Journey of an Atheist - Part I: The Pooh Incident
I’ve made reference to my deconversion a couple of times. I gave a little background info in my First Post, and I dropped a hint in the forums on Atheism Online, but I never did get around to telling my story. I have been inspired by UberKuh’s recent post to do just that. This will be a multi-part post. I’m not sure how long it will take to tell the tale, and I don’t know how regularly I’ll add to it, but stay tuned.
I was baptized Roman Catholic and saddled with the middle name Christian. I’ve been meaning to have it legally changed, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. Besides, I do so love irony; it would almost be a shame to lose it.
When I was four years old, I entered Pre-Kindergarten at a Catholic school where I was to spend the next ten years obtaining an inferior education. How I came out the other end with an intact brain is a mystery to me. It wasn’t the kind of school you picture when you think of Catholic school. The teachers were lay people. The only two nuns in the entire school were the principal and the music teacher, and neither of them wore habits.
I come from a family of Italian Catholics. There are three kinds of Catholics: Irish, Italian and Other. The main differences are the quality of the food after mass and the exact nature of guilt used. Guilt is a very big deal for Catholics. I think that’s why they seem to relate to Jews better than anyone else does. For the first decade or so of my life, based on observation of my community, I believed that the world was 50% Catholic, 40% Protestant (Heathens), 9% Jewish and 1% Other.
My childhood pantheon included God (still capitalized at this point in my life), Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. I firmly believed in all of these characters because my parents said they were real, and my parents wouldn’t lie to me. I never took god all that seriously, though. I don’t think I prayed when I was alone even once in my life. That says something.
God had no impact on my life other than forcing me to sit through mass every week, and that just sucked. I remember thinking that god should make the crackers taste better if he wanted more people to come.
The other three magical beings were better than god, and I had direct evidence of their existence. I met Santa Claus on several occasions. My dad was pretty convincing for a while. When I started to wonder why I never saw my father and Santa together, he got a friend of his to play the part the following year. I bought it. The Tooth Fairy had to be real because she gave me money. It never even occurred to me that my parents might want to buy my teeth from me while I slept. The Easter Bunny had to be real because I saw him. In what was one of the most vivid dreams of my life, a six foot tall anthropomorphic bunny hopped past my open bedroom door in the middle of the night on “Easter Eve.” Not only that, but my crazy mother went through the trouble of carving little bucktooth marks in the stub of the carrot I had left out for him. Sick.
By the time I was seven or eight, most of the other kids in my class had stopped believing in Santa Claus. I got into several arguments over it, because I KNEW that there was a Santa Claus. I even double checked with my parents, and they confirmed the story. Who the hell were these people to call my parents liars?!? I wouldn’t stand for it.
At about that same age, we took a family trip to Disney World. My mother bought me a Disney autograph book so I could have all of the costumed characters sign. When we came to Winnie the Pooh, though, there was a problem. The Pooh costume has no fingers. He couldn’t sign because he couldn’t hold a pen. My mother said she would write his name in the book so that I could remember I saw him. We returned home and the book disappeared into a drawer somewhere. I wouldn’t think of it again for a couple of years.
The Christmas when I was ten, Santa did something new. He left me a note for the first time. Actually, it was a full page letter written in green ink. It did not explain why I got a guitar for Christmas when I had absolutely no interest in it. That afternoon I sat in my room looking at the letter, thinking about how cool it was to have a letter from Santa. Something nagged at me, though. The handwriting was familiar. Where had I seen it before? Then I remembered. When I found the autograph book, I discovered that Santa had the same handwriting as Winnie the Pooh, and Winnie the Pooh was my mom. I took my Children’s Illustrated Bible off the shelf (ironic, no?), marched down to the kitchen and told my mother to put her hand on the book. Then I asked her if there was a Santa Claus. No. Easter Bunny? Tooth Fairy? No. To this day I have never believed anything else she’s ever said to me.
That was when I started asking questions about god. If you have questions about god, where do you go? I talked to a priest. Father Stevens (not his real name) was the cool, young priest that had just come to our church a few months prior. He had a good relationship with the students, and he was very accessible and approachable. I asked him questions about evolution, physics, paleontology, omnipotence, hell, the Bible, etc. I was a precocious kid. This man who spent his life learning and teaching the Catholic faith didn’t have any good answers for me. In fact, he insinuated that there WERE no good answers. I lost Catholicism when I was ten.
~I AM~
July 28th, 2005 at at 12:04 am
Intriguing tale… I can wait to read the next installment. Wondering when you lost God all together.
Oddly enough, I had a similiar Santa tale. I also had to deal with kids at school no longer believing. I complained to my family, and St. Nicholas (Santa’s twin brother who visited every night from Dec. 15 until Christmas Eve. You’d put a sock/stocking out and if you’d been good, he’d leave a small treat in it that night - this is a German tradition - no one else I knew had visits from him) left me a letter that night. In my case, the person writing the letter was my aunt (an evil bitch) who knew better than to use handwriting she’d used elsewhere (Santa had very different handwriting).
Eventually, in 5th grade, when I was mere months from turning 11, I woke up to find my aunt putting St. Nicholas’s gift in the stocking (knowing her she was deliberately noisy about it). At that point, I realized the odds were good that Santa was also my family, but I tried to comfort myself with the thought that everyone had Santa… only we had St. Nicholas. Maybe he was the only one that was made up.
Eventually, my need to know the truth got the better of me. I remember standing, crying, in the hall near the stairs to my bedroom… my grandmother (who I also lived with then), said, if you ask me, I will tell you the truth - which of course made it pretty clear that Santa wasn’t real. I asked, she told me and I cried.
I never had the trust issue, but I realize, in retrospect, that I already knew all too well by then that adults were not to be trusted. So I wasn’t traumatized by it, but that’s not saying much since there were plenty of traumatizing aspects about the rest of my life. This is why I clung so desperately to god. Finding out Santa wasn’t real never made me question my religious faith… but then again, no one in my family was claiming he was real, either (they are not atheists, but not religious, either).
I hope you post the next part soon! I want to know what happened next… you mentioned trying on religions in a previous post (the first one, maybe?) and I was intrigued by that idea.
July 28th, 2005 at at 1:04 am
I too am an Ex-Irish-Catholic; I left when I realised that it was all about money (come on, two collections?).
July 28th, 2005 at at 2:44 am
That was a touching story. Wish someone made a movie on that lines with a revealing climax (a la Sixth Sense) that there is no santa, no easter bunny, no tooth fairy and no god
cheers.
July 28th, 2005 at at 4:02 am
Hahaha, the letter from Santa reminds me of what happened with my belief in the tooth fairy. I don’t think it was a usual thing for most kids, but my sister and I would get a letter with the money when we lost a tooth. I can’t remember who lost their tooth, me or her, but we looked at the letter and eventually determined that it was my mom’s handwriting (same Rs with some other things). I thought it was pretty funny.
July 28th, 2005 at at 6:04 am
I was raised Catholic (Irish Catholic to be exact) and was hardcore into it until about Sophmore year of high school. I’m now entering my sophmore year of college.
I find a lot of the GUILT still hangs with me. While reason may dictate one idea, I can’t help but escape the feeling I have connected to things imbedded in me.
I wonder if anyone else here can associate with me and maybe tell me how they’ve handled the whole mix of ideas and emotions. It something that becomes quite troubling at times. I feel an obligation to a God that I don’t think exists, but to be fair I am an agnostic and not a hard core athiest.
Please give some comments to this situtation and try not to be hardcore about it
July 28th, 2005 at at 7:35 am
Great story! Thanks for sharing it.
July 28th, 2005 at at 8:42 am
I also had a similar story about Santa and the Tooth Fairy but I had forgotten about it until now. Thanks for reminding me! Good job I didn’t have a chemistry degree back then. Who knows what damage I might have done in the name of the great Santa.
July 28th, 2005 at at 10:24 am
Thanks for this story - In the past year I’ve become agnostic/leaning toward atheism and told my family about it (they are Protestant missionaries) and that was a real trip. It’s encouraging to find other people that think similarly and all, since going to a Christian university and being in the middle of Indiana is not at all conducive to atheism.
July 28th, 2005 at at 11:56 am
I have a Biblical/Christian name as well… Aaron. Brother of Moses. My Dad was a Mormon and my mom was non-denominational Christian.
Interesting story, I AM! Keep the installments coming.
July 28th, 2005 at at 1:29 pm
C Ray, all I can say is it takes time. I know that does not help much but it is true. One day you just wake up and start think without guilt, you notice the way you phrase things is different, the way you describe courses of events changes.
I know one guy I work with who was still riddled with guilt until 9/11.
The idea of some crazed islamonut screaming allah akbar and hundreds of christians scream for their god why this evil was occurring, made him no longer believe there could be one and the guilt stopped.
July 28th, 2005 at at 2:11 pm
I’m an ex-Fundamental Baptist with a similar tale deconversion. Thanks for continuing to share!
July 28th, 2005 at at 3:31 pm
I got the double whammy being named Jacob Daniel. I’ve never believed in god or Santa. My parents weren’t exactly dedicated to the farce. They didn’t explain anything, they were just lousy at trying to keep up appearances. And I was very keen at a young age. Ofcourse, I didn’t realize that until later in my life. I just assumed you had to be as smart as possible to keep up with everyone. What a joke that turned out to be. Still, I don’t mind having tried so hard. It was worth it.
July 28th, 2005 at at 4:00 pm
Holy shit. I saw the same 6-foot anthropomorphic bunny on Easter Eve one year when I was about five. I spied it from my top bunk hopping down the hallway towards my parents room. I was too tired to pursue, so I lay back down and swore to remember to tell my parents about it the next day.
35 years later, I still remember it.
July 28th, 2005 at at 6:01 pm
C Ray 86- I reccomend http://exchristian.net.
That website helped me with some similiar feelings.
When I was a kid I figured that Santa and God were the same person.
After all, they could both read my thoughts.
July 28th, 2005 at at 8:10 pm
It sounds like you have missed the boat all the way. You have a mother you consider sick because she wanted you to have an enchanted life. You decided to seek God through a young prieset instead of seeking Him yourself. How can you know anyone unless you have heard what they have to say,…You never mentioned reading Scriptures……..only the most read book in the world! You admittedly never prayed, which is simply pouring out your thoughts to Him and having a conversation with Him! You have never tried to talk to Him. You have never tried to find Him; yet ,you can expound on the fact He surely does not exist. Just as when your very closest frieds tried to tell you the Truth “There is no Santa Claus.”..you would not listen….you probaby never listened! I am sure you have heard the axiom: Be Still and Quiet and Listen………Most interesting are the flames at the bottom of your journal
July 28th, 2005 at at 8:38 pm
Courtenay, I strongly suggest you look into the God is a Dick series (for more reasons that one). I AM has read the “scriptures” - probably more in depth than most theists.
I believe theists who “hear god” are probably just hearing the rush of wind through their brainwashed, vaccant heads. I’m going to guess that this is why, even when attending the Christian school that was a cult, I never heard god. Too much in the way of his wind, er word.
Wow, that was mean. I’m just rapidly running out of patience for theists.
July 28th, 2005 at at 8:39 pm
PS. Don’t mistake most bought for most read.
July 28th, 2005 at at 10:29 pm
Wow! Courtenay, there are many assumptions on your part in that comment. After a while it gets pretty easy adding more assumptions to the list doesn’t it? So when did you stop believing in Santa Claus? At least, I assume you don’t believe in Him anymore. Did you have a personal relationship with Him as well? I assume you left cookies and milk for Him every year. So I assume you understand what Jesus is about and what He wants. Of course, I had originally assumed you can’t know God because that is what all of the Christians keep telling me. I’ll just assume you know exactly what you are talking about. Boy I feel so much better already. I assume this is what it feels like to be free. I assume everyone should feel this way. In fact, if someone doesn’t feel this way, I have to assume they are confused and need help.
July 28th, 2005 at at 11:25 pm
Courtenay:
A few point… First, I have read the Bible cover to cover. Second, I majored in religion in college. Third, I tried very, very hard to find god. The posts that follow will be about that search. At this point in the story, I have lost Catholicism, but not religion. Fourth, my close friends on this blog tell me there is no god, and I believe them.
You raised the issue of the flames. I’m surprised no one has brought it up before. Let me take this opportunity to talk for a moment about the symbolism of my site design. The background (which you can only see at 1024×768 and above) shows a sea of various religions, gray on gray. There are no differences between them. They are background noise. The main section features heaven at the top and hell on the bottom. In the middle, emerging from the fanciful surroundings, is reality, in black and white. Well, there are blue links, too, but that’s just not poetic.
There is far more evidence for Santa than for god. Why do you believe in one, but not the other? I assume you disbelive in Santa because someone told you he’s not real. Well, I’m telling you god’s not real. What makes me wrong while the people who told you about Santa are right? Is the Christian god more real because he was made up thousands of years ago instead of hundreds? If so, are the Hindu gods more real than that because they were made up 6,000 years ago instead of 4,500?
July 28th, 2005 at at 11:36 pm
C Ray:
It took me 10 years to shake god(s). If you’re on the same pace, you’re not even half way there yet. Agnosticism is a tough gig. It’s way harder than being an atheist. You’re forcing yourself to work two full time jobs. What you experience as guilt may just be emotional exhaustion at this point.
I have two pieces of advice. First, you need to isolate the sources of doubt. There are reasons you haven’t finished letting go yet. Do some “soul” searching. Once you figure out where the sticking points are, you should be able to overcome them with reason. As long as they remain unidentified, however, you will be haunted by them indefinitely. If you find them and don’t know what to do with them, talk them out with people. Start a thread over at AtheismOnline.com. The people there would love to help you.
Second, when you’ve found and addressed these issues, say goodbye. Go to a church. Don’t go to mass, just go when there’s no one around. Light a candle. Say a Hail Mary. Do whatever you used to do. When you feel nothing, you’re done. That will help you close the door on an unfortunate part of your life. Don’t go too soon, though. I don’t want my advice to be responsible for a backslide.
July 29th, 2005 at at 2:06 am
This seems to be going around today.
C ray
After all those years of conditioning you to be a faithful servant of god. Of course it’s hard to seperate yourself. Do a “I know this to be true”. Write down “ONLY” those things that you know for real are absolutly true. There Aren’t many. Stay away from things you wish or want to be true. Consider what you write for awhile. Revise it. check out the “nogodblog.com It takes time. Get over the anger of having been lied to as quickly as you can.
A good laugh for all visit http://www.truechristian.com/evolutionstupid.html
July 29th, 2005 at at 6:32 am
When looking into what the sticking points may be, I have no problem overcomming god and the dogma’s of the Catholic faith. Reason pretty much shoots them to the ground.
I also realize that whatever good believing has done for the world, it has done tenfold in evil for the world.
The point that still gets me is my … Mom. She is the truest example of a person to take faith in god and use it right. I mean, she truely is. I guess I can’t get beyond her example, because it is the best I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen how much it means to her life. I can’t help but feel while atheism is right for me, some people aren’t ready for it in their lives for whatever reason, and I feel GUILTY for trying to convince people of a fact that I know, but don’t think they are ready for.
Thoughts?
July 29th, 2005 at at 8:30 am
C Ray:
Now I understand. Mother guilt is much tougher than god guilt. Your mom exists. At least I assume she does. I have to take your word for it.
I know one good Christian as well. She’s a coworker. She’s kind and generous always. She is probably the best person I’ve ever known. She’s totally happy in her beliefs. I’ve been trying to deconvert her for 14 years. Everything I say just bounces off her. She has never tried to push her religion on me at all. If every theist were like her, I would leave them alone. If I did finally convince her, I think I might feel a little guilty. However, I know that with or without belief in god, she would live her life the same way. I don’t think religion is what makes her who she is. It’s just a coincidence.
I think the simple answer for you is, don’t try to convince your mom. It’s not a requirement. We’re not Baptists, for godless sake, we’re atheists. If religion makes her happy, and your talking about atheism makes her unhappy, don’t talk about it. If she is as you describe her, you could never convince her anyway.
July 29th, 2005 at at 12:36 pm
Thanks for the link Jim rrr. Man, you just can’t argue with those guys.
July 29th, 2005 at at 1:39 pm
I second addict_no_more. I cannot wait to read more.
When done, you might consider linking each chapter to a page entitled Reason for (dis)Beliefs, or something more explanatory, and placing a link to that page above or below your Statement of (dis)Beliefs.
July 30th, 2005 at at 9:31 am
Oh man, Jim rrr, thanks for that link. I’ve only read a little bit so far… it has to be a joke, haha. Anyway, I think I shall have some fun with that site on my blog.
July 30th, 2005 at at 10:42 pm
I’m reminded of an episode of Father Ted. A bishop is visiting Craggy Isle, and the bishop asks Father Dougal about the things he doubts. Father Dougal says he doubts it all. We can only imagine their conversation, because when we next see the bishop he’s given up the Church and gone off to join a hippie commune.
My own journey is a bit like that. For me it was when I was thirteen, and on Easter Sunday my church’s minister came to sit in on my sunday school class. It being Easter, naturally we were discussing the meaning of Easter, the prophecies, and all that. I had a question, I thought it an obvious one.
“If Jesus fulfilled the prophecies,” I asked, “why couldn’t the Pharisees see that when we can?” It seemed a harmless enough question. We’re told time and again in church that Jesus fulfilled the Old Testament prophecies, that we know he’s the Messiah because of those prophecies. The Pharisees surely could have realized for themselves that Jesus was the fulfillment of prophecy, couldn’t they? I mean, they were so much closer to the source. They had Jesus, right there, didn’t they?
My minister didn’t say anything. My Sunday School teacher, who was also the youth pastor, bobbled the answer somewhat. The problem with the prophecies, he said, was that the Pharisees weren’t meant to see Jesus as the Messiah because the Messiah was always seen as a temporal ruler rather than a spiritual ruler. Since Jesus didn’t fit the bill as a temporal ruler, the Pharisees couldn’t see Jesus as the Messiah.
After class the minister came up to me and said that I’d asked a good question.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t really let go of the question. And so I mulled over on it for a time. And I came to realize that if the people of his own time couldn’t bring themselves to believe in Jesus, then why should I? Why should anyone?
People with doubts shouldn’t talk to members of the clergy.
August 3rd, 2005 at at 2:13 pm
Great story I AM! I remember those little autograph books from Disney World. When I went however, they had stamps for the characters that couldn’t actually sign. So the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stamped my book instead of signing. Regardless, I was thrilled.
Fourth, my close friends on this blog tell me there is no god, and I believe them
LOL!
August 3rd, 2005 at at 7:20 pm
[…] courageously extracted his 10-year-old self from the clutches of the Catholic faith. See Part I if you need a refresher. I don’t think you cou […]