The Gospel According to Mike Seaver
Summer offers few good television options. Thank godless for TV Land. After a bit of channel surfing the other night, we settled on an episode of Full House. I’m sure we’d both seen it at least twice, and it’s not even a very good show, but it was the only acceptable choice. Anyway, when the episode was over, my wife wondered aloud “What ever happened to Candace Cameron?” Google to the rescue. She found this. DJ Tanner has become an religious nut. This alone might have been enough for a post, but a link from that site dropped both our jaws to the floor. Candace’s brother, fellow child actor Kirk Cameron who played Mike Seaver on Growing Pains, has his own site: The Way of the Master.
The Way of the Master is a joint effort by Kirk Cameron and a man named Ray Comfort. There’s a TV show, merchandise, tests, audio sermons, etc. It’s a really flashy site with great production value. It’s almost enough to take the sting out of learning just how many reasons there are that I’m going to hell.
In the Flash version, Kirk starts out by asking you if you’re a Christian. The No link must not be working correctly, because it launches a step-by-step quiz of all ten commandments to see if you’re going to heaven. If I’m not a Christian, this is a non-sequitur. Let’s play along, though. The interpretations are fun. I’ll paraphrase.
Commandment 1:
Do you hate your family in comparison to how much you love God? - Uh… no.
Commandment 2:
Do you believe that god is merciful? He’s not. If you believe that, you’re an idolater. - I think I might be OK on this one.
Commandment 3:
Have you ever said “goddamnit” even once? You’re gonna burn. - Uh oh.
Commandment 4:
Ever do anything on a Sunday other than go to church and read your Bible? - Yup.
Commandment 5:
Were you ever less than a perfect son or daughter? God will never forget that. - Crap.
Commandment 6:
Have you ever been angry with someone? If so, you’re a murderer. The Bible says so. - Then I’m a serial killer.
Commandment 7:
Have you every checked out a person of the opposite sex on the street? You’re an adulterer. - My wife will be so disappointed. It’s a good thing she can’t divorce me if she wants to go to heaven.
Commandment 8:
Have you ever taken home a pen from the office? God saw that, and you’re a thief. - Guilty. I think some of my co-workers qualify for grand larceny, though.
Commandment 9:
Have you ever said anything that wasn’t true? It’s the Lake of Fire for you. - At least I’ll have the company of EVERY OTHER HUMAN.
Commandment 10:
Ever want stuff? Hell. - What can I say? We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl.
“Does the fact that you have sinned against God scare you? It should.”
The rest of the site is about how to use FUD tactics (fear, uncertainty and doubt) to churn out more Christians. In clicking around, you’ll find such gems as:
“If you have other Christians with you, have them form an audience and look as though they are listening to your preaching. This will encourage others to stop and listen.” (Isn’t this the principle behind Three Card Monte?)
“While it is true that the Law of Moses begins with, ‘I am the Lord your God, you shall have no other gods before Me,’ it may be unwise to tell a Muslim, at that point, that Allah is a false god. Such talk may close the door before you are able to speak to his conscience.”
“Job 38:19 asks, ‘Where is the way where light dwells?’ Modern man has only recently discovered that light (electromagnetic radiation) has a ‘way,’ traveling at 186,000 miles per second.”
“Science has discovered that stars emit radio waves, which are received on earth as a high pitch. God mentioned this in Job 38:7: ‘When the morning stars sang together…’”
“Ask him if he has ever told a lie. Has he stolen, lusted, blasphemed, etc.? That’s when all heaven breaks loose. There is conviction of sin. Sinners hear the gospel, and angels rejoice.”
If you enjoy laughing at fundamentalism, plan to spend at least half an hour at this site.
~I AM~
July 16th, 2005 at at 12:44 pm
I’m on my way to it right now.
July 16th, 2005 at at 12:49 pm
You get differenct BS depending on whether you click yes or no. If you click no, you get the 10 suggestions with guilty and innocent buttons. Unfortunately, your responses aren’t recorded anywhere. Hahaha.
I was getting sick to my stomach so I had to stop listening. Thanks for the link anyway.
July 16th, 2005 at at 2:03 pm
Yeah, eat up the bandwidth of those stupid fuckers!
July 16th, 2005 at at 3:19 pm
OMZ!! That is completely hilarious!!! But sad thing is, some take it so seriously.
(falls to my knees, puts my hands in cuffing position) “I’m guilty, oh so guilty, I should be whipped into submission for my lack of faith” Wait! I might enjoy that!
Yeah, don’t take me seriously. I’m having one of those moments. One too many peach martinis last night that is still lingering this morning. Oh wait, it’s noon already.
July 16th, 2005 at at 3:46 pm
LOL@ “You have actually angered Him with your sin”. I am an “enemy of God”.
Listed in their “10 Principles for New and Growing Christians” along with fellowship, prayer, evangelism, etc is warfare. Christians are told to “praise the Lord and pass the ammunition”.
I don’t know about you all, but this guy makes a lot of sense
July 16th, 2005 at at 6:28 pm
Howsabout “Have you ever used your celebrity status to get a woman fired because she posed nude at one point in her life?”
I don’t think Jesus would be cool with that.
July 16th, 2005 at at 7:07 pm
God damn it, I’ve angered God.
I like the “You’ve committed adultery with her in your heart” or whatever it said. Sounds like that came from a pathetic love song. I also liked the part about how your love for God should make your love for your family seem like hatred. That’s hilarious.
July 16th, 2005 at at 7:57 pm
Yes, god wants our love for our families to be like hate compared to our love for him, but we should honor our mothers and fathers and be good children and never think even the slightest bad thought.
And Satan takes many forms and wants to do bad by us. He can even be a kitten, anything to distract us from our paths of righteousness. Satan’s an evil bastard, but god created everything, so he created the evil bastard Satan, too… just to be mean and tempt us.
Frankly, I think God and Satan are the same freakin’ person, er Supreme Being Almighty Father.
Sorry, too much son, er sun, today. Feeling a bit feverish.
July 16th, 2005 at at 9:02 pm
Absolutely unbelievable. Ooops, I shouldn’t say that, I might get into trouble with grandpop god for doubting him, and then I’ll have to acclimatise to much warmer weather after I die.
I just could not resist sending them an email of what I really think about their simplistic silliness (nothing offensive, just truthful). I hope they send a message back, answering some of the difficult questions I asked them, but I’m not holding my breath.
July 17th, 2005 at at 12:07 am
I debunked Ray and Kirk’s “10 Commandment’s Quiz” a while back on a Christian forum. See here:
http://www.xxxchurch.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=12896
July 17th, 2005 at at 1:17 am
You may all pray to “Our Lady of Ammunition” before it’s too late!!
July 17th, 2005 at at 2:15 am
Amazing…the depths of these people’s self-deceit never fails to amaze me. What complete, utter, total fools.
July 17th, 2005 at at 3:03 am
I am greatly disturbed by this website….
Read “Open Air at a Public High School”
July 18th, 2005 at at 12:36 am
Capitalism Christianity… I could be the new big thing. Wait, it already has.
July 18th, 2005 at at 2:35 pm
Just another TV has-been who is still trying to satisfy his ego by giving the mindless sheep what they want to hear. His acting skills should make him a natural, since he has a lot of practice playing make believe.
July 19th, 2005 at at 9:25 am
I love watching his TV show on Saturdays! It airs 3:30EST on TBN. It is even funnier to see these guys in person say this stuff with a straight face. But, it is kind of sad to see all the people in the street interviews actually fall for this crap.
You get all the classics, including generous helpings of Pascal’s wager, circular reasoning, and arguments from ingnorance/God of the gaps.