helpin others crystalize their doubts into meaningful decisions.
August 4th, 2005 at at 11:44 am
I bet Christine is a girl that helps I AM open his eyes to the reality of the world. I had a girl help me do that in high school as well
August 4th, 2005 at at 1:37 pm
Yes, I cannot wait to hear more about Christ-ine.
August 4th, 2005 at at 4:23 pm
Dirac Bracket, aren’t you the harsh one? He might not have been “Catholic” anymore, but he was still a kid – and pretty sure he believed in god. Not to mention, he was in a Catholic school. His entire peer group – the only world he knew – was doing that. Besides, calling someone “dumb” for something they did at 13, pretty much against their will, is pretty ridiculous. I’m so sure you never did a single dumb thing at that age. Bet you were never pressured into anything, ever. Sure.
I AM, I’m with Uberkuh. I think she’s a Christian… did she break your heart? Did you break hers? Convert her?
The wait will seem endless. More, I say! Mucho más!
August 4th, 2005 at at 4:54 pm
Hey,
I said that first!!!
August 4th, 2005 at at 10:51 pm
Dirac:
It’s the loving and supportive comments of my readers that keep me going. Then there’s you.
ARB:
I should have added you previously. It was an oversight.
franky:
Good luck with the new blog. You’re the second or third new blogger to cite me as inspiration. I’m flattered.
Everyone:
I’m not spilling the beans on Christine. Stay tuned.
August 5th, 2005 at at 2:15 pm
You’re welcome I am.
August 5th, 2005 at at 2:48 pm
Because of Mark’s link, I have forgotten everything I have ever learned that proves Christianity to be a primitive, 2,000 year-old fantasy and I have decided to re-accept Jesus into my miraculously malleable heart and mind. Thanks, Mark!
August 5th, 2005 at at 4:23 pm
Uberkuh is not crazy. I deleted the link to which he’s referring. Some asshole Christian spammer has been posting religious links all over the site. I’m deleting the comments and banning the URLs one by one. I’m just happy Uberkuh could be saved before I got to this one.
August 6th, 2005 at at 2:54 am
But don’t expect Matrix: Reloaded or Matrix: Revolutions to be anywhere as good. In fact, they pretty much suck. IMHO of course
August 6th, 2005 at at 11:09 am
I agree with Charles. Revolutions is good if you like a movie with tons of vague, half-finished ideas to keep you up at night. Remember kids, just because it’s esoteric, doesn’t mean it’s symbolism.
August 7th, 2005 at at 9:23 am
Confirmation:Essentially, you stand up and say “Yup, I’m a Catholic.” I had a real problem with that.
Dig it mahn! For the life o’ me I can’t recall what made me finally cave. I know they made me go to the rectory and talk to Fr. Kline but I don’t remember what it was that made me go through with the confimation despite my knowing it was a meaningless lie.
I chose “Michael” as my confirmation name. Since that’s my first name anyhow, maybe I just figured that li’l protest was enough. Gawd knows (but I know better) the parents & teachers couldn’t have threatened me with anything meaningful. I had next to nothing and cared less than that for most of their opinions by this time.
Lookin’ forward to your next installment I AM.
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